Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

Renewed confidence and energy marks the return of Virgo’s favorite season. Make the most of it by finishing up jobs too long left undone. Eliminating this subtle stress will do wonders for your spirit — at least until you discover the pile of messages you were supposed to answer right away — three weeks ago! Free yourself from guilt and toss them all: If it was important, they’ve already called back.

Libra

If everyone would do what they were supposed to do when they were supposed to do it, Libra would have no problems this week. Likewise, if people didn’t consider Spike TV to be both educational and inspirational, there wouldn’t be an emergency room!

Scorpio

Curiosity killed the cat, Scorpio, and its not doing your psyche a whole lot of favors this week, either. Don’t ask any questions unless you’re absolutely sure you want the answer. Remember this if you find yourself contemplating asking: “And do you poop on the floor at home?”

Sagittarius

Small things delight Sagittarius this week: the call bell that doesn’t ring, nice fat veins, a vending machine fully stocked with dark chocolate and red wine…Expect some day dreaming to sneak in there too!

Capricorn

Relentlessly optimistic in the face of all reality, Capricorn focuses on the positive exclusively all week. While your patients love it, your colleagues may be less enthused. Proceed with caution – cheery caution!

Aquarius

Even if you can get the doc to write a scrip for it, no pharmacy will be able to provide exactly what your patient needs to get better– they just don’t dispense common sense and personally responsibility!

Pisces

Coffee ground emesis, guacamole green projectile vomit and a code brown the exact shade of Grandma’s Favorite Fudge put Pisces right off her feed this week. Make sure to eat *something* or by Thursday, you’ll have a raging appetite for destruction!

Aries

Don’t be so quick to think the worst of others, Aries! Surely there’s a legitimate reason that visitor is headed to the elevator with a wheelchair full of blankets, three boxes of gloves, and the unit’s coffeemaker!

Taurus

They say size doesn’t matter, Taurus, but that’s before they tried to turn a 450 lb patient alone! Don’t be afraid to ask for help this week — you’ll need it!

Gemini

Don’t believe everything you read, Gemini. Especially this! Feelings of being too gullible and naive pass by the end of this week. Really!

Cancer

If a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Cancer, why can’t we come up with a more poetic name for a GI Bleed? Let those frustrated creative tendencies run wild this week.

Leo

Trust your instincts, Leo! Your finely tuned nursing instincts will serve you well this week — you’ll know EXACTLY which family members to avoid before they say a single word!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

If nurses eat their young, Leo, how come they never stock nurses in the vending machine? This is your week to counter negativity in the workplace. Serious silliness may be in order.

Virgo

Although it’s tempting to tell Call-Button Cathy that permanent pain relief is, in fact, possible, let it go. Nothing good will come out of it, and she’ll resent the time it took her to figure it out.

Libra

99% of patient visitors give the rest a bad name. Try keeping a sense of perspective this week, Libra!

Scorpio

It seems like no one is listening to what you say, Scorpio — but just try making one mistake! Your audience is larger than you ever imagined.

Sagittarius

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the patient’s ability to reach it. This week, you have patients with extremely short arms: they can’t reach their itches, their butts, their pillows — anything except the call light button! Smart nurses will quickly figure out the appropriate intervention here: move the call light out of reach!

Capricorn

Scheduling stress starts early in the week: if only we could get time in a bottle to be used PRN! Lacking that, some really good blackmail pics of your NM might help you get that much-needed time off AND keep your position secure.

Aquarius

Clear communication with a colleague might smooth out a troubling situation — but is it worth the stress and tension it’ll take to start the conversation? Flip a coin: heads means yes, tails means probably.

Pisces

Confidence is a function of experience — just hang in there a little longer and you’ll start feeling better about what’s making you anxious. Don’t beat yourself up by feeling like you *should* know everything — you can be a nurse for 20 years and still have a bad shift!

Aries

Problems on the unit? Recommend a solution that requires more paperwork, more labor, and more stress — it might not actually solve the problem, but you’ll be picked out as a shining star by management and moved into administration, where those unit problems? Are no longer yours. Normally optimistic Aries is feeling down this week, but it will pass by Thursday.

Taurus

The grass may be greener somewhere else, Taurus — but that may be because that’s where the septic tank is! You’re making choices this week: make sure you do your due diligence first and investigate what the situation really is before you make any moves.

Gemini

This will be a week full of learning experiences. We’re sorry. Under no circumstances, say the “Q” word this week.

Cancer

Escapism is a perfectly valid way to deal with stress and overwhelm…try going wherever it is the doctors and residents go when they don’t answer THEIR phones & pages!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Shouldn’t there be a RR for nurses? Somewhere lovely, after the shift’s done, where cell phones don’t work, and people who enter asking you anything besides “Is that enough chocolate or would you like more?” spontaneously combust?  Cancer’s inquisitive nature and a busy week has you searching for this wonderful place — let us know if you find it!

Leo

Knowing that all bleeding stops…eventually…and that ignoring a problem can, in fact, make it go away rather permanently is part of being a nurse.  It doesn’t however apply to interpersonal relationships with colleagues, friends, and random people you know! Speak up and take care of yourself NOW!

Virgo

When the obnoxious caller rings for the third time in two hours demanding to know how Mom is doing, tell them — substituting information about your own Mother.  This is a great solution, unless, of course, your Mother has passed away.  Use your judgment, people!

Libra

The good news, Libra, is that management has your back.  The bad news is that they’re considering it as the next sharps storage unit! Document, document, document.

Scorpio

It’s well known that a very fine line separates “Hobby” from “Mental Illness” — but this week, you’re not worried about that line — you’re dazzled by what your patients do for recreation!

Sagittarius

Did you hear about the butcher down in the ER? Backed right up into the meat grinder. Not only is he in really rough shape, but he’s behind at work!

Capricorn

Capricorn fears when security is called to pediatrics. Nerves settle down when it is revealed all the trouble was simply a three year old resisting a rest.

Aquarius

What happens to GI specialists when they die? Generally, we barium. May the winds of change be a source of delight to you this week, Aquarius!

Pisces

The simplest explanation is often the best one, which is good to keep in mind when taking patient histories! It’s amazing how often and awkwardly people will fall, particularly in states of undress…

Aries

What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside! Aries, don’t get caught up in details to such a degree that you miss the big picture!

Taurus

If a patient’s refused medication, do the pills go to whoever calls dibs on them first? This can be an interesting discussion — particularly if the right ‘concerned visitors’ are around!

Gemini

Patients convinced of your superior nursing skills want you to diagnose what’s wrong with them based on the stool sample they conveniently brought from home, in the underpants they happened to be wearing. Tell them you only read tea leaves and tarot cards – anything else requires the MD’s personal attention!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Creative Cancer combines the attending doctor’s phone with a dog shock collar — if the call’s not returned in 5 minutes, ZAP! Okay, not really…but the idea’s worth raising at your next “Patient Satisfaction” meeting.

Leo

Let sleeping dogs lie, Leo – and if your pain level 14+ patient is snoring through the worst of it, well, perhaps that’s a sign.

Virgo

Make a student nurse’s day: explain why you don’t give the sleeping pill and laxative at the same time BEFORE they do so.

Libra

Isn’t it telling that doctors call what they do ‘practice’? Normally tactful Libra has a hard time holding their tongue this week, but remember: discretion is the better part of continued employment!

Scorpio

Make dietary’s day this week: call them to confirm that vegetarians can in fact eat animal crackers.

Sagittarius

Your future depends on your dreams, Sagittarius! You know what that means: naptime!

Capricorn

The family that sticks together should bathe more often! Capricorn has a challenging week, unless of course your sense of smell and gag reflex have already been removed.

Aquarius

Knock, knock, knock. Document, document, document. If someone tells you something three times, it’s clearly very important! So don’t forget, Aquarius, to knock on the door. Otherwise you’ll get an eyeful you’re just not ready for — and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been a nurse!

Pisces

Requesting a consult for an exorcist may be justified, Pisces, but remember it won’t be a popular decision. Besides, you know they don’t take the patient’s insurance.

Aries

Forget the Barefoot Bandit: you want law enforcement to capture whoever’s been stealing all of the blankets from your unit. Somewhere, someone has a building crammed full of industrial bedding…and they strike ONLY when you need just one more pillow for the crankiest patient EVER!

Taurus

Your paranoia is absolutely no guarantee that they’re not out to get you, Taurus. Conspiracy theories are addictive: watch out that you don’t become a drama-seeker!

Gemini

Coastline nurses know sharks won’t attack lawyers: it’s professional courtesy!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

This week you’ll get to make a parent’s day when you assure them that their child is not suffering from an esoteric mental disorder – they’re simply imitating Lady Gaga.

Leo

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Leo, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Virgo

Delegation is the key to stress relief: give your most demanding patients away as quickly as possible. Trust your colleagues and abandon the idea that you’re the only one who can satisfy Ms. I’ve Been A Nurse For Forty Years – she’s really not all that pleased with your performance either. Hate to burst your bubble but you might as well give yourself a break.

Libra

Cat scratch fever and the boogie woogie flu are perfectly adequate reasons to call in sick! Contain contagion vectors, ensure public health, and get a great tan all at the same time!

Scorpio

A lack of clear communication plagues Scorpio this week. Your colleagues may not be delivering report in Swahili – but it sure seems like it! Have patience and achieve clarity after Tuesday.

Sagittarius

Don’t keep your mind so open that your brain falls out, Sagittarius! Adding an element of skepticism to your therapeutic approach may be unpleasant – but it’ll reduce the number of frequent flyers pulling into your particular airport!

Capricorn

Visitors confuse your unit with a movie set and start filming everything on their smart phone: your cameo appearance may mean HIPPAA compliance – but it’s guaranteed YouTube fame as Psycho Nurse. Make sure to smile pretty!

Aquarius

Temperatures are rising, tempers are flaring but Aquarius is the master of keeping cool. This does require breaking out the ice bath – and submerging Dr. Annoying for three to five seconds at a time!

Pisces

Don’t let a week of low census and amicable patients lull you into a false sense of confidence: the minute you agree to work a double, total chaos will ensue. In other news, under no circumstances utter the words, “Boy, it’s quiet around here” before Friday!

Aries

Every cloud has a silver lining. So does every bedpan, but that doesn’t mean you have to search it out! Ever optimistic Aries needs to control the tendency to look on the sunny side this week.

Taurus

Money concerns plague Taurus this week. Create a new diet sensation by filming feeding tube insertions. Guaranteed to kill your appetite every time – simply watch before every mealtime and watch the pounds melt away – along with your financial difficulties!

Gemini

Money concerns plague Taurus this week. Create a new diet sensation by filming feeding tube insertions. Guaranteed to kill your appetite every time – simply watch before every mealtime and watch the pounds melt away – along with your financial difficulties!
Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Clear communication is highly valued by time-strapped Gemini this week. The only trick is finding the current administration-approved method of saying, “What in the world do you think you’re doing?” Good luck with your quest!

Cancer

The visitor who insists that they’re an OR nurse and more than capable of assisting with wound care hits the floor hard after getting a glimpse under the bandage. Cynical Cancer will not find this surprising.

Leo

The heat is on, Leo! Summertime brings out the best in you…and the more creative, innovative injuries, illnesses, and attempts at self medication among your patients. Enjoy exploring what you’d never thought possible this week, except for Monday, which will be distressingly normal.

Virgo

This week will have you pondering the feasibility of developing a debilitating allergy to NG tubes as a cause for workman’s comp…the worst of what’s inspiring this will pass after Wednesday.

Libra

Nurses need to listen to their bodies, Libra! When your body tells you that it’s time to head to the beach with a pile of trashy novels and a cooler full of iced beverages, grab those sunglasses, get the sunscreen and go…who cares that you’re scheduled for another 13 hours? A week of wishful thinking goes by faster if you give yourself even a few minutes of R&R here and there — you need the break!

Scorpio

Never judge a book by its cover, Scorpio — although you might be forgiven a little skepticism when the book your patient is carrying is “101 Ways To Make Big $ Selling Hospital Supplies on eBay!”

Sagittarius

The loftier the sentiment expressed in the patient’s tattoo, the greater the likelihood of visitor-induced drama. Words to live by this week, Sagittarius!

Capricorn

Working with a nurse determined to ‘eat their young’ and find yourself on the menu? Try drenching yourself with hot sauce prior to your shift. You shouldn’t be the only one on the unit with heartburn!

Aquarius

Dreams do come true, Aquarius. Particularly that recurring dream you have about falling asleep in the waiting room and being woken up by an irate manager wearing a chicken suit. Well, maybe not the chicken suit part — but it might be a good idea to catch up on your rest!

Pisces

Your 350 pound patient sitter just sat on a frail LOL – so much for extra help making work easier! Take care to completely articulate expectations whenever possible this week.

Aries

Why is it people who have such flawed judgment and bad decision making skills spend so much time worrying about what you do, Aries? A frustrating week could be in store unless you head it off at the pass. Humor helps. Taking a week’s vacation helps more.

Taurus

The four food groups are NOT Doritos, M&M’s, Coffee and Cold Pizza. Nutrition counts, Taurus: you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you take care of others. Also you’ll feel better when you eat better! Low energy levels can be restored, particularly after a mid-week commitment to self-care.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Medical expertise confronts you at every turn, leaving Gemini wondering why so many health and wellness experts need to see the doctor so often!

Cancer

Redundancy rules this week. Teenage boys sampling Dad’s Viagra provide the proof that you can have too much of a good thing. Excitement subsides after Thursday, or really, as soon as you can put some ice on that.

Leo

A lavender, gem-studded stethoscope may not be your style, Leo — but it won’t ‘wander off’ with such regularity, either!

Virgo

The teenage patient who can text 3,500 words a minute with a broken arm needs help wiping herself. Strangely, there’s no app for that!

Libra

That nice person you met on a rare night out clubbing seems strangely familiar – and then you remember wrestling them into restraints after an ETOH on board really bad day. So much for your social life, Libra!

Scorpio

Sleepy Scorpio has low energy this week — and having a patient wander off does provide such a comfy bed…

Sagittarius

L&D Sagittarians need to be kind and NOT let new parents know that delivering the baby is actually the easiest part of parenting.

Capricorn

Boy, you can always tell when a 1,000 Ways to Die marathon has aired, can’t you?

Aquarius

This week, you will see a surgeon apologize. Resist the temptation to build a shrine at the spot to commemorate the event — no one will believe you anyway!

Pisces

Proud Pisces keeps calm while others melt down. Your sudden allergic reaction to drama will serve you well this week.

Aries

Your creativity is pushed to the limit this week, Aries. Can you make emergency formal wear out of chux, tape, and a box of extra small gloves?

Taurus

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Taurus, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Why is it that silence is golden for everyone else — but for you, absolute quiet is a sure sign of disaster? Luckily, chaos prevails through Thursday.

Cancer

Being knocked on the noggin with a lamp leaves your patient feeling lightheaded. Good luck charting that without cracking a grin!

Leo

Can one be simultaneously snoring and experiencing level 12 pain? Anything is possible, Leo, especially on Tuesday!

Virgo

Your tendency to ’squirrel away’ extra supplies against inevitable shortage serves you well, Virgo, until your colleagues discover your ’secret stash’ and start talking about calling the camera crew from Hoarders…

Libra

Despite what this week leads you to believe, terminal stupidity is not contagious!

Scorpio

Just remember that when a report sounds too good to be true, it means you’ve got a frequent flier with wandering tendencies and a spouse who thinks they are the patient and deserves all your time and attention.

Sagittarius

Surprising talents displayed by your patients inspire and amuse…except when they terrify and confuse…

Capricorn

Stormy weather dominates your stars, Capricorn, but its unclear if it’s meteorology or metaphor you’re facing. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to keep an umbrella handy.

Aquarius

Sometimes that gut instinct is your mad nursing skills and insight, Aquarius, and sometimes, it’s just food poisoning.

Pisces

Ogling a stranger’s veins may be tacky, but isn’t it easier with summer fashions, Pisces? Rejoice in the little things. They are the source of happiness!

Aries

The only certain way to achieve change, Aries, is to swallow a handful of quarters and wait. Patience is required!

Taurus

It is sometimes difficult to discern the difference between therapeutic touch and a much needed thwap upside the head, isn’t it, Taurus? This week you’ll find some nursing intraventions more tempting than others.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Communicative Gemini finds frustration in every direction this week: patients, colleagues and friends and family all seem out of sorts and unable to comply with simple requests. Fear not, they’ll be back on track by Friday!

Cancer

Trust your gut always — but especially BEFORE you try that soup from the cafeteria!

Leo

Summer loving Leo longs for ‘rollover minutes’ for nursing…come in early enough on Monday and it won’t matter if you’re late on Friday! Go ahead and make this happen and we’ll all applaud you!

Virgo

For the ultimate in infection control, stay home! It’s advice scrupulous Virgo is tempted to take themselves, not just offer up to persistent visitors…but it’s hard to be a working nurse and not get too close to sick people.

Libra

Technically, failure to take the patient’s Ativan yourself isn’t a med error. No need to document.

Scorpio

Not normally known for the warm and fuzzy advice, this week Scorpio provides critical emotional support to a colleague in need. You might not know what a difference you’re making, but you’re making a difference!

Sagittarius

If you have two men standing in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range! Laugh often this week, Sagittarius — even when it’s silly! You need the smiles!

Capricorn

If the cereal’s in the refrigerator, where’s the milk? Perhaps a little time recharging the batteries and getting some sleep is in order!

Aquarius

Sensitive Aquarius is buoyed up by unexpected compliments this week: try spreading the joy and giving those around you some props!

Pisces

If four out of five patients are suffering from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

Aries

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. And all this time you thought it was medicine!

Taurus

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Relax, Taurus. There’s no sense sweating the big stuff, either.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Faced with choices on how to handle a difficult co-worker, you discover that conventional wisdom is to ‘kill them with kindness’.  Please bear in mind that killing someone with kindness does NOT mean inflicting blunt trauma with stuffed animals…even if the stuffed animal is wearing scrubs and a tiny stethoscope!

Cancer

Realizing the scope of your responsibility as a nurse can be overwhelming — but take a step back and make sure you’re not taking responsibility for things that are completely beyond your control!

Leo

Remember that you can learn from everyone — and sometimes what they’re teaching is that ignorance is bliss!

Virgo

Don’t keep your mind so open that your intelligence falls out!  This week will present you with opportunities to change how you view nursing — and how nursing views you.  This is either exciting or terrifying.  Good luck!

Libra

Courage and fortitude aren’t just for heroes, Libra — or maybe they are, and you’re more heroic than you’re giving yourself credit for.  Bear in mind that victory is  measured in small steps, such as those that take you from the parking lot into work!  Hang in there — you can do it!

Scorpio

Want to lose 25 pounds in a hurry? Try emptying your pockets, Scorpio!  You seem to be experiencing pockets/glove compartment/storage facility confusion again!

Sagittarius

If only Home Care meant going to care for Homes…

Capricorn

The grass is always greener across the fence; the patients always nicer on another shift, the workload always less in another facility, the surgeon always less psychotic…well, no.  They’re pretty much the same everywhere, but you knew that, didn’t you, Capricorn? Delight in the here and now, and let daydreaming dwell on more pleasant things than work!

Aquarius

Spiritual discoveries delight sensitive Aquarius, especially discovering that your cell phone is missing, meaning there’s not a ghost of a chance you’ll be called in!

Pisces

Celebrate the positives this week, Pisces: you have a great opportunity to cheer up some colleagues who really need it and in the process will make yourself feel better!

Aries

Giving report can be the most challenging part of the day: try jazzing it up by adopting the mannerisms of your favorite journalist! What if you were Anderson Cooper? Jane Valez? Bill O’Reilly? Really old school? Pretend you’re Edgar R. Murrow!

Taurus

You are always teaching: remember that student nurses are watching, whether you know it or not. The next generation of caregivers has YOU for an example. So make sure they learn how to hide in the bathroom or dodge NM phone calls from the best!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

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