Dear Nurse Marge
Finally! I’m getting to transfer to another unit, after six months of waiting. But now I’ve got a problem. Apparently the charge nurse where I’m headed (Oncology) is a real battle axe: that’s why the unit has an astronomical turn over. How do I get started off on the right foot with this nurse?
Signed,
On My Way to Oncology!
Dear On My Way
This is an easy question. When you get off the elavator, just look down at your feet. If you’re about to step forward with the left foot, STOP AND SWITCH FEET.
Ok.
Maybe that’s not the answer you’re looking for. It’s hard to work with a charge nurse who actively despises you, but it’s impossible to make someone like you if you’re not being genuine. Work place relationships require management, just like patients do.
What you want to do is remember the ’8 -ates’. These strategies can help you handle even the crankiest charge nurse — or at least, make them leave you alone.
- Hesitate Stop and think before reacting to anything the Cranky Charge Nurse says. This will prevent you from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Also, if you hesitate long enough, she might get bored waiting for your response, and go away.
- Dilate Dilate your pupils with wonder any time Cranky Charge Nurse says anything. Pretend you’re a kid at Disneyland, confronted with all of the marvel and wonder that is her nursing prowess. This will either be found so endearing that you become the Cranky Charge Nurse’s favorite or so annoying she avoids you at all costs.
- Congratulate Knowing everything and directing everyone is a big job — and a big honor. Regularly congratulate your Cranky Charge Nurse on all of their accomplishments. Perhaps with a prize or cute trinket. Some people call this bribery. I call it workplace harmony.
- Pontificate Nothing will interest a Cranky Charge Nurse MORE than hearing — in excruciating detail — every bit of medical research you’ve been reading in your off hours. Why, the developments in gastroenterology alone can make for HOURS of fascinating conversation. Make a point of sharing everything you’ve learned with the Cranky Charge Nurse, and she’ll make a point out of avoiding you.
- Congregate There’s safety in numbers. Surround yourself with fellow nurses at all times. Never travel alone. A group must contain at least three nurses to deflect attention and appear truly ‘busy’. With a little practice and coordination, you could even learn how to stage conveniently-timed codes…
- Intimidate Cranky Charge Nurse can’t scare YOU if YOU scare her! Consider hiring body guards. The economy’s in the crapper, you could probably get some relatively cheaply. Judicious recruitment in the ER in the wee hours of Saturday morning may help you identify likely prospects.
- Expectorate Ok, I admit it. This one’s kind of gross. But if Cranky Charge Nurse makes you mad enough to spit nails, you might want to go with it. Or just imagine it: the mental image alone is worth it — and the resultant laugh makes it easier to put up with whatever she’s yelling at you about now.
- Regurgitate Every nurse pukes at least once. You know it, Cranky Charge Nurse knows it — heck, anyone who’s watched more than three episodes of ER knows it! Luckily, these incidents are far and few between…but should one happen while Cranky Charge Nurse is nearby…
Well, at least then, when Cranky Charge Nurse hates you? She’ll have a reason.
Good Luck!
Nurse Marge
