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Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge

I have a question, although I’m not really sure what can be done about this situation. I’m a RN at a hospital in a very conservative corner of the country. Although the region is conservative, I am not: I’ve got some tattoos and piercings. Nothing that shows during work hours…it all fits under my scrubs, and I don’t have any facial piercings. My boyfriend, on the other hand, isn’t at all conservative. He’s tattooed within an inch of his life, and there’s enough metal in him to build a small airplane.

We were at a weekend community art festival, where the director of nursing saw the pair of us. She visibly flinched, and I saw her checking out my tattoos.

Now the atmosphere at work has changed dramatically. Suddenly, despite the fact that I’ve been a great nurse there for several years, now I’m getting written up left and right. My hours have been cut, and although there’s still overtime available, there’s no overtime available for me.

I’m sure it has to do with my appearance. My friends tell me I’m reading too much into it and it’s just the economy. I’m not sure about that — if it was just the hours, I’d say sure, but the write ups? I don’t think so.

What should I do?

Signed,

Inked Up and Irate

Dear Inked,

You’re in a tough spot. You know and I know that it’s your image that’s at the root of the problem here: knowing that and proving that are two different things entirely. Meanwhile, your career is on the line. Not a comfortable position.

Here’s what I would do. Find a theater supply company and stock up on pancake make up. The type that matches your natural skin tone. Cover yourself completely, put on a short sleeved scrub top, and make sure that director of nursing sees you.

Sees you, with no visible tattoos.

Then, the next day, don’t wear any makeup.

Don and remove the makeup at random, making a point to only wear short sleeved scrubs when you’re covered. Before long, your DON will be convinced she hallucinated the whole thing.

It’s always preferable to make them think they’re losing it…

Barring that, document, document, document everything, and get a move on with finding another place to work. You want to make the change from a good position; repeated write ups are not going to help you with this. It’s not the ideal situation, but sadly, sometimes necessary.

Unless, of course, you can find out that your director of nursing really has a few secret tattoos of her own…

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Euphoria’s natural as your birthday approaches, Leo: the start of a new year is always an exciting time. Remember to hold onto common sense while charging full speed ahead: sometimes those wet floor signs are there for a reason! Slips and pratfalls may form the basis of slapstick humor…but we’re guessing that’s not how you want to celebrate your natal day. Exercise caution while having fun.

Virgo

Motivation dominates your charts this week, Virgo: why do you choose to do what you do? Attention to detail and a passion for patients are easy answers, but you need to dig a little deeper. What’s really driving you? You’re not going to be content until you find the answer to this question.

Barring that, flip through random charts until you find a diagnosis that fits you :-) You’ll feel better when you have a label.

Libra

Elegant negotiations surround you this week, Libra, as your patients struggle with family members who want them to change their medication/refuse their medication/take their medication. Enforcing visiting hours helps tremendously…as do transparent ear plugs that block the majority of the pleading (which is already falling on deaf ears) from troubling you!

Scorpio

Your ability to recognize innovation is unparalleled, Scorpio. But your ‘baloney’ detector is equally fine tuned: when that visitor tells you the box of syringes he’s attempting to purloin are for a needle exchange program, trust your judgment. Your expression alone will make sure he gets the point.

Sagittarius

Is it mild traumatic brain injury when the patient’s been hit in the head with a jar of non-spicy salsa? It is while pondering this medical mystery that you develop a sudden craving that can only be solved with tacos. Looking at your stars, all we can say is skip the refried beans!

Capricorn

Financial woes concern you, Capricorn: not necessarily directly, but in the lives of those near and dear to you. Try to balance sympathy with prudence: your first urge is to help everyone else out, but you need to make sure your own situation is secure.

Aquarius

While you might normally be concerned by the sight of someone hiding under the bushes in front of your facility, chanting, “You can’t see me, you can’t see me!” you don’t have to fret this time. It’s just the head of your unit, trying to avoid a budget meeting.

Pisces

Stay away from the cafeteria. Pack your lunch. Sidestep the vending machine. Do whatever you need to do this week to ensure food safety: a gastro-intestinal horror show lies waiting in the wings if you don’t.

Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone knows nurses don’t have time to eat.

Aries

Aries is strangely joyful this week: a return to basics may sound boring but give you great joy.

Or, it could just be the new scrubs. Whatever floats your boat!

Taurus

Researchers tell us that there’s a direct relationship between intelligence and rates of knee injury. Apparently, the dumber you are, the more likely you are to hurt yourself. Taurus will read this news and immediately begin planning a career move to the research arena, because you’ve known this particular bit of information FOR YEARS!

Gemini

Fluid and changable are words that generally appeal to Geminis — but not when it comes to personal boundaries. In a week where everyone wants something from you, make sure you’re not overextending yourself.

Cancer

Here’s a great idea, Cancer, seeing as you’ve let yourself get roped into yet another committee: Make up mock surveys, six to eight questions, and go around interviewing everyone. Ask what you REALLY want to know about them…how much money they make, how many times they’ve been married, how many martinis they’ve had before coming to work in the morning…when they balk, glare at them and say “It’s on the SURVEY…” Not only will you get some great insider info, but you’ll never be asked to work on the holiday party planning committee again!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Billing’s Going To Love This One…

Mr. Jones was suffering from excruciating chest pain, passing in and out of consciousness. He was transported by ambulance to the nearest hospital – a Catholic facility. It turns out he needed an emergency by-pass.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by one of the nurses, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Jones, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned sternly.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jones. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Mr. Jones. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Hotels Vs Hospitals

Every time I am lucky enough to spend a night or two in a hotel with my family, I am reminded of the ‘Customer Service’ inservice given annually at my hospital (and I assume every hospital)…(Then again, from my experiences as a patient, maybe not!) Read more

Shigeaki Hinohara on Happiness

Shigeaki Hinohara is one of the most famous people you’ve likely never heard of. A Japanese physician, he’s also the author of over 150 books, including “Living Long, Living Good”, which has sold 1.2 million copies.  A very busy man, Hinohara recently spoke about what it takes to live a full, happy life.  You won’t want to miss this — it’s both inspirational and very down to earth!  You can read the entire article <a href=”http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/fl20090129jk.html”> here in The Japan Times </a>.

Way Beyond Comedy

Quite often people come up to me and say, Steve (because that’s my name), what’s one of the main characteristics that separates a comedian from everyone else? I simply respond, that it’s the way a comedian looks at life. A comedian views life and all of its obstacles, absurdities, tragedies, mistakes, incomprehensibility’s, and embarrassing moments from a humorous perspective. When comedians look at life this way, they’re not negating the seriousness of the subject matter, they’re just looking at life from a different perspective – it’s a healthier perspective – it’s the humor perspective.

Let me share with you how I discovered the power of my Humor Being, which was one of the key factors that motivated me to leave stand-up comedy and move on to the speaking forum.  Following a comedy performance I would feel this surge of positive energy flow through my body. This energy surge gave me the confidence that I could achieve and accomplish anything I set my mind to do. Sometimes I would go back to my hotel room and write in my journal or write new material. It seemed that my creative juices flowed from me, into the pen, and onto the paper. Other times I would go out with a group of people, have wonderful conversations, laugh and have fun. The point is, whatever I did I was totally void of all negative thoughts. My problems – whatever they were at the time – somehow seemed manageable. I was living in the moment and enjoying every minute of it. Read more

Get A Life by Loretta LaRoche

There’s nothing like a good night’s sleep. You wake up refreshed ready to face the day with energy to spare.

I remember as a teenager I not only slept through the night, but often felt like I could sleep through the day. I would wake up feeling as if I was in the “Twilight Zone”.  My mother would stand at the door barking her orders to “get up” and “get moving”, but my body and mind were somehow removed and unable to connect. I eventually came out of my stupor, but it literally took a couple of hours to shake it off.

Well those days are long gone. Children, worries, a husband that snored, extensive travel, with lots of time changes, and finally menopause have all changed my sleep patterns.

Oh I sleep, but not in the same way. I fall asleep but seem to wake up at 2:30 PM on a regular basis.

I’ve thought about joining neighborhood watch, so that I could use the time productively, but who wants to get up and get dressed at that hour?

Maybe my body still thinks I have to do a night time feeding.

I eventually fall back to sleep but not without some time spent going  over stuff that should have been buried with one of the Pharaohs. Old wounds, unfulfilled dreams, injustices, blah, blah, blah. The mind is often like a bunch of monkeys looking for bananas.

I have used the methods I teach others to quell the mental cacophony, but it doesn’t always work.

It’s especially hard now because of a frog that has made my fish pond his summer residence. He seems to love to sound off every fifteen minutes or so like a fog horn alerting incoming ships. This is a very loud frog. A friend of mine heard him while we were talking on the phone. I decided to see if I could find him amidst all the flora and fauna in the pond. Well it didn’t take long because he was splayed out on a Lily pad as bold as could be. He didn’t flinch as I came closer to observe. In fact he started his braying the closer I got.

All I could do was laugh.  I thought maybe if I get close enough I can kiss him and he’ll turn into a prince and take me away to a beautiful castle where I’ll get a good night’s sleep.

But, hey, been there done that.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get A Life Column for the Patriot Ledger.
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JNJ Twitter Updates for 2009-07-25

• Dr’s order: Ativan: Titrate to silence #

JNJ on Twitter

• Dr’s order: Aply polysporin to wazoo tid prn #
• @Zaga How could you get thru an anatomy class w/o learning about the old wazoo?! Ha! #
• @maddySp Medical definitions…Cauterize, verb: made eye contact with her. Outpatient, noun: a person who has fainted. :o #
• RT @maddySp Medical definitions…Cauterize, verb: made eye contact with her. Outpatient, noun: a person who has fainted. :o #
• RT @kimikal My favorite patient response is: “You’re putting that WHERE?!” … Me: You heard me. (LOL!) #
• RT @maddySp Bacteria, noun: the back door of a cafeteria. :) #
• Ha! RT @jjsteve77 speaking of cafeteria: i swear our cuisine is prepared by staph… (last name aureus!) #

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