Eliza Katherine Gallagher works in Emergency. her friends call her Kate, but when she initials a chart, she’s “EKG”
Do you love this kind of humor? Then you won’t want to miss Andrew Heenan’s Coincidental Nurses Page where he collects some of the best examples.
Dear Nurse Marge,
Can you develop an allergy to phones? I think I have: the minute I go off duty, I develop an uncontrollable nervous reaction that is triggered by the sound of my cell phone ringing. I twitch, I flail, my eyes roll back in my head…it’s terrible.
I try ignoring the phone but if I know it’s work and I don’t answer, I feel terribly guilty. But I don’t want to go into work on my day off. What do I do?
Signed,
Phone-phobic in PA
Dear Phone-Phobic,
It sounds to me like you need one of those hypo-allergenic phones. They’re expensive, but worth every penny. Here’s what you do. You get a telephone, from any major carrier. Then you hire a personal assistant to carry the phone around all of the time. They have to be far enough away from you at all times so you can’t hear the phone ringing! Then, they take all your calls. If work is calling, they can ignore it. Why not? They’re still getting paid…as long as you have a job!
Good Luck!
Nurse Marge
There are always a lot of policemen on the road during the holiday season, so we pulled out a favorite law enforcement joke from the JNJ archives:
Q: What happens when a heart specialist gets stopped by the highway patrol?
A: Cardiac arrest!
Horoscopes just for Nurses!
Sagittarius
We know you’re silver tongued, Sagittarius, but this week, you’ll find your foot firmly in your mouth if you’re not careful! Communications prove to be troubling until Thursday, at which point much will become clear.
Capricorn
Fears crop up from a long-forgotten corner, Capricorn; anxiety and self-doubt plague every decision. That is until you remember to consider the source of your loudest critics — and the fact they think the hospital is REALLY just like Scrubs!
Aquarius
Logistical triumphs mark your week, Aquarius: who else can dispense meds, track down a wandering patient, get a doctor to clarify an order, answer the call button nineteen times, and re-start the IV pump the visitor shut off for being ‘too loud’ all in the first twelve seconds of a shift?
Pisces
It must be Thanksgiving, Pisces: You’re surrounded by turkeys!
Aries
The unexpected is so usual that you consider even the strangest day routine, Aries, but this week something will happen that will shatter your usual aplomb. Make sure to knock on every door and announce yourself before pulling back every curtain, just to be sure!
Taurus
This week presents you with the opportunity to make exciting self-discoveries, Taurus. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? (Yes, we’d run and hide too…)
Gemini
This holiday season, you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who think your life is either exactly like “Mercy” or “Scrubs” Confuse them by acting out the funny bits of the former and the sexy bits of the latter.
Cancer
Studies DO say that having companion animals speeds recovery times. Lucky you has the patient who decides to test the theory with a head full of crawly little companions. Let’s see if they get well before you get ill!
Leo
It’s amazing, isn’t it, Leo, how the same family members who hadn’t seen Granny in years are now incensed it might take you a minute to respond to her call?
Virgo
You know you’re getting older when your first thought upon hearing about Sketcher’s new line of nursing shoes was not “What do they look like?” but “How comfortable are they?” This week will be full of similar distressing moments of self-knowledge.
Libra
A passionate love affair is beginning on your unit. Everyone knows, but no one wants to say. You can see it in their eyes…the sideways glances, the raised eyebrow. It’s just not natural for someone to be *that* fond of the coffeepot!
Scorpio
Almost every nurse cares for someone famous over the course of this career. This could be your week as the world’s most famous catfish wrangler and professional contortionist needs care.
Reflecting on what’s been learned
As yet another semester races toward closure it is important you make and take time to reflect on the activities in which you had your students engaged. Now that your students have some distance, what educational value can your students identify as they reflect on one activity after another?
Especially if you’ve integrated humor-based activities into your instruction, your students need to look back, inward, and outward, to see – and communicate with you and their peers – how all the semester’s activities have contributed toward what they have learned. This is not a graded activity. The purpose of the conversation is to help students reflect, integrate, synthesize and articulate what they learned. (more…)
This time of year can be confusing for many people. The frenzy of preparing turkeys and pumpkin pies, coordinating out of town guests and travel arrangements, and other ‘festive’ activities can create a type of identity stress, leaving you confused about whether or not you are, in fact, a nurse.
To help in this sitution (because we here at JNJ are a helpful bunch!) we’ve designed this simple quiz. Answer these questions, and you’ll be able to determine if you are or not a nurse.
Question #1: It’s Thanksgiving Day. Where are you?
A) In the kitchen, lovingly preparing meals for my nearest and dearest. They’re going to love the cornbread dressing!
B) Propped up in front of the TV, watching the Macy’s Day Parade followed by the Westminster Dog Show, followed by entirely too much football while snarfing down turkey-dressing-pumpkin pie sandwiches. (Don’t judge!)
C) On my way to Grandmother’s house, over the river and through the woods, with a nice stretch along Route 66.
D) In a toe-to-toe confrontration with a combative patient who insists that they’re going home for the holidays, chest pain be damned!
Question #2: When is Thanksgiving?
A) Traditionally, the third Thursday in November. (October if you’re Canadian!)
B) November 26th.
C) We usually aim for sometime in the fall.
D) 2:00 on the dot at Nana’s house, come hell or highwater.
Question #3: When You Serve Thanksgiving Dinner, You:
A) Model your presentation on Martha Stewart’s elegant plates.
B) Forget Martha Stewart! It’s all about Paula Deen and mountains of butter-saturated food, baby!
C) Serve? I get one day off in sixteen months, and you want me to wait on YOU?
D) Cut everything into bite-sized pieces to avoid any unnecesary excitement during the meal.
Question #4: The ideal Thanksgiving menu:
A) Turkey, dressing, gravy, potatoes, veggies, cranberry sauce, dessert.
B) Anything I don’t have to cook.
C) A vegetarian extravaganza, with a stuffed pumpkin, tofu delights, roasted brussel sprouts, and a vegan cheesecake with caramel topping.
D) Is hot, served on real dishes (not a bedpan!), and takes longer than 2.2 minutes to eat.
Question #5: To prepare your turkey:
A) Baste often, using a Toomey syringe (best idea EVER!)
B) Consult the Food Network often, with the Butterball helpline on speed dial.
C) Piece of cake, I do it every year!
D) Boston Market has them ready to go for $40!
Your Answer Key
Question Number 1
If you picked:
A, B, or C: Likely not a nurse.
D: Your’e a nurse!
Question Number 2
If you picked:
A, B, or D: Likely not a nurse.
C: You’re a nurse!
Question Number 3
If you picked:
A or B: Likely not a nurse.
C or D: You’re a nurse!
Question Number 4
If you picked
A, B, or C: Likely not a nurse (We’re willing to entertain arguements about answer B here!)
D: You’re a nurse!
Question Number 5
If you picked
A: You’re a nurse!
B, C, or D: Likely not a nurse
Other questiosn for our quiz VERY welcome! What else should we ask ourselves?
HOW PUMPKIN PIES ARE MADE!
I am always amazed at how often a study comes out that discovers the obvious. The latest, greatest finding is about popcorn. It seems that the researchers discovered that movie popcorn has many more calories than previously thought, even without the butter.
This is another big DUH!
I often buy popcorn and have it as a snack. The kind I buy is low in calories and has no butter in it. I have discovered that I can add spices to it and it becomes a yummy treat.
Does that mean I don’t occasionally have the movie version? Of course not. But I have never deluded myself into believing that just because I don’t have them squirt butter on it that it is better for me. It tastes too good not to have something in it that puts it over the top calorie wise even without the butter.
These revelations that constantly come out daily about something we’re eating, drinking, wearing, or doing should be put into a publication called “The Dictionary of DUHS”.
Have we all become so hypnotized by marketers that all forms of common sense have been abandoned? A couple of weeks ago the FDA told the makers of Cocoa Crispies to remove a statement that alluded to the fact that they could improve a child’s immunity. What group of collective nitwits came up with this ridiculous conclusion?
Some other DUHS I’ve been floored by are: wearing a seat belt could save your life, exercise increases energy and helps you maintain or lose weight, being with people who love you and whom you love may help you live longer, laughter helps relieve stress, too much anger is bad for your heart, and on and on.
None of these statements are rocket science, yet they continue to be studied and reported at the cost of millions of tax dollars.
What frightens me is that we seem to have lost our abilities to think for ourselves. If it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck…Guess what? It’s a duck!
When you eat a bag of French fries, a big burger with cheese and a vat of cola day in and day out and spend most of your time melding into your couch; do you really need to read a scientific report that says most of what you ate might advance your journey to the great “dirt nap”?
How about going from DUH to HUH? Maybe if we all started railing against all this stupidity there might be less of it….DUH!
Loretta LaRoche writes the Get A Life Column for the Patriot Ledger.