Journal of Nursing Jocularity

• Student kicked off bus for passing gas (wow–how bad was it?!) http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29841699/ #
• @SeniorList Ha! He DID try to blame the other guy… #

• From JNJ reader: Boss asked who wanted to participate in 401K. New intern said he would, but 1st wanted to know how many miles was that?! #
• #followfriday check out @iget2work, @NurseTogether, @gigglemed great stuff! #
• Battlestar Gallactica is over… FRACK! #
• Commuters on the run now using public defibrillators to zap their breakfast-shocking! http://www.nonsensenews.net/2009/02/02/defibrillation/ #
• Another sign of burnout: The idea of a nourishing mid-shift snack includes cigarettes, coffee, Motrin and Mylanta. #
• Another sign of burnout: Your sick days outnumber your work days… #

• Another sign of burnout: Your sick days outnumber your work days… #

• Another sign of burnout: The idea of a nourishing mid-shift snack includes cigarettes, coffee, Motrin and Mylanta. #

Dear Nurse Marge,

Why are some doctors such ****s?  I’ve only been working on this unit for three weeks, and already I’ve learned to dread dealing with Dr. G.   She’s loud, obnoxious, and so sarcastic you’d never believe it.  I questioned an order because the patient in question had a stated allergy to the medication Dr. G ordered — and got chewed out every which way.  How do I handle this nasty doc?

Signed,

Terrorized in Toledo

Dear Terrorized,

I’ve got one word for you: Blackmail.  Doctors only behave badly because the power dynamic allows them to do so.  They think they’ve got the upper hand.   There’s only one remedy: prove them wrong.

You see, I’ve found that doctors who know I know about their secret pecadillos — from the chronic inability to kick in for the floor’s coffee and snack fun to failings of a more *personal* variety — tend to be much more pleasant and respectful when I call with a question or suggest that their order might, in fact, kill the patient.

Sometimes it’s tricky to accumulate this type of valuable information.  Back when I started nursing, it took years and years to build up the knowledge base that would make even the most fearsome doctors toe the line.  Now, however, we have Photoshop, which can speed up the process immemsely.

Hope that helps!

Nurse Marge

Actual chart notes you have to see to believe:

1. The patient refused autopsy. 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a week. 

6. On the second day the knee felt better and on the third day it disappeared. 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly, also appears to be depressed. 

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1999. 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 80-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 

24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

I started out like the others.  I entered nursing school with bright eyes and high ideals, naive to the ways of the real world of nursing.  I knew I was going to be different.  I would do all my charting immediately after giving care.  My patients would be turned every two hours, on the dot.  My meds would be given exactly on time.  I would be the perfect nurse.

Well, I’ve been a nurse for over two years, and the honeymoon is over.  In my disenchantment phase, I believed that the perfect nurse existed only in the minds of humorless, dictatorial nursing school instructors.

Of course, that is not true.  Because eveyone has a definition of the “perfect nurse”.  It just means different things to different people.  For example: (more…)

Earlier this week, the Sci Fi channel has announced a new branding initiative, in the hopes of broading the station’s appeal to a larger number of viewers.  No longer will the station, which features programming ranging from space opera to good old fashioned monster movies, be known as Sci Fi.

Instead, it will be known as the purpotedly catchier name Syfy.

One would imagine that this name was thoroughly researched, with Sci Fi’s legions of marketers — not to mention lawyers — doing due diligence to ensure the name wasn’t used in any other capacity.

One would be wrong. (more…)

Horoscopes just for nurses!

Aries

Aries, we know you think you can do it all — but every nurse has their nemesis, and this week, you’ll discover exactly what color projectile vomit you just can’t stand. Don’t be ashamed to turn away; you’ll discover you’re not alone.  Things get better on the 27th.

Taurus

You’re unusually insightful this week, Taurus, with an emphasis on diagnostic skills and investigation in your stars.  Be careful: it’s easy to get on the wrong track…but the 26th will be your day to shine! Trust your gut and page the doctor: it will make a real difference.

Gemini

Your chart is heavily influenced by fire this week, Gemini: that means things are going to heat up.  So prep yourself for a rash of fevers, swellings, and a shame faced Casenova who can’t understand why it burns when he pees.  It’s also a time for your love life to heat up…but may we humbly suggest you don’t meet Casenova there for drinks after your shift?

Cancer

Footloose and fancy free Cancer should have a great week, with an emphasis on fun and frivolity. While your patients are sure to appreciate your sunny disposition and sense of humor, you might run into some friction from colleagues and peers.  Bite your tongue on the 26th…and avoid the only sign of stress in this glorious seven day stretch.

Leo

Leo’s on a mission.  If you’re a charge nurse, this is the week you’re determined to whip the shift into shape…and all those pesky doctors better look out, because you’re ready to teach them all the lessons they apparently missed in medical school.

Virgo

You’ve always known that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, Virgo…but what do you do with all the flies?  This is the week where you’ll be called on to exercise the sweet, caring side of your nature to get what you want, whether it’s getting a wandering patient back into bed or some weekend time off.

Libra

Nurses have five gifts, Libra: communication, clinical skills, comfort, wisdom, and love for mankind.  Patients have countless gifts; feces, urine, vomit, and more microbes than you want to think about. You’ll have a great time unwrapping all the presents this week, Libra: don’t lose your cool, no matter how fleeting your patience may be.

Scorpio

Yes, Scorpio, the patient has a small, ugly wound on the tip of their index finger that will definitely need attention.  However, that sucking chest wound might be slightly more important.  Make sure you’re focusing on the critical issues, and don’t get bogged down in details.

Sagittarius

We always want what we don’t have — and this week you find yourself sorely tempted to seek out what you’ve been missing.  Is there life outside of nursing? Or at least another floor in this facility?  Your investigations meet with some disappointment: be wary of making any commitments on the 29th.  On the plus side, all this exploring has a decidedly positive impact on your love life, especially on the 27th.

Capricorn

Time heals all wounds, Capricorn, but you know it doesn’t do a heck of a lot for infection control!  It’s hard to be patient, and your nerves may be right: a  situation that appears to be totally under control is anything but.

Aquarius
Aquarius, this week has the potential to be a life-changer for you.  You’ll find your perspective changing as you realize how critical you are to someone — perhaps a patient, perhaps a colleague — on the 25th.

Pisces

Watch the charge nurse carefully, Pisces.  Somehow they’ve gotten the impression that you’d love to work four doubles this week…and not seeing a Saturday off until 2025 sounds great, too! Don’t agree to anything — and don’t imply you’ve agreed — until after the 26th.

Can you unscramble the following gibberish to find the names of hospital departments? This one is difficult, so you have full permission to look at your own hospital’s in-house directory, which is where I got these from in the first place!  Those with a * have a two word answer, e.g., Occupational Therapy.

1. Torey repairs car*
2. “Curtains,” as Quayle*
3. GI can count
4. Steve Lou, RN
5. I got in a worm*
6. Sandi Kim Foote, RN*
7. March Pay
8. Tie a top nut
9. Has rice
10. More mercy gone*
11. Try idea
12. Hope I see gunk

Want the answers? Click here to find the solutions (more…)