Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

What do you do when you work with someone who is gross? I mean, really, really dirty? We have an aide who NEVER wears gloves — I’ve seen her pat down a bed to see ‘how wet it is’. Urine goes everywhere of course — but she doesn’t care!

I’m not sure if it’s bad luck or what, but I seem to ALWAYS be working with this aide. And I’ve got to tell you: it’s turning my stomach. I’m starting to dread going to work, just because who knows what she’s going to do next? What should I do?

Signed,

Squeamish in San Diego

Dear Squeamish,

You’re talking about a delicate situation here, and I, of course, recommend the subtle approach. For example, when your aide smacks her hand down in a glistening yellow puddle, I recommend jumping a good eighteen inches to two feet backwards while yelping, “Holy mackerel! Are you trying to splatter me with biohazardous material or what, sister?” or “Dude, you might not mind smelling like a urinal, but that’s NOT for me!”

Other people might advocate a more direct approach, with some education about why it’s important to wear gloves, germ theory, the whole bit. I don’t buy it. By the time you’re out of diapers, you should be socialized enough to avoid playing with what’s normally found inside of them! She knows this behavior is unacceptable; she’s just used to no one calling her on it.

It might be smart to not do this in front of a patient — they might be even more squeamish than you are! But don’t be shy about bringing this up to management, because you’re not just dealing with something that makes you uncomfortable…you’re dealing with something that could make your patients very, very sick.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Lost in Translation

My son was watching TV at his grandparent’s house while I was at work. An advertisement comes on for a certain medication, with all of the disclaimers, including, “Not to be taken by pregnant women or nursing mothers.”

My son said, “Well, Mom can’t take that then.”

This surprised my Mother, who hadn’t been told of any impending arrivals! So she questioned a little further, and my son said, “Well, Mom’s a Mom, and she’s a nurse, so…”

Apparently, I’m still a nursing mother!

Submitted by Kim Barnes, RN

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Scorpio

Scorpio shines with renewed energy and a fresh zeal for life: this may confuse colleagues and co-workers who are used to your normally more surly self. They’ll check for concussion, head trauma, a sudden spike in blood sugar…anything to explain this most uncharacteristic behavior! No fair swiping some dilating eye drops just to confuse the situation further…

Sagittarius

Research indicates that wearing a cell phone may weaken the bones in your hip — but they haven’t said anything about what cell phone usage does to the nurse who’s trying to triage the ‘emergency’ patient who’s deep in an ‘important’ conversation. Practice deep breathing and try to avoid visualizing exactly where that Blackberry would fit!

Capricorn

Solitude surrounds you, Capricorn, as co-workers call in in droves. But you can handle it: You’re SUPERNURSE! Eight beds without help? Seven simultaneous codes? Five change of shift admits? We know you can do it…what do you mean, you don’t feel so good yourself?

Aquarius

Always fond of mystery, Aquarius finds a week full of challenges to decipher — particularly when it comes to reading charts. One could lament slipping grammar and punctuation skills or choose to view it as a sort of archaic cryptogram: if you solve it correctly, you get an extra shift off with pay!

Pisces

I don’t care what a nice, sweet grandmother-type she seems to be, don’t eat the cookies she dropped off for all the nurses. Oatmeal-prune drops aren’t going to do you any favors.

Aries

Yes, you have broad shoulders, Aries, but that doesn’t mean you have to carry the weight of the world upon them. Step back and recognize what you can change, what you can’t change, and what is clearly someone else’s fault.

Taurus

Story tellers surround you this week, Taurus. Some will be wonderful: geriatric patients recounting tender memories. Others will be interesting: the patient trying to explain exactly *how* she wound up with two visitors in bed with her, performing their own persona version of physical therapy. Take notes — this will all make a great novel someday!

Gemini

Given the limited number of orifices on the human body, you’d think that eventually people would run out of ways to mis-place catheters. This week will present you with the opportunity to discover that someone will always find a fresh new way to screw things up.

Cancer

Normally blessed with a stomach o’ steel, Cancer will find this week nausea-inducing. Reminding people to put on gloves/wash their hands/use a mask wouldn’t seem to be necessary, but might do wonders for your mental health!

Leo

When a colleague tries to check the O2 tank level by using her lighter, it’s time to move on to another facility. Just sayin’.

Virgo

Mysterious facts pop up in patient histories — something to consider when the patient presenting with ‘premature labor’ turns out to have (count ‘em!) had two hysterectomies.

Libra

Stress and tension melt away as you realize that fixing what is wrong with Dr. Annoying is clearly beyond your scope of practice…Remember that being a jerk isn’t technically a diagnosable condition, and there is no known cure for stupidity!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

No Time To Teach by Fran London, MS, RN

Frustrated trying to fit patient and family education into no time? Author, Fran London, RN, MS gives you the essentials and the inspiration you need to make a big impact on the quality of care and your patient’s quality of life.

No Time to Teach helps you learn fun, creative ways to:

-Assess, educate, coach and document your teaching.
-Make the most of every teaching opportunity with patients and families
-Take a team based approach to the patient education process.
-Incorporate technology and materials into your teaching. Go from “no time to teach” to “teaching in no time.”

The Grim Reaper’s Name is Miss Communication

In Which Our Intrepid Crohn’s Patient Learns That
Flare-Ups Are Caused By The Full Moon,
Ice Chips Beat a Blank,
& When RNs Talk – Shut Up & Listen

By William D. Mongelli, M.L.S.

DAY ONE: MONDAY

I’m Too Obstructed To Die
The last time I was in hospital, so was Ronald Reagan, after nearly having been murdered by some impress-Jody-Foster bullets on an all-American D.C. street corner.

Flash-forward, dear Reader, to 2PM Monday afternoon—March 30th, 2009 precisely. Read more

And That’s When I Knew I Needed To Have My Hearing Checked…

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong
with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

Are my test results back?“

Get A Life by Loretta LaRoche

I wonder where all the old fashioned telephone operators are? Have they gone to some distant planet where an evolved species has recognized the unbelievable power of “real” human connection?

I hope so, because it would be so sad if their talents were simply left unnoticed or unused. I loved picking up the phone and hearing a real person who I could interact with.

Oh, there are still some pockets of humans left. My cell phone service has directory assistance with real people who are actually interested in helping. The same company uses a clone for their home service.

I know that all companies have to monitor their bottom line, but should it be at the mercy of their customers’ mental well being? Every time I pick up the phone to try to access someone’s number, I know I will probably end up with my blood pressure and heart rate maxed out. I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in a straight jacket some day after talking to the “human wannabe”!

Who ever created this aberration seems to have forgotten to test its hearing. The other day it asked for city and state. I responded Colorado and it repeated back, colonoscopy. I initially remained calm but after a few minutes of bantering back and forth, I finally said the magic word “operator” and was connected to a real person. She seemed to understand me immediately and connected me without a problem.

Clones aside, another “made for madness” device is the voice mail that has to tell you about all the services the organization has before you can reach what you need.

Why do I need to know where to get my dry cleaning done, get a pap smear, have my car detailed or be able to accumulate points to go to Guatemala as a result of their new and improved services? I called to get my bank balance. Why do I need to listen to a minute or so of added amenities that have nothing to do with my checking account?

What’s next? I’m sure when all phones have visual components, we’ll all have to watch commercials and previews of coming perks until our eyes cross.

Or maybe, just maybe someone will invent a contraption that allows you to mute all the bull#*#t so you can get want you really wanted , the information you called for…what a thought!

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get A Life Column for the Patriot Ledger.

JNJ on Twitter

• What do you get when you mix Milk of Mag with orange juice? A Philllp's screwdriver. #

Almost Home: Embracing the Magical Connection Between Positive Humor & Spirituality

“Almost Home: Embracing the Magical Connection Between Positive Humor & Spirituality” is the autobiographical journey of Jacki Kwan as she learns to bring laughter into her own life as well as the lives of others. In the text Jacki shows how she has learned to use laughter to help heal (physically as well as emotionally) and inspire. It is consistently clear throughout the text that she encourages the use of positive humor to connect to your deeper spiritual self as well as to help others connect with themselves.

Jacki works with a theraputic humor program and has helped create such programs at various locations. If you are interested in using humor for therapy the appendices contain useful information and resources.

Get A Life by Loretta Laroche

Whenever I do a seminar on stress management, I always get a majority of individuals who want to spend a lot of time discussing the past and how different their lives would have been if they had made better decisions. It’s all well and good to visit the past if it serves as a way to learn valuable lessons that make life more meaningful. Unfortunately most people act as if they are prisoners of their pasts.

Albert Ellis, a renowned expert in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy, coined a phrase I absolutely love. He calls getting stuck in what ifs’ “shoulding on yourself”. I should have gotten a different job, I should have married someone else, I should exercise more, eat better, and on and on.

If you can relax and stop “shoulding on yourself”, you’re going to enjoy life much more.

Here are some steps to help you live more in the here and now:

1. Whenever you get caught up in thinking about what you should have done, stop and think about what a waste of energy that is. You can’t go back and redo it, because that period of time has passed. As long as you’re still breathing, there’s a possibility that you can do it now. However, if you have no intention to follow through, give it up and move on.

2. Buy yourself a whip and keep it handy. Every time you start to drown yourself or others in “should” grab the whip and give yourself a good beating. You’re already self-flagellating, so why not do it as authentically as possible.

3. Keep a “should” journal. You’ll probably be shocked to discover how many times a day “shoulda, coulda, woulda, comes out of your mouth.

4. There are certain things that have to be done in life. Do them to the best of your ability and then forget about them.

5. Don’t allow “shoulding” to go on at home or at work. Ask people to express themselves in better ways. “Shoulding” is filled with judging and finding fault. As a result, our surroundings become a courtroom filled with prosecutors and attorneys.

Life is too precious to waste on what might have been. Get over it, get on with it and live “NOW”.

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