Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.

So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!

Dear Nurse Marge,

What will it take to get a clue through to the day shift? I understand that everyone slips up once in a while, but every day for the past week, I’ve gotten calls from the day shift in the middle of the day with stupid questions — info that could have easily been found in the chart or that I have no idea about! Definitely not worth waking me up for — and when I don’t get at least *some* sleep it’s hard to make it into work the next night. This is making me nuts — what do I do about it?

Sleepless in West VA

Dear Sleepless,

Change your phone number. They’re never going to ‘get it’.

If you don’t want to do that, consider changing your answering message. I recommend something like:

Hey, it’s Sleepless! I’m sleeping right now, but if you leave a message, when I wake up, I’ll call you back. If it’s absolutely urgent, please consider using your considerable nursing skills that you paid big bucks to acquire to figure out the best thing to do on your own. You can tell me about it in the evening – I’ll make sure to call you when I’m on the clock to see how well things went for you! Bye!

Make sure to call people back, every time. At home. During the slowest time of your shift — you know that little lull that kicks in around 0200? That’s a GREAT time to call people — even the party hounds are home by then. Obviously, they’ll be thrilled to wake up and tell you whatever you need to know!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.

Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!

As seen on Twitter:

We responded to the local no-tell motel, and found a couple whose age was in question, looking very nervous as the police question them. The call is a possible seizure, and as we hear the complaint from the male party, they were “becoming intimate, when she suddenly lost all muscle control and began to shake violently on the bed.” One of the cops pats the kid on the shoulder and said, “Hell, son, you just did it right.” Best part, they were underage, and had to wait for their parents.

A woman with terminal cancer returns to religion with fervor. She knows that God will help her get better.

Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery.

“No”, she says, “I don’t want to get mutilated and suffer pain. It’s not necessary, God will help me”.

A while later, she sees a radiologist and he proposes radiation to treat the tumor, which by now is uncomfortably large. “No”, she says, “I don’t want radiation burns inside and out. It’s not necessary. God will help me.”

A year later, the cancer has metastasized. It’s painful and she is referred to an oncologist. Chemotherapy is advised. “No”, she says, “I don’t want to be sick all the time and lose my hair as well. It’s not necessary. God will help me”.

Soon after, she dies. She goes to Heaven and demands an audience with God. “Why didn’t you help me?,” she whines.

“What do you mean? I sent you help three times: a surgeon, a radiologist and an oncologist. What more did you want?”

Editor’s Note: At first glance, this may not *appear* to be written for nurses — but every single day, every time we walk into the exam room or pick up the phone, we’ve got an audience: our patients.  We need them to listen, to connect, to pay attention, to be there with us.  And in that light, we’ve decided to share what Steve – an expert at connecting with audiences — has to say.

No matter what group I’m speaking to or what program I’m giving, I always start off with 5 to 10 minutes of non-stop comedy.  Why?  Because nothing can captivate an audience and hold their attention more than “The Power Of Laughter.”  As soon as the laughter starts I can actually feel the tension in the room dissipate.  Their energy level is cranked and everyone is primed for a good time.

I heard someone say that today we live in the “United States Of Entertainment.”  I believe speakers have to adhere to this statement.  We are living in an age were the attention span of the average audience is about 30 minutes out of a 60 minute span.  To make matters more challenging, audience members are twittering, text messaging, e-mailing and even answering their cell phones during a presentation.  Unless a speaker has some kind of entertaining quality, they run the risk of loosing their personal connection with the audience. (more…)

“Wow, you’re short.”

The comment still amazes me.

How is it that otherwise intelligent beings sometimes suddenly spew forth the most obvious of statements? Fortunately, medical folks are generally exempt from committing this comment calamity. Nonetheless, I thought I’d relay how it plays out in the rest of the world.

A group of friends and I recently shared breakfast. I was the tallest in the group. Woo hoo! At 4’6”, that’s a rare occurrence; one that hasn’t happened for a few decades. Usually, by fourth grade, kids are looking at the stray, corkscrew grays poking out of the top of my head. It’s just not right.

It was with unexpected excitement and feelings of tallness that I joined the gathering. Inevitably, talk turned to smart people suddenly acting like they’re not.

We each shared our own replies to the ‘You’re short’ comment.

After decades of trying out assorted replies to the standard line of “Wow, you’re short,” I finally decided to go with humor. It helps them and it helps me. Following is my now standard response to ‘Wow, you’re short:’

“Oh my gosh. Really?! I am?! You’re kidding. No one ever told me that before. I always thought I was 5’8”. Dang it. Now I’m going to have to go home and shorten all my clothes. No wonder my pant legs drag on the ground. I suppose I’ll have to change my driver’s license, too.  If only someone had tipped me off ages ago. It’s traumatic finding out this way. Sheesh.”

Pairing the rant with feigned shock and a hint of playfulness typically gets the point across without bruising too many egos.

Humor beats anger any day. Been there, done that, too. Same with sarcasm.

“Kris, you’re so short.”

“And you are so brunette.” (Ah yes, I still like this one and dust it off on occasion.)

I became acquainted with this group of small gals because of a chance encounter outside my neurosurgeon’s office recently. As I was leaving the office and entering the building’s hallway, a small voice from the far end of the hall called out: “I think I’m about to meet my new best friend!”

Coming toward me was an impeccably dressed older woman. She came closer and stopped. We stood eye to eye. What an amazing way to connect.

“Hi, I’m Cari.”

I recognized the voice from local commercials. Well-known throughout the area as a leading businesswoman, I never realized she was my size.

This could be great fun. She obviously had a fantastic wardrobe. We could trade clothes, if we so chose. And we did.

Same attitude, same spirit; we hit it off instantly. Bonus – we both love our convertibles, and ‘met’ each other’s that day. It reminded me of a day 20 years ago when I stepped out of my then-sedan, to hear a deep, booming voice:  “Shore is a big car for such a lil’ lady.”

Cracked me up then, as now. And not a “Wow, you’re short” within earshot.

Stickability Specialist Kris Harty helps healthcare teams persevere through Compassion Fatigue. Kris is Chief Inspiration Officer of Strong Spirit Unlimited. By sharing Stickabilities, or tools, she learned from her own medically challenging life requiring a Walking Stick, Kris encourages healthcare professionals to Stick to it – no matter what! Diagnosed at age seven with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, she draws on 40 years of insight, research and stories as a healthcare recipient. She is the patient who now returns to say “You make a difference. Thank you.” Her message is content-rich, practical, engaging and inspiring – and sporadically funny. Kris reduces burnout, turnover, and Compassion Fatigue by re-engaging healthcare professionals, particularly nurses. Kris Harty is an inspirational keynote speaker, author and small group facilitator who helps people overcome challenges by creating unstoppable momentum in life and work. Clients say her message is life changing. Call 877.711.STICK, e-mail StrongSpirit@StrongSpiritUnlimited.com, or visit  www.StrongSpiritUnlimited.com.

The other night I clicked onto the” movies on demand” station and as I scrolled through possible selections, a young woman’s voice relentlessly announced and reviewed other possible selections. As I became more and more perturbed by her faux cheeriness, I realized that I could hit the mute button and her barrage of words would be eliminated. The relief I felt from the silence was immediate. I also realized that we somehow have transitioned into a society that is always bombarded with someone talking about something.

There was a time when television stations shut down and all you saw and heard was static. I often yearn for static. At least it doesn’t share any kind of information. Most often you don’t have any choice in whether you want to hear the incessant “blah, blah, blah”. It seems to permeate every public area. 

Try going to a restaurant and simply enjoying a meal with some quiet background music. Not a chance! More often than not, there are two or three flat screen TV’s  each airing different programs. After all we don’t want the customers to go into withdrawal.

Many people have the TV on all day so they don’t miss anything that might be happening here or somewhere on the planet. The insanity lies in the repetition. Take the recent alert for hurricane Earl. Every station reported it and went over it until most of us could have gotten a degree in meteorology.

Yes, I could have turned it off, but my passion is the observation of absurdity, and nothing was more absurd then watching one of the reporters describing waves as she was buffeted about the beach in an almost horizontal position.

Many talk shows not only have guests but also include a panel of” so called experts” that engage in verbal boxing matches”. Outshouting and interrupting in order to get their point across is par for the course. I guess listening while someone else talks and then responding has gone out of style in exchange for being rude.  

But then, what’s new? We have all seen the erosion of civility over the years as we marched into the era of “self absorption”. I am always optimistic that we may wake up some day and actually start listening to one another, but until then I have a new best friend, “the mute button”.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.

So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!

Dear Nurse Marge,

It’s Labor Day, a day I dread like no other.  I work (of course!) on L&D, and every year, it’s a day spent with the endless jokes about how funny it is to be laboring on Labor Day.  It drives me UP THE WALL. The first million times I heard it, it didn’t bother me: now, though, I cringe and want to throw things every time someone makes the oh-so-clever observation.

What should I do?  It’s going to be a long shift!

Signed,

It’s Just  Not Funny Anymore!

Dear It’s Not Just Funny Anymore!

You can’t talk someone into giving you a ‘sample’ from the Narc cart?  It’s truly called for, in the face of such provocation!  The right drugs in your system ensures that you won’t care how clever how your patients — or their legions of supporters — might think they are.

Remember: any joke is funny the first time you hear it!  Realistically, new parents to be are generally such a mess that they should get credit for any attempt at humor– even if it’s a tired old laugh like this one.

If this is the worst thing that happens to you today, it’ll be a good day.  And if it’s not the worst thing that happens today, you won’t even notice it.  Just remember: after today, you’re free from this joke for another 364 days…plenty of time to put in your time off request for NEXT YEAR!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.

Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!

To encourage patients to take deep breaths after surgery, nurses or respiratory therapists will teach the patient to use inspirometers. Several years ago, a popular model included a chamber with three plastic balls, which, when the patient blew into the mouthpiece hard enough, would rise to the top of the chamber.

The young male respiratory therapist had been working with 85-year-old Mrs. M every hour. She was growing weary. As he entered the room for the ninth time, the patient announced: “Looky here, sonny! You can just blow your own balls!”

Quote from Patty Wooten, RN

My father in law, who was dying of brain cancer, came home from a hospital stay. It was his and my mother in law’s anniversary so I suggested they invite a few friends over for dinner…

Jimmy managed to get out of bed to join us. The strain of feeding himself and the presence of guests were obviously tiring him. Knowing that he could not hear very well, my mother in law passed a note to me to give to him. I read it and got hysterical with laughter. She remembered what she wrote and laughed too.

The note read, “Happy Anniversary Dear. Do you want to go to bed?”

Jimmy read his wife’s note, looked across the table, and with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face said, “I would love to dear, but we have company!”

Quote from Allen Klein