Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge

I’m having a real problem. I have a patient who just HATES me, and this is LTC, so we’ll be together for a while. Every time I see her, something goes wrong — and she’s full of outrageous requests. She called 911 because we didn’t get her another blanket fast enough!

You should hear her: “That nurse Jenny is no good! She’s terrible!” Something’s wrong — the movie in the day room was boring? “That Jenny did it, she’s terrible!”

The other nurses are starting to call me Terrible Jenny!

I don’t want to hate this woman, but I’ve got to admit I cringe every time I see her or hear her voice. I can’t afford to leave, and she’s not going anywhere. What can I do?

Signed,

Not So Terrible Jenny

Dear Not So Terrible Jenny,

There’s nothing as horrible as feeling like we’re letting our patients down. Especially when they clearly let us know what they want. Your patient wants you to be terrible — if she didn’t, she wouldn’t keep saying it! — and yet you don’t have it in you to be truly wretched to her.

That creates internal conflict, I know. Counseling, exercise, and a healthy spiritual practice helps. So do Mojitos, but don’t drink them at work, you’ll get in trouble.

Own your terrible-ness, even if you don’t have a lot of it. When you see her in the morning, say, “Good Morning! I’m Jenny, your terrible nurse for the day! What would you like me to screw up for you?” Emphasize how happy you would be just to wreck her day, so she could at long last be happy, being miserable.

Be aware that this can help your patient achieve clarity about what kind of treatment they prefer.

Of course, not every nurse prefers such invasive intraventions, and we have to respect that. If this is true for you, I’d go with option B, which is changing your name tag. (Or your name, but that’s rather a hassle.) Your patient never looks at your nametag: once they know a name, it’s STUCK in there like an adhesive foley. But visitors read name tags, as do some administrators (which is another part of the beauty of this plan) If she’s complaining about Jenny, and your name tag says Marianne, you’re off the hook!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Try to eliminate unnecessary tasks from your week, Pisces.  Some things, you just don’t need to bother with.  If you have trouble figuring this out, consult with the teenaged boy who comes to the ER having ’sampled’ Dad’s Viagra…

Aries

Learning to ‘let it go’ is good.  Practicing ‘letting it go’ while moving the patient…not so good!

Taurus

If all your colleagues are under 5′, are you short staffed? This week will give you an opportunity to ponder what words REALLY mean.

Gemini

Optimistic Gemini is sure that being a floating nurse involves a lovely pool in the Caribbean.  Maintain your boundaries fiercely and don’t let anyone disillusion you about this: trust us, you won’t like what THEY think it means.

Cancer

You’ve got a drug book in your pocket, and your colleague has Twilight in hers. We recommend therapeutic application of the forehead to the nearest flat surface. We’ll let you decide exactly who’s forehead is used.

Leo

When the patient wants to be transferred to the Acute floor because ‘they have better looking nurses there, duh!’ remember that it’s not technically OK to adjust his physical condition to make the transfer appropriate. This will be difficult for Leo, who can generally resist anything EXCEPT temptation.

Virgo

Instead of putting tracking devices on nurses, Virgo, what would happen if they went on people who are really hard to find: say that doctor who NEVER answers his pages, the mysterious disappearing sitter, or your patient who is determined to go walkabout?

Libra

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints, Libra! Tell your colleagues you’ve lost your teeth and you’ll be right here waiting for housekeeping to return them — and THEN you’ll be ready to leap right back into all of the action. With any luck, it’ll be a week or two before anyone realizes you don’t actually wear false teeth…

Scorpio

The Dali Lama said it best: Compassion is the radicalism of our time. Everyone is capable of compassion, and yet everyone tends to avoid it because it’s uncomfortable. Scorpio, who is more than down with uncomfortable, spends much of this week exploring compassion.

Sagittarius

When you get the patient who rages that “I pay your salary!” try pointing out that you’re really overdue for a raise and a benefits review. It won’t work, of course, but the look on their face is enough to make it worth it…especially as financial concerns loom large on the horizon.

Capricorn

If there’s such a nursing shortage, why are you surrounded with annoying colleagues? Maybe you could ship them somewhere where they’re NEEDED! Mind you, getting them in that Fedex box will be challenging. Not impossible, but challenging.

Aquarius

Every nurse goes through the phase of self-diagnosis, sure they’ve contracted something horrible from their patients. But Aquarius, it really, really, really helps if you remember gender precludes you from some conditions! Don’t stress EVERYTHING :-)

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

You’ll find yourself needing some alone time this week, Pisces. Let your colleagues help you achieve solitude by throwing a handful of retractable fine point sharpies down the hall, away from the nursing station.

Aries

Recent news has many nurses watching the weather forecast with anxious eyes. Creative Aries doesn’t stress: why worry when you can commandeer the administration’s office and turn it into emergency housing/party pit/hot tub?

Taurus

Frustrations about for Taurus this week, especially centered around the ‘customer service’ model of health care. It makes it tough when we just can’t return defective units to the manufacturer for a replacement!

Gemini

No interest you will ever have, no passion, no ambition, will ever match your LOL’s fascination with her bowels. Imagine all that determination applied to solving the world’s problems!

Cancer

This week brings the return of Mrs. Grouchalot, the patient who knows you can’t do anything right. And guess what? While she was away, her daughter married the DON’s son!

Leo

Social Leo feels the need to isolate this week, at least until JCAHO goes home. Try tying a bell on an inspector, and keep moving away from the ringing.

Virgo

If your peds patient’s parent tells you their child has a temp of 350 because they ‘felt as hot as the oven’ under no circumstances eat the baked goods they bring to the nurses’ station as a thank you.

Libra

There is no I in TEAM, Libra. You know what that means? It’s okay to let someone else volunteer to head the committee.

Scorpio

The beginning of the week is going to be particularly rough — for you and those around you. (Might not want to tell your patients that!) Be proactive and fight off the bad mood. You influence more people than you know. One smile can transform multiple days! Surprising influences crop up on the 5th, perhaps from a visitor or patient’s family member.

Sagittarius

You’ve got it going on! Nothing is going to phase the Sagittarian nurse this week. Projectile vomiting? No big deal Three codes in thirty seconds? You can handle it — you’re SuperNurse! Just be advised: there aren’t a whole lot of phone booths anymore. You’ll want to be more discerning about where you choose to change into your tights and cape.

Capricorn

Thinking of abandoning the hustle and bustle of the ER for the relative calm of psychiatric nursing? Looking for greener pastures in geriatrics? This is a positive time for change, Capricorn — if you want to make a move in your personal or professional life, the 3rd is a great time to start!

Aquarius

They tell you to trust your gut — and here you are with IBS! Don’t let doubt get in your way, particularly when it comes to making difficult decisions. You’ve got wisdom, insight, and intuition: use this week to practice trusting your judgment. This is particularly true on Friday, when you may be needed to make a difficult call.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Nurse Marge Discovers The Problem With The Internet

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’ve just discovered I’m pregnant.  Now, I’ve been a nurse for a while, and I’ve seen how the other nurses treat pregnant colleagues — it’s all nice up front, but  nasty nasty behind the back.  I don’t want that — so I’ve kept it quiet.  But I won’t be able to keep it quiet for long.  What’s the best way to stop my co workers from treating me any differently than they have up until now?
Signed,

Stressed in Spokane

Dear Stressed,

To really believe that your fellow nurses will treat you differently if you’re pregnant means you must believe they’re not talking behind your back now.  Come on.  You know these people.

Leopards don’t change their spots, but they will generally shell out for a nice romper, some onsies, or even a Diaper Genie if you play your cards right.  Assume that they’re going to be annoyed and irritable — that’s their nature, and you’ll only stress yourself out trying to change it.  Meanwhile, enjoy the daylights out of being pregnant.

Can’t go in the isolation room?  Don’t go in — JOYOUSLY!

Too far along to turn the 500 pound patient who insists on groping every woman within reach?  Shucks! Make sure to cheer supportively from the sidelines.

Have to vomit suddenly, despite the fact Dr. Annoying Face is right there?  Make sure you get a picture afterward for the baby book!

Some times in your life are special, and you shouldn’t let the actions of the people around you dictate your enjoyment of them.  Don’t worry about cranky faces and nasty attitudes — as soon as you’re not pregnant, they’ll have something else to be cranky and nasty about.  That’s the nature of the beast.  You go have fun.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll serve as an example that others will emulate.

By the time you’re back from maternity leave, they’ll be so happy to see you (and share the workload!) that they’ll even smile at all your new Mommy stories.

For a while.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Asking “What were you doing to that dog before he bit you?” may not be part of the standard rabies control protocol, Pisces, but this week, you might understand why it should be.  Congratulations on another successful week saving humanity from itself.

Aries

If the patient calls to see if the ER is ‘too busy’ before they come in with their emergency, the only possible answer is “Oh  my God a bus just crashed through the front door hold on!”  Or so I’m told.  You would never do such a thing, would you, Aries?

Taurus

There are questions in this world you don’t want the answers to, Taurus.  Like why someone would want the foreign object retrieved from an uncomfortable location back — they didn’t want it when they had it!  But if you get an answer to that mystery, let us know.

Gemini

If a patient has a vowel obstruction, does that mean they can’t say A, E, I, O, or U?

Cancer

Weighty issues have been on your mind, Cancer.  Whether it’s your own personal quest for fitness or your own personal quest for a patient-turning strategy that works on people who weigh more than your car, you’ve been doing some heavy thinking.  Stop it and go for a walk.

Leo

Taking histories is a special delight for you this week, Leo, as you learn that your patient has no previous history of suicide.

Virgo

Word play delights you, and you spend much of a shift musing aloud if something that’s been bothering someone for six years can truly be deemed an emergency.

Libra

If you remove the pizza the NPO patient had delivered from his room, is it REALLY wrong to swipe a piece,or REALLY REALLY wrong? Does it matter if it’s double pepperoni with extra cheese? This week will be full of moral quandries, Libra, try to stay strong.

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

This week, you have a chance to introduce a patient to that radical new health care innovation: SOAP!  Future generations will have to see if the trend toward cleanliness is anything more than a fad, but the roommate is pretty happy with you.

Capricorn

A surprise encounter will have you rethinking your entire career path.  Be careful on Wednesday.

Aquarius

Feelings of sorrow and regret plague the beginning of the week, but give way to the wonder of realizing you really do make a difference midweek.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Make life easy for yourself and your fellow nurses: use camouflage bandages on combative patients! It’s logical and effective!

Pisces

Your inventive spirit is admirable, Pisces, but we’re not sure it’s a great idea to base your idea for a new g-tube unclogger on a bug zapper!

Aries

Laughter is the best medicine — quick, hold that square needled syringe up to the patient’s TV and see if you can’t capture some of that Comedy Central special. Maybe that’ll help adjust that attitude of theirs!

Taurus

Do nurses who eat their young get indigestion?

Gemini

Rumors from the unit grapevine have you nervous: remember to consider the source! Still uncertain? Try this: in confidence, share a totally fraudulent piece of info with the biggest gossip on the unit. See how long it takes to come back to you — and how different it appears this time around. Still worried?

Cancer

The patient who has all of these nurses and doctors and medical gurus in their family for the entire duration of their stay on the unit turns out to be the exact same person who has no one to help them at home. Don’t let the shock knock you over!

Leo

Just for fun, record the ‘night sounds’ on your unit and see if you can get the crew from MonsterQuest to believe you’ve got a Yeti in your backyard. Wouldn’t watching their analysts trying to discern the source of ‘those unearthly sounds’ be great?

Virgo

Technically, you can’t tell people you’re a gastroenterologist based upon the character of the people you work with. Something to remember while pondering updating your resume!

Libra

When you start the “how long until the shift is over” countdown at 11 hours, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, it might not be the best day ever. Try holding off on the countdown until after lunch break and see if that changes your workday!

Scorpio

Why is it, Scorpio, that the better it feels to say something, the more likely it becomes that it was the totally wrong thing to say? This week will give you many opportunities to ponder this.

Sagittarius

If a student nurse hits another student nurse with her Fundamentals book, it that a textbook concussion?

Capricorn

A lovely trip down memory lane will let you recall those long ago days when you had a gag reflex.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I saw you were talking about some of the pros and cons of being married to a nurse, and I had to share this little tidbit. You see, my husband of 25 years is nurse, and he’s getting to that age where really he doesn’t like to do anything he doesn’t want to. I was working back to back doubles one weekend, and when I left for work, he was seated in his recliner, in front of the TV, remote in hand, some chips and soda strategically nearby.

When I returned after this very long, very taxing shift — HE WAS STILL THERE! Hadn’t moved — despite the fact that it had been raining like crazy, the back door was open, there was a puddle inside the house you would have needed a sailboat to cross, and there was a note on the front door that FedEx had tried to deliver a package but no one was home.

So being the calm, reasonable nurse that I am, I asked him what was up, and how he’d spent the last, oh twenty hours or so.

To which he replied “Comfort measures only!” and toasted me with his soda.

That’s what you’re in for, you know, when you marry a nurse. I do recommend a NERF gun for moments like these; it conveys the sentiment without doing lasting damage.

Signed,

Not a Newlywed Nurse

Dear Not A Newlywed,

Did you see the new Nerf six-shooters? One on each hip — it gives you a dozen shots at a go!

Water guns aren’t bad either — and you already have all that ‘ammo’ inside your back door!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

It’s sharing season, apparently, as one flu bug after another goes around work. Try wearing a mask at all times and washing your hands 37,000 times a day…unless they let you put your colleagues in isolation!

Pisces

Remember to keep a sense of proportion this week, Pisces! A simple debate — should nurses chew gum on the job or not? — has the potential to elevate your blood pressure to atmospheric levels! Learn to let irritations go; otherwise they’ll just stick around (and get in your hair and under your shoe…)

Aries

Denial…it’s not just a river in Egypt! But for all the luck you’ll have explaining that to the person in question, you might as well book a flight and take them there so you can demonstrate the difference!

Taurus

It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience.

Gemini

Isn’t it ironic how detox patients can drive one to drink?

Cancer

Appearances are deceiving, which is a fairly distressing piece of knowledge to have if you’re working Triage.

Leo

When people tell you never to surrender your power, Leo, they don’t actually mean you have absolute control of the remote control! Just a little tid bit you might want to take home with you!

Virgo

Calling in an emergency response team for biohazard containment might be a bit of an overreaction to the state of the Nurse’s station. Just saying…

Libra

Warning the patient that they’re about to feel a little prick turns into the most awkward misunderstanding you’ve ever had. Clarity is at a premium this week!

Scorpio

This week you’ll wonder why they just don’t make scrubs the distinctive color of feeding tube contents. That way you’ll never have to worry about stains!

Sagittarius

As your empty IV bag turns out to not be so empty and you take a saline shower, just think, if this was happening in a remote European spa, you’d pay top dollar for this experience…but instead, you’re getting paid (and soggy!)

Capricorn

Credibility is an issue for you this week, as patients fail to believe that the doctor doesn’t actually let you know when they’ll be coming by or that their 3,700 requests for additional pain medication have been forwarded along. Perhaps it would work better if you used sign language or interpretive dance to convey the information!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Nurse Marge on The New Staff Recruitment Package

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