Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m coming to nursing as a second career.  My first career, if you could call it that, was working in a body art studio.  I’ve got numerous tattoos, but most of them don’t show.  There’s a string of orchids down my forearm that ends above my wrists that shows if I’m in short sleeves.  They’re pretty and fairly tasteful if a bit on the large side.  Will this keep me from getting a nursing job?

Signed, Inked in Illinois

Dear Inked,

Tattoos have become more and more mainstream.  I recently watched a show about a cardiologist who had a large demon holding an anatomically correct heart in his clawed hands done on his back, and no one told that guy he was out of a job.

Yeah, I know. Like anyone could tell a surgeon anything, anyway!

I hate to tell you “It depends”, but It Depends.  In some areas, having large tattoos may make you more employable,  not less.  Some hospitals may want you to cover your tattoos — although I’d shy away from the ever popular “Stick a bandage on it” method — wrapping up ink that large will leave you looking like you’ve had major surgery, not a random scrape!

Many nurses have tattoos, you know.  You just don’t see them.  There’s the very popular  “Doctors who will NEVER touch me” list that many nurses have done on their chest, along with DNR orders and “Don’t Cut This Off!”.

There are some tattoos you probably should avoid getting.  “Diverting in My Favorite Diversion” would be right out, in my opinion.  Square needles? “Tourniquets for All Head Wounds!”  These are images that just don’t inspire confidence in your nursing skills.  Try to keep that in mind when going under the needle.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Your medical knowledge isn’t enough to cure the virus that’s crashed the computer system, Aquarius. Frustrations with technology help you bond with colleagues that normally infuriate you. This may be a sign of the apocalypse, but the system will likely be back on line before you know for sure. Proceed with caution.

Pisces

This would be a good week to announce your intention to withdraw from the world and ponder one of life’s great mysteries: why would one ever use a denture cup when there’s so many lovely discarded dirty napkins available?

Aries

Some weeks are simply awesome. Some weeks are to be watched out for. This week is a mix of both. Hold your head high and watch where you step. At the same time. That one puddle there looks rather slippery.

Taurus

There’s been an outbreak of Hospital/Hotel Confusion Syndrome running rampant among your patients this week. Surprisingly, a cure is discovered the very minute you look for a tip!

Gemini

The brightest star in the sky shines directly on you this week. Like an X-Ray from heaven. Where’s your lead vest?!

Cancer

Who needs to watch soap operas when you have visiting hours? This week presents you with drama, pathos, tension, reconciliation, a surprise baby — all you need know is a wedding to take place just outside the OR doors! The hubbub dies down midweek, but will likely pick up again in sweeps season.

Leo

Every day brings you one step closer to your dreams, and two steps closer to your fears. Learn hopscotch.

Virgo

Money will not solve all your problems this week so… no we’re kidding, it totally would.

Libra

This is a week of reflection for you, but don’t blame the mirror for what you see. Blame the vending machine — and perhaps the remnants of that birthday cake that was left at the nurse’s station.

Scorpio

Watch out for flying bedpans this week. Not thrown, mind you. Flying. Yeah. It’s like that We’re not sure who (or what!) you’ve irritated, but this week will be supernatural!

Sagittarius

If you work enough double shifts this week you may see your dreams come true. Then again you may be so tired you see all sorts of interesting things. Hallucination is fun.

Capricorn

Do not search for hidden meaning in the charts this week. You missed it. That was last week. Didn’t we… oh, we forgot. Sorry.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Don’t rely upon Suzanne to help you make the right life decisions. Nope. She just gazes up into the sky, and this is what emerges. You’ll note the lack of responsible financial advice, relationship guidance, professional wisdom or anything else vaguely helpful.

The Recruiting Game

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”

“How do I know which to choose?” she asked.

“That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”

With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. “Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.” With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”

The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.

Pinpoint Assessment

A wife became concerned about her overworked husband and took him to their physician for a checkup. The office nurse led them to the exam room and took the husband’s vital signs. She then took the wife aside and whispered, Read more

Our Cutting Edge Diagnostic Team Uses Advanced Technology

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

When You’re Running to the Bathroom

Or at least thinking about it (because we all know nurses have bladders the size of Winnebago water tanks, right?) take a moment to think about your fellow nurses who are in the military. Tammy Swofford is a nurse in the Naval Reserve, and on her blog shares her thoughts about many things pertaining to military service, political policy, and what it’s like to be a nurse in the service.

We know it’s hard to get a bathroom break here — but this is what you’d face if you were in the service:

This photo shows the female head (latrine) within the enclosed building, and the field latrine built by one of the men on the Advance Party of WATC02 (Ghana, W. Africa) I was also Advance Party and was one of the first to use the enclosed female latrine. Did I mention that when I sat on the toilet I heard a “swish” and caught sight of a snake in the bowl and ran in terror with my pants around my ankles?

Basically, the male latrine required digging a pit, popping a pipe down into the pit and filling the pit with gravel, placing a screen over the top of the urinal. In the field there is really no complete privacy, and so it is up to the individual to either allow a measure of dignity in the latrine or…. have a sense of humor and take a few pictures.

Worst field latrine was during an exercise which went far into the night. The “enemy” had cut our generators and we were working in the medical tents in the dark. Feeling nature’s call, a male Naval officer escorted me through the brush and “enemy fire” to the latrine. Read more

Get A Life by Loretta LaRoche

I recently read an article in the New York Times on “How to Train the Aging Brain”. I am fascinated with these types of articles because my brain is definitely aging and I want to do everything I can to deter it from becoming older than it needs to be.

Jack Mezirow, a professor emeritus at Columbia Teachers College, has proposed that adults learn best if presented with what he calls a “disorienting dilemma” or something that “helps you critically reflect on the assumptions you’ve acquired.”

Easier said than done. How often do we dig our heels in and defend our positions about what we think about.

I have found over the years when I am teaching a workshop on stress management that most people find it incredibly difficult to change their assumptions. Most of us like the comfort of our perspectives. Staying wrapped in a cocoon of thoughts that feel familiar helps us stay stuck in the status quo.

How many times have you heard someone say, “Don’t rock the boat”, “Don’t make waves”, “Leave it alone”? Certainly all those phrases have merit when the occasion calls for it.

But more often than not we need to stop and listen to how we really feel about a situation rather than accepting it at face value. A friend of mine always takes me to task for reviewing how I handled certain situations. Her modus operandi is more devoted to standing in the wings and waiting for someone else to make the decision for her. She would never question her thinking process because she might have to do things differently.

Once we go down that path a whole tsunami of issues might crop up. Individuals around you might start to think that you have a mind of your own and then they might have to question how they relate to you.

I spent a great deal of my younger years staying on the safe side. If I never questioned my assumptions then I would never have to mature and grow. My career choice threw me into models of thinking that have consistently challenged my thinking patterns.

Stop and listen occasionally to how and what you’re thinking about. Become the witness to your thoughts, you may be surprised and delighted or you may be horrified.

Either way you may just discover that you have much more control over your mind then you ever imagined.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get A Life Column for the Patriot Ledger.

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Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m a new nurse, and as new nurses are wont to do, asked my preceptor how I could be doing better. She told me I could try moving a little faster, which floored me — it seems like I NEVER stop moving! How can I speed it up?

Signed,

Slow Poke in Philly

Dear Slow Poke,

Ah, the classic question from new nurses everywhere — how do I go faster? There’s so much to do, and it all has to be right, and that’s enough stress without the speed.

Efficiency experts will tell you that you can have two out of any three of the following qualities: fast, accurate, and inexpensive. Now, take a look at your paycheck. With what they’re paying you, you’re already committed to the inexpensive portion of the equation! That means you have to choose between right and fast.

Choose right. Speed will come in time.

Of course, if you’re impatient — and of course you’re impatient, this is a question about needing to go faster — may I recommend taking a trip to the local skate park for inspiration? Roller blades will fix all of your problems. You simply glide from call to call, zooming along at a million miles an hour, and if someone complains, you refocus them on the nifty new trick you’ve just learned. I’ve personally found that a great grind along the edge of the crash cart will leave even my most ardent critics speechless.

You may not be able to go faster. The trick then becomes LOOKING like you’re going faster. Some nurses call this multi-tasking, and I’ve noticed that it works best for them (as a diversionary tactic, I don’t know how well it works when it comes to actually getting things done) if they narrate everything they do as they do it. “And now, I’ve got to go pour Mr. X’s meds but first I have to check 224 and call Dr. J to clarify that order and sign up to cover the holiday and also schedule an appointment to have Wilbur, my prized Maltese Sheepherding Dog, trained to appear in the next Westminster show, which I’m fitting in after volunteering at the medic’s tent at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.”

If you trip them, they’ll fall down and create clearance in the hallway, allowing you to move past them. I guarantee it’ll look like you’re getting things done faster once you’re IN FRONT of these multi-tasking nurses. You’ll be traveling faster than the speed of sound, and who can complain about that?

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Helping Haiti

Looking for a way to help in Haiti? Here is a link to The American Red Cross Website. Here is a link to Doctors without Borders Both groups are collecting funds to help the situation and provide relief; additionally, both can use skilled volunteers. (At any time, but especially now!)

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