Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

Over the last twenty years or so our culture has become besotted with the concept that happiness is contingent on having positive thoughts. The pursuit of this belief drives many people to think something is wrong with them. The irony is that this very belief creates even more unhappiness. Many of us have been acculturated since childhood to love happy endings.

Unfortunately, life often hands us lemons and we can’t always make lemonade out of them by simply thinking positive thoughts. In fact a certain degree of negativity allows for self reflection, allowing us to look at a problem from different perspectives.

A body of research focused on “defensive pessimism” has shown that we need pessimistic thoughts to navigate life in a balanced way. Many things we value bring a wide range of feelings.

You can have a wonderful partner, but unless he’s a robot, there will be times when he/she disappoints you, and conflicts will rise. All my happily ever thoughts did not stop me from getting divorced.

A job may bring great satisfaction, but inevitably something may happen, like pay cuts or termination. Good health can be disrupted by minor or major illnesses.

Repeatedly filling your head with positive thoughts and images may be a step in the right direction, but life is not that simple.

In fact trying to avoid unpleasant feelings often gives them more of a foothold. For example consider this analogy: “There’s a pink elephant standing in the middle of your room, but I don’t want you to think about him”. I would bet that you are having a hard time not conjuring up that elephant. I have discovered that whenever I struggle with something, it takes more of a foothold.

So does this mean that you should not attempt to engage in more positive types of thoughts and emotions? Absolutely not! But do consider making space for unpleasant feelings.

Become more aware of your thoughts and what you do about them. Becoming more “mindful” allows us to become more adept at using acceptance or action to solve our problems. A flexible mind gives us the opportunity to bounce back from life’s challenges. And that just might make us feel happier.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life By Loretta LaRoche

We live in a world where everyone expects things to come quickly and easily. God forbid we should have to wait a few extra minutes for a cup of coffee or have to put up with traffic. Fast-food restaurants have become a metaphor for life: Get it fast and easy!

It just may well be that as we’ve gone down this road, we’ve lost something along the way. Consider the following startling facts:

*Rates of depression have risen in recent decades, at the same time that people are enjoying time-saving conveniences such as microwave ovens, e-mail, prepared meals, and machines for washing clothes and moving lawns.

* People of earlier generations, whose lives were characterized by greater efforts just to survive, paradoxically, were mentally healthier. (Our) human ancestors also evolved in conditions where hard physical work was necessary to thrive.

* By denying our brains the rewards that come from anticipating and executing complex tasks with our hands…we undercut our mental well being. (Scientific American Mind ).

Evidently, we’d feel a deep sense of satisfaction when true physical and mental effort produces something tangible. The newer generations have tried very hard to create atmospheres and situations that are comfortable and rewarding.

Much of that mindset has produced individuals who “want what they want, when they want it”. Losing weight should be instant, therefore we want our food in boxes or cans that are so-called easy weight loss plans. Finding a mate has boiled down to five minute lunch dates. You sit with someone for a few minutes and are supposed to gauge whether they might fit your criteria. Children are supposed to be rewarded for just showing up at a sports activity, even if they haven’t any skills.

Sadly it is creating a society that will not have a lot of resiliency which comes essentially from hard work and having to put up with situations you’re not in the mood for.

Studies in longevity consistently point out that those who reach one hundred have been through hard times, and were able to adapt to those situations.

Maybe the real success in staying well mentally and physically is in discovering that the mind and body like effort. Perhaps that’s what makes us thrive and survive!

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

I was both amused and saddened by the incident on board JetBlue that propelled Steven Slater a flight attendant for over twenty years to blow his cool. His decision to respond to a passenger’s rudeness will likely cost him his job and perhaps a prison sentence.

A huge portion of the population felt a sense of satisfaction that at last someone had the nerve to say what so many stuff every day. I fly a lot and I have witnessed a lot of situations that have left me in a state of disbelief.

Flying used to be something you felt was special and you even dressed for the occasion. People often had their Sunday best on and behaved as if they were visiting their old maiden aunt. Over the years I have seen clothing on individuals that looked as if that had just rolled out of bed. Disheveled doesn’t even cut it.

Food is brought on board now and many don’t care if their pizza carton spills over onto your lap, or that you really don’t want to hear them chewing and talking on their cell phone at the same time.

Some people spend time trying to shove an over loaded suitcase into a bin meant to handle a gerbil’s luggage. It doesn’t matter to them that there are twenty or so people behind them waiting to get on. The world has become filled with entitled, self absorbed individuals whose primary goal in life is to get what they need at the expense of the rest of us.

I have watched as individuals walk into elevators as I’m trying to get out with no thought that they should wait. Their eyes are glazed over and their ear is glued to a phone as they blah, blah, blah!

One has only to read the newspaper daily to see the results of how our lack of civility has begun to unravel our society. We are less patient, more aggressive and violence is more prevalent. I don’t ever remember reading about a disgruntled employee killing several of their co-workers when I was growing up. It seems par for the course over the last several years.

Does this mean we’re all going to hell in a hand basket? No, because there are many kind, considerate, patient people who role model civility every day. However, we might want to view Slater’s dilemma as one that we should all begin to respond to by being more vigilant every day about how we communicate and react. Our presence in the world can make a positive or negative impact..you choose.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

I travel a lot and because of that, I’m often at the mercy of using public restrooms. It used to be easy. The toilet paper was on a wooden spindle and it was easy to get what you needed. The sinks had faucets that turned on and off, and the paper towel dispenser was pretty simple.

Well, those days are gone forever as technology marches on even into bathrooms. I know part of the changes are based on creating less waste, but I think it has also created high levels of frustration.

Some efficiency master mind decided how long most people take to empty their bladders and as a result the toilet flushes whether you’re done or not. There have been times when flushing has occurred five or ten times in 30 second intervals making me feel as if I’m visiting Niagara Falls.

Once you’ve established yourself, try getting the toilet paper. If you can manage to grab a piece from the new Ferris wheel like gadget, you’ll be lucky if you can get more than a couple of pieces, and you may also get your hand stuck and have to have it extracted by the jaws of life.

If they’re looking to save money why don’t they take more time figuring out that we are all not in a race to just “come and go”.

Washing your hands is like playing a game you can never win. I recently spent at least five minutes trying to get the water to turn on. The woman next to me shared that I had to make sure my hand passed over the sensor under the faucet, otherwise it would not turn on. Why has hand washing turned into a segment for Survivor?

We’ve all been warned that we need to be vigilant about the germs that linger on every surface ready and willing to invade our bodies and establish residence until we come down with whatever bug resistant illness is the disease du jour. But how can we protect ourselves if the sinks and faucets don’t cooperate.

Perhaps directions are in order. If they were printed clearly over each sink we might have a chance at survival.

But then, you also have to dry your hands, and now there are automatic dispensers that you press and voila the paper spills out. Unfortunately, the little red eye on the dispenser doesn’t always know you only need only one or two sheets. I have often watched as individuals drag their suitcases out the door with several hand towels stuck under the wheels.

Maybe what we all need to travel with are portable potties. Then we can go on our own terms.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

Being true to oneself can be very difficult, especially for women. We are by nature nurturers, and that need seems to make us feel the need to take care of everything we come in contact with, often at the expense of our health.

I find it interesting that June Cleaver seems to have returned from the dead. So many young women are repeating a history that I’ve long left behind. They work; take care of their homes; and enroll their children in sports, accelerated learning classes, music lessons, and God knows what else so that the little ones can graduate from kindergarten with high honors.

These moms drive their children to and from these numerous events in their big SUVs, while complaining how tired they are (or they spend hours on the phone deciding whose turn it is to carpool). If that’s not enough, add in going to the gym, trying to manage the home front, and being sexy if they can manage to stay awake. As a result many of today’s young women are suffering from anxiety and depression.

Gee, I can’t imagine why!

I spent years believing that no one could do anything without my direction, and whatever needed to be taken care of would be done best by me. Age has not only tempered this mindset, but also for many of my female friends who’ve realized that no one’s going to reminisce about how perfect they were.

Much of life is like a movie or a play and we become the characters with a story line we’ve memorized. It’s often difficult to change the dialogue because the rest of the players are used to you giving them their cues.

It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t want to be known for how perfect I was, because it was really an illusion. My goal now is to be remembered as a wild, zany, eccentric mother and grandmother.

No one is perfect nor should they want to be. It’s a goal that only leads to anxiety and makes the people around you wish you’d be abducted by aliens.

Life is so much more fun when you loosen up and lighten up. The ultimate irony is that when you’re flexible, you’re actually more productive, and your friends and family will feel more relaxed and comfortable.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

There’s no more permanent or certain characteristic of a vigorous mind than an unquenchable curiosity. I’m thankful that my grandparents never quelled my need to explore and seek out answers for many, many things.

Children are born with incredible inquisitiveness—-touching, smelling, and staring for long periods of time as they try to figure things out. Who hasn’t had a child or been around one who continually asks “Why?” When it’s answered, another why replaces it. The adult inevitably becomes exhausted and finally exclaims, “Because I said so”…which only creates another why. Kids are like the Energizer Bunny in all its glory—they’re a miniature FedEx. Nothing stops them!

Along the way, the desire to know may be dampened by overbearing parents or a life that has taken its toll on your spirit, but curiosity can be recaptured or enhanced by doing a variety of things. It really is about engaging and exploring.

Try a few of my suggestions: Some ideas are simply being present wherever you are, and some require a bit of effort. You choose where you’d like to begin.

*Whenever you’re in a place where you have to wait, engage others in conversation. Find out where they’re from and what they do. I love talking to people because I find out a lot about how folks live, what types of things they do, and what part of the world they’re from.

* When you take a walk, notice what’s around you—the foliage, the animals, the houses. Don’t just look, examine deeply. I love to pick up a leaf and study its construction. Take nothing for granted.

*Be available to others’ inquisitiveness, whether it’s coming from your children, grandchildren, mate or co-worker. Don’t stifle someone’s curiosity because you’ve lost yours.

Albert Einstein said it best. “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity”.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

Whenever I give a lecture or a workshop, I never fail to encourage participants to read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl. He was a psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps during World War II and who developed a form of psychotherapy called Logotherapy as a result. His book profoundly shows how individuals can survive the most horrific of situations through grace, dignity and even humor.

In the preface of the book, Gordon Allport writes: “Hunger, humiliation, fear, and deep anger at injustice are rendered tolerable by closely guarded images of beloved persons, by religion, by a grim sense of humor, and even by glimpses of the healing beauties of nature—a tree or a sunset.”

I’ve heard many accounts of how this type of humor, called “ gallows humor”, has helped many people in difficult jobs, particularly health-care professionals. Anyone overhearing some of the conversations between nurses or doctors might be deeply offended, but for them it becomes a way to get relief from the horrors they witness.

As a child, I was dragged to many an Italian funeral, which often resembled a Federico Fellini movie. There was great drama as the black-clad women wailed and moaned. Then there’d be bursts of laughter as people began to recount stories about the dearly departed. And, of course it would all end with a giant buffet.

It was then that I realized that love, laughter, and lasagna made life worthwhile. I often hear individuals talk about how little they laugh because of how complicated their lives have become.

It seems that as a culture we have forgotten that we are not simply here to get through the day as if it were a forced march. When humor is absent from our lives for an extended period of time it can lead to depression, anxiety, anger and irritability.

When we lose the ability to laugh at ourselves, we become less kind and tolerant of others behavior. Give your laughter muscles a good workout everyday so that when you really need them their buffed and ready to go.

Frankl said “that humor was the soul’s preservation”. Keep that in mind the next time you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

I was in the airport restroom yesterday attempting to wash my hands while a young child about three years old stood on the counter trying to throw a hand towel into the trash receptacle.

He kept missing, but the mother kept shouting “you can do it, you know you can”, as if she was coaching a future NBA hopeful. He finally made it , which led her to go into high gear with multiple shouts of “Good job, good job, see how special you are”!

Over the years I have heard a plethora of parents using this language. Telling children their special whenever they accomplish even the most ordinary acts has become the new metaphor for parenting.

However, it doesn’t just stop with the rhetoric. Prizes, certificates of achievement and ceremonies that are akin to the Academy Awards are also part of the process to increase feelings of being “special”.

I suspect that some parents are giving their kids a gift if they get out of bed and go to school.

When did the concept of being special become so watered down and what’s the point? I know my mother loved me but I was only considered special when I did something that was beyond what I was expected to do. And even then her praise was analogous to the act. If I washed the dishes she said thank you but she did not jump up and down or do cartwheels across the kitchen floor because that was what I was expected to do.

She did manage to be more exuberant when I graduated from college which made sense since it is a few levels beyond scouring pots and pans.

I don’t remember the good Sisters of St. Joseph going out of their way to make any of us feel special. If you studied, worked to your potential and were courteous, they gave you a pat on the back and told your parents you were a good student. If not you were relegated to icy stares that made your hair fall out.

My piano teacher occasionally told me I had potential, but she never went overboard or tried to book me into Carnegie Hall. She might have if I had extraordinary potential, but she wasn’t about to delude me into thinking I did by telling me I was “special”.

The message was clear, you had to do something pretty amazing to be nominated for a prize, like discover a new planet. Here’s the bottom line, if everyone’s “special”, is anyone really “special”?

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

The one thing I keep hearing over and over about Lady GaGa is that she’s different. Her clothing, makeup, and choice of music are helping to make her a household name. Different is something that has always been a part of what human beings seek.  

Yet what’s interesting is that much of what’s different soon becomes ordinary as others begin to imitate and clone themselves after the original. This type of behavior is certainly not new.

When I was a teenager we wore hoop skirts with crinolines. I can’t fathom why that particular trend took hold, but all of us wanted to look alike. Most of us looked like inverted lampshades, yet we were not only not aware of how we looked, we didn’t seem to care. What was most important was fitting in.

After all who wants to stand out and be noticed for being an Individual who thinks and walks to their own drummer? The answer is not many! Most of us feel more comfortable and safe fitting in and not making waves.

Believe me I’m not proposing that we should be constantly striving to be unusual, quirky, or odd, but the human spirit does need to re-invent itself periodically. Living day to day in the same old way creates a spiritual boredom that can become the death knell for our vitality and energy.

I have met a host of individuals who never seem to want to try anything new. Even their food choices are relegated to a menu that is bland and consistently familiar. After conversing with them I feel that I would rather spend time watching my faucet drip.

I would suggest you start asking family and friends if they feel you might be stuck in a time warp? Perhaps it’s time to revamp your mind/body and spirit.

I’ve always been fascinated with eccentrics. Dr. David Weeks from Edinburgh University in Scotland has found that eccentrics are healthier and live longer. The people Weeks studied went to doctors only one-sixteenth as often as other adults.

Inside all of us lurks a self that yearns to be a little outside of the box. You don’t have to go so far as to stand naked in front of your house.  Start slowly, perhaps by wearing a loud pair of underwear, or choosing cheddar cheese for your hamburger rather than American. Every time you choose to be different it stretches your brain’s capabilities. It also makes you more of a surprise, which makes life feel more like a party than a funeral procession.

Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger

Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche

Little by little we are spiraling into a place where being tacky, rude, immoral, unethical or stupid is often rewarded with a reality show, book or movie deal. TV moguls have created a genre that seems to be a bottom less pit. Nothing is prohibitive or sensitive.

In fact crude and rude seem to be in vogue. Presently you can watch New Jersey housewives which is predicated on a group of uber-entitled women, one of which recently declared bankruptcy.

It seems Theresa Giudice and husband Joes’ spending sprees have left them owing 10. 5 million dollars to creditors. However, their lawyers ability to finagle their case allows them to keep any new income they make which will then make it possible for Teresa to continue to shop till she drops.

If you want a teenage version, you have only to turn on Jersey Shores. This group takes gauche to an all time high. Snookie the young girl who seems to get the most press is now about to launch a clothing line called “ Filthy Couture”.

Now there’s something I can’t wait to buy. I wonder if the label recommends taking a bath afterwards.

Have a need to watch a couple with bad manners? Well, you just got your wish. The Salahis who crashed a White House dinner party are set to have their own show. I wonder what the premise will be? Will they simply spend their nights going to parties their not invited to, while viewers watch the shocked look on the host and hostesses faces?

If none of the above sounds enticing then I suggest you watch Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York who was caught transporting a hooker across state lines in his new CNN talk show. It seems CNN’s ratings have gone down so why not?

In fact you can not only watch Spitzer, but you can also read Ashley Dupres column in the New York Post called “Meet Market”. She was the one who bedded Spitzer and I guess her expertise is such that she gets to write once a week about sex, love, and relationships. If you’re a psychologist you might want to trade your shingle for a set of sheets.

In fact being refined, tasteful and educated is probably not going to cut it. If you want to have a realty show you’re going to have to get down in the dirt and scratch with the chickens.

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