Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.
So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!
Dear Nurse Marge,
I’ve just come from a meeting where our latest PG scores were the main topic– you can imagine how much fun that was! We learned our rooms were too cold — except when they were too hot. It was impossible to watch the big game on the TV (local area blackout). No one provided snacks for visitors and family members — even when the nurses were asked for such things! If you can imagine the horror, someone kept checking on the patients — taking vitals, giving meds, checking pumps. Management is in a tizzy and we’ve all been asked to come up with our plan to address these ‘customer service issues’.
What should be in that plan? So many of these things are completely beyond our control! And they’re complaining about us doing our jobs — how do you answer that?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
You need an anagram. Anagrams are management’s Ativan — you hit them with a good dose, and they suddenly forget that they have any problems at all. After all, an anagram can be used to create a public relations campaign: they can make posters and announcements and even television commercials about how much they CARE, and that affects public perception, and that’s what the PG is all about, really.
Of course, to be accurate, a promise to CARE would mean:
C: Cater to a patient’s every need, no matter how insane or excessive. You need your Pomeranian pampered, your hair done by a Hollywood stylist, and the room decorated to suit your personal design aesthetic? No problem!
A: Allow you to enjoy every single aspect of your life without any regard to any silly, namby-pamby health concerns. You’re scheduled for a quadruple bypass three days before your 23rd birthday? Why shouldn’t you have that takeout your buddy brought you from the Heart Attack Cafe? It’ll be funny, ironic and hipster! The surgeon was just kidding about you being NPO before the procedure anyway.
R: Respect the extensive medical expertise you and your family brings to the hospital. After all, you’ve done such a good job keeping yourself healthy and moving so far! Why should we bother you with all these pesky tests and labs and procedures? If your Great Grandfather had flea bitus just like this and they cured it with mustard paste, vinegar and a compress of busted beer bottles and iron filings mixed in bear grease, well, that’s good enough for us!
E: Expertly diagnose your medical issue, no matter how rare, obscure, or complicated it may be, by asking you three or four bizarre, deeply personal questions and screaming at your family members. That’s how it works on television, that’s how it’s going to work here. All health concerns will be resolved in a 55 minute time frame, unless, of course, your untimely death proves to be necessary to advance the plot.
You may want to tweak the wording a little bit before passing it along, but you get the general idea. Who knows? If the big wigs like the idea well enough, you might even get one of those restaurant gift certificates they give folks who complain about being in the waiting room too long.
Ok, now I’m just being silly.
Good Luck!
Nurse Marge
Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.
Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!
