If the stand up comedy routine, “You might be a Redneck if…” was adapted to GOMERS (ie, representatives of the Get Out of My Emergency Room class of patients, it might go like this:
You might be a GOMER…
If you reach down to scratch your crotch and come back with a Foley.
If your BP is 40/20 and you’re still completely coherent.
If your answer to every question is one statement and it’s something like “Lubba lubba lubba.”
If your entire wardrobe consists of surgical gowns and diapers.
If your toenails are longer than a legally concealed weapon.
If you get up to go to the bathroom and discover you’re missing a leg.
If pure enjoyment to you is a new Foley.
If you have kept more than eight people awake for more than three nights in a row.
If your Sealy Posturepedic is now a Kin Air.
If you amuse yourself by seeing how high you can decorate the walls with little balls of you know what.
If your Right Guard has been replaced with Granulex.
If you cuss your roommate for the puddles under your bed, only to find out you have no roommate.
If your bed is made in the layered, easy to peel style.
If you look up from the floor for the fourth time tonight and wonder, “This looks familiar,” or “How did I get here?”
If you think K-Y is an after dinner mint.
If you cop a feel of your nurse, only to have her chuckle at you and pat your hand.
If your room has a constant aroma of fermenting hay.
If the last time you had a BM you were nicknamed “Noah” or someone screamed “Tide’s up!”
If your diapers come by the truckload.
If you maneuvered yourself so you can take a dump over the side rail.
If your name appears on more than three employee injury forms as cause of injury.
If the last day you clearly remember is more than ten days ago.
Be assured that every “If” has a face, a name, and an endearing story. Hopefully others may start seeing those dreaded moments with a little lighter heart or even an “If” of their own.
By: Mark Winkelman, RN, with help from Sherri Wheelis, RN, Ray Lynch, LPN, and Bridget Leaonard-Cook, LPN.
