Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Try to eliminate unnecessary tasks from your week, Pisces.  Some things, you just don’t need to bother with.  If you have trouble figuring this out, consult with the teenaged boy who comes to the ER having ’sampled’ Dad’s Viagra…

Aries

Learning to ‘let it go’ is good.  Practicing ‘letting it go’ while moving the patient…not so good!

Taurus

If all your colleagues are under 5′, are you short staffed? This week will give you an opportunity to ponder what words REALLY mean.

Gemini

Optimistic Gemini is sure that being a floating nurse involves a lovely pool in the Caribbean.  Maintain your boundaries fiercely and don’t let anyone disillusion you about this: trust us, you won’t like what THEY think it means.

Cancer

You’ve got a drug book in your pocket, and your colleague has Twilight in hers. We recommend therapeutic application of the forehead to the nearest flat surface. We’ll let you decide exactly who’s forehead is used.

Leo

When the patient wants to be transferred to the Acute floor because ‘they have better looking nurses there, duh!’ remember that it’s not technically OK to adjust his physical condition to make the transfer appropriate. This will be difficult for Leo, who can generally resist anything EXCEPT temptation.

Virgo

Instead of putting tracking devices on nurses, Virgo, what would happen if they went on people who are really hard to find: say that doctor who NEVER answers his pages, the mysterious disappearing sitter, or your patient who is determined to go walkabout?

Libra

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints, Libra! Tell your colleagues you’ve lost your teeth and you’ll be right here waiting for housekeeping to return them — and THEN you’ll be ready to leap right back into all of the action. With any luck, it’ll be a week or two before anyone realizes you don’t actually wear false teeth…

Scorpio

The Dali Lama said it best: Compassion is the radicalism of our time. Everyone is capable of compassion, and yet everyone tends to avoid it because it’s uncomfortable. Scorpio, who is more than down with uncomfortable, spends much of this week exploring compassion.

Sagittarius

When you get the patient who rages that “I pay your salary!” try pointing out that you’re really overdue for a raise and a benefits review. It won’t work, of course, but the look on their face is enough to make it worth it…especially as financial concerns loom large on the horizon.

Capricorn

If there’s such a nursing shortage, why are you surrounded with annoying colleagues? Maybe you could ship them somewhere where they’re NEEDED! Mind you, getting them in that Fedex box will be challenging. Not impossible, but challenging.

Aquarius

Every nurse goes through the phase of self-diagnosis, sure they’ve contracted something horrible from their patients. But Aquarius, it really, really, really helps if you remember gender precludes you from some conditions! Don’t stress EVERYTHING :-)

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

You’ll find yourself needing some alone time this week, Pisces. Let your colleagues help you achieve solitude by throwing a handful of retractable fine point sharpies down the hall, away from the nursing station.

Aries

Recent news has many nurses watching the weather forecast with anxious eyes. Creative Aries doesn’t stress: why worry when you can commandeer the administration’s office and turn it into emergency housing/party pit/hot tub?

Taurus

Frustrations about for Taurus this week, especially centered around the ‘customer service’ model of health care. It makes it tough when we just can’t return defective units to the manufacturer for a replacement!

Gemini

No interest you will ever have, no passion, no ambition, will ever match your LOL’s fascination with her bowels. Imagine all that determination applied to solving the world’s problems!

Cancer

This week brings the return of Mrs. Grouchalot, the patient who knows you can’t do anything right. And guess what? While she was away, her daughter married the DON’s son!

Leo

Social Leo feels the need to isolate this week, at least until JCAHO goes home. Try tying a bell on an inspector, and keep moving away from the ringing.

Virgo

If your peds patient’s parent tells you their child has a temp of 350 because they ‘felt as hot as the oven’ under no circumstances eat the baked goods they bring to the nurses’ station as a thank you.

Libra

There is no I in TEAM, Libra. You know what that means? It’s okay to let someone else volunteer to head the committee.

Scorpio

The beginning of the week is going to be particularly rough — for you and those around you. (Might not want to tell your patients that!) Be proactive and fight off the bad mood. You influence more people than you know. One smile can transform multiple days! Surprising influences crop up on the 5th, perhaps from a visitor or patient’s family member.

Sagittarius

You’ve got it going on! Nothing is going to phase the Sagittarian nurse this week. Projectile vomiting? No big deal Three codes in thirty seconds? You can handle it — you’re SuperNurse! Just be advised: there aren’t a whole lot of phone booths anymore. You’ll want to be more discerning about where you choose to change into your tights and cape.

Capricorn

Thinking of abandoning the hustle and bustle of the ER for the relative calm of psychiatric nursing? Looking for greener pastures in geriatrics? This is a positive time for change, Capricorn — if you want to make a move in your personal or professional life, the 3rd is a great time to start!

Aquarius

They tell you to trust your gut — and here you are with IBS! Don’t let doubt get in your way, particularly when it comes to making difficult decisions. You’ve got wisdom, insight, and intuition: use this week to practice trusting your judgment. This is particularly true on Friday, when you may be needed to make a difficult call.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Asking “What were you doing to that dog before he bit you?” may not be part of the standard rabies control protocol, Pisces, but this week, you might understand why it should be.  Congratulations on another successful week saving humanity from itself.

Aries

If the patient calls to see if the ER is ‘too busy’ before they come in with their emergency, the only possible answer is “Oh  my God a bus just crashed through the front door hold on!”  Or so I’m told.  You would never do such a thing, would you, Aries?

Taurus

There are questions in this world you don’t want the answers to, Taurus.  Like why someone would want the foreign object retrieved from an uncomfortable location back — they didn’t want it when they had it!  But if you get an answer to that mystery, let us know.

Gemini

If a patient has a vowel obstruction, does that mean they can’t say A, E, I, O, or U?

Cancer

Weighty issues have been on your mind, Cancer.  Whether it’s your own personal quest for fitness or your own personal quest for a patient-turning strategy that works on people who weigh more than your car, you’ve been doing some heavy thinking.  Stop it and go for a walk.

Leo

Taking histories is a special delight for you this week, Leo, as you learn that your patient has no previous history of suicide.

Virgo

Word play delights you, and you spend much of a shift musing aloud if something that’s been bothering someone for six years can truly be deemed an emergency.

Libra

If you remove the pizza the NPO patient had delivered from his room, is it REALLY wrong to swipe a piece,or REALLY REALLY wrong? Does it matter if it’s double pepperoni with extra cheese? This week will be full of moral quandries, Libra, try to stay strong.

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

This week, you have a chance to introduce a patient to that radical new health care innovation: SOAP!  Future generations will have to see if the trend toward cleanliness is anything more than a fad, but the roommate is pretty happy with you.

Capricorn

A surprise encounter will have you rethinking your entire career path.  Be careful on Wednesday.

Aquarius

Feelings of sorrow and regret plague the beginning of the week, but give way to the wonder of realizing you really do make a difference midweek.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Make life easy for yourself and your fellow nurses: use camouflage bandages on combative patients! It’s logical and effective!

Pisces

Your inventive spirit is admirable, Pisces, but we’re not sure it’s a great idea to base your idea for a new g-tube unclogger on a bug zapper!

Aries

Laughter is the best medicine — quick, hold that square needled syringe up to the patient’s TV and see if you can’t capture some of that Comedy Central special. Maybe that’ll help adjust that attitude of theirs!

Taurus

Do nurses who eat their young get indigestion?

Gemini

Rumors from the unit grapevine have you nervous: remember to consider the source! Still uncertain? Try this: in confidence, share a totally fraudulent piece of info with the biggest gossip on the unit. See how long it takes to come back to you — and how different it appears this time around. Still worried?

Cancer

The patient who has all of these nurses and doctors and medical gurus in their family for the entire duration of their stay on the unit turns out to be the exact same person who has no one to help them at home. Don’t let the shock knock you over!

Leo

Just for fun, record the ‘night sounds’ on your unit and see if you can get the crew from MonsterQuest to believe you’ve got a Yeti in your backyard. Wouldn’t watching their analysts trying to discern the source of ‘those unearthly sounds’ be great?

Virgo

Technically, you can’t tell people you’re a gastroenterologist based upon the character of the people you work with. Something to remember while pondering updating your resume!

Libra

When you start the “how long until the shift is over” countdown at 11 hours, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, it might not be the best day ever. Try holding off on the countdown until after lunch break and see if that changes your workday!

Scorpio

Why is it, Scorpio, that the better it feels to say something, the more likely it becomes that it was the totally wrong thing to say? This week will give you many opportunities to ponder this.

Sagittarius

If a student nurse hits another student nurse with her Fundamentals book, it that a textbook concussion?

Capricorn

A lovely trip down memory lane will let you recall those long ago days when you had a gag reflex.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

It’s sharing season, apparently, as one flu bug after another goes around work. Try wearing a mask at all times and washing your hands 37,000 times a day…unless they let you put your colleagues in isolation!

Pisces

Remember to keep a sense of proportion this week, Pisces! A simple debate — should nurses chew gum on the job or not? — has the potential to elevate your blood pressure to atmospheric levels! Learn to let irritations go; otherwise they’ll just stick around (and get in your hair and under your shoe…)

Aries

Denial…it’s not just a river in Egypt! But for all the luck you’ll have explaining that to the person in question, you might as well book a flight and take them there so you can demonstrate the difference!

Taurus

It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience.

Gemini

Isn’t it ironic how detox patients can drive one to drink?

Cancer

Appearances are deceiving, which is a fairly distressing piece of knowledge to have if you’re working Triage.

Leo

When people tell you never to surrender your power, Leo, they don’t actually mean you have absolute control of the remote control! Just a little tid bit you might want to take home with you!

Virgo

Calling in an emergency response team for biohazard containment might be a bit of an overreaction to the state of the Nurse’s station. Just saying…

Libra

Warning the patient that they’re about to feel a little prick turns into the most awkward misunderstanding you’ve ever had. Clarity is at a premium this week!

Scorpio

This week you’ll wonder why they just don’t make scrubs the distinctive color of feeding tube contents. That way you’ll never have to worry about stains!

Sagittarius

As your empty IV bag turns out to not be so empty and you take a saline shower, just think, if this was happening in a remote European spa, you’d pay top dollar for this experience…but instead, you’re getting paid (and soggy!)

Capricorn

Credibility is an issue for you this week, as patients fail to believe that the doctor doesn’t actually let you know when they’ll be coming by or that their 3,700 requests for additional pain medication have been forwarded along. Perhaps it would work better if you used sign language or interpretive dance to convey the information!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Sidestep controversy at all cost this week. But look where you’re stepping — it might be a slippery slope hiding on the unit floor!

Pisces

He who hesitates is lost ~ but they’re also never the first one responding to a Code Brown!

Aries

Sometimes throwing the visitors out is the best nursing intravention you can do. The fact it’s just so much fun is an added bonus!

Taurus

Sleep is for the weak — as apparently are regular meals and time to use the bathroom! Things calm down momentarily midweek, but become exciting in time for the weekend.

Gemini

It’s hard to orient patients to reality when you don’t know if you’re coming or going, isn’t it, Gemini?

Cancer

It’s amazing the number of people who can drive cars, operate computers and manage complex social lives — yet can’t figure out the bedpan! Reconciling inconsistencies like this will occupy much of this week.

Leo

Observational skills will be put to the test to track down a colleague who leaves tasks undone and call lights unanswered yet amazingly can still update Facebook, plan a vacation, and answer 3,700 calls from home.

Virgo

Advances in technology means nurses no longer have to worry about losing keys or even pens…which leaves only your mind in jeopardy!

Libra

Remember when a chart topper was a #1 song and not what you left on top of your to-do list?

Scorpio

Let your light shine, Scorpio — you can tell people you’re checking them for concussions but we all know it’s your natural brilliance!

Sagittarius

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints! Some weeks are made of days like that.

Capricorn

Graduate at the bottom of your class and they still call you “Doctor”. Good to remember, bad to say out loud, particularly on Tuesday!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Your medical knowledge isn’t enough to cure the virus that’s crashed the computer system, Aquarius. Frustrations with technology help you bond with colleagues that normally infuriate you. This may be a sign of the apocalypse, but the system will likely be back on line before you know for sure. Proceed with caution.

Pisces

This would be a good week to announce your intention to withdraw from the world and ponder one of life’s great mysteries: why would one ever use a denture cup when there’s so many lovely discarded dirty napkins available?

Aries

Some weeks are simply awesome. Some weeks are to be watched out for. This week is a mix of both. Hold your head high and watch where you step. At the same time. That one puddle there looks rather slippery.

Taurus

There’s been an outbreak of Hospital/Hotel Confusion Syndrome running rampant among your patients this week. Surprisingly, a cure is discovered the very minute you look for a tip!

Gemini

The brightest star in the sky shines directly on you this week. Like an X-Ray from heaven. Where’s your lead vest?!

Cancer

Who needs to watch soap operas when you have visiting hours? This week presents you with drama, pathos, tension, reconciliation, a surprise baby — all you need know is a wedding to take place just outside the OR doors! The hubbub dies down midweek, but will likely pick up again in sweeps season.

Leo

Every day brings you one step closer to your dreams, and two steps closer to your fears. Learn hopscotch.

Virgo

Money will not solve all your problems this week so… no we’re kidding, it totally would.

Libra

This is a week of reflection for you, but don’t blame the mirror for what you see. Blame the vending machine — and perhaps the remnants of that birthday cake that was left at the nurse’s station.

Scorpio

Watch out for flying bedpans this week. Not thrown, mind you. Flying. Yeah. It’s like that We’re not sure who (or what!) you’ve irritated, but this week will be supernatural!

Sagittarius

If you work enough double shifts this week you may see your dreams come true. Then again you may be so tired you see all sorts of interesting things. Hallucination is fun.

Capricorn

Do not search for hidden meaning in the charts this week. You missed it. That was last week. Didn’t we… oh, we forgot. Sorry.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Don’t rely upon Suzanne to help you make the right life decisions. Nope. She just gazes up into the sky, and this is what emerges. You’ll note the lack of responsible financial advice, relationship guidance, professional wisdom or anything else vaguely helpful.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Capricorn

Hearing about how nurses were so much better ‘way back when’ from an older doctor makes you want to research other historical phases — such as the stone age, where he learned his technique and attitude. See if you can find his picture while doing your research. It might be painted on a cave wall.

Aquarius

Normally silver-tongued, Aquarius finds herself speechless when presented with a hand-knitted rendition of a recently removed organ. What really can you say but “Thank you” to felted kidneys?

Pisces

Embrace delegation this week. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself to do it all.

Aries

Your amazing assessment abilities — some of which derive directly from looking at the stains and splatters covering the patient’s clothes — lead you to consider a career in investigation. Sherlock Holmes has got nothing on you!

Taurus

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints, does it, Taurus?

Gemini
The best laid plans usually end up requiring traction. This week will afford you a chance to marvel at human creativity — and rue the fundamental lack of physics knowledge that makes life so exciting!

Cancer

You get the answers that you wanted last week now, Cancer, but it turns our you can’t remember what you asked!

Leo

Don’t wait for outsiders to recognize what a great job you and your unit do. Celebrate yourselves with a standing ovation & cheering squad: your colleagues need the boost and so do you!

Virgo

Knock before entering! You’re really never too old for love but YOU might be too darn young to see that!

Libra

Colleagues turn to you for support and compassion as they have a challenging week: make sure you are taking enough time to take care of you as well, or you’ll be burned out before you see a single patient!

Scorpio

What strikes you as the obvious solution and common sense will be innovative, out-of-the-box thinking to others. Capitalize upon this this week; you’ll be able to get others thinking and perhaps making the changes you’ve been longing for.

Sagittarius

It is as bad as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Capricorn

Tension surrounds you this week, Capricorn. Turn the emotional tide with humor: even small smiles count.

Aquarius

Avoid the color pink as much as possible this week, Aquarius. You’ll be glad of it. Purple’s not real lucky either. Other than that, the vending machine won’t let you down!

Pisces

Make sure you have access to plenty of chocolate this week!

Aries

A colleague’s sudden journalistic tendencies trouble you, but fear not! You’re not the center of attention…yet!

Taurus

Taurus’ caregiving tendencies kick into overdrive for one near and dear. Be careful before you say anything, the matter is sensitive.

Gemini

The fears and anxiety of your student nurse days will come rushing back for one horrid moment; only to be squelched by your been-there, done-that expertise. Go You! This will give you the compassion you need to help out a struggling newbie later this week.

Cancer

This is a great week to ask people deep, meaningful questions that provoke long therapeutic sessions of introspection and soul searching. Sadly, it is a horrible week for getting answers to those questions.

Leo

Ambition surprises you, perhaps prompting you to make a change sooner than expected. Conquer fear to embrace this potential life altering event.

Virgo

Straight forward common sense isn’t always the answer, Virgo. Trust your intuition. It won’t steer you wrong, at least not more than once or twice!

Libra

Ever feel like you have absolutely no idea what’s going on? This week, you’re right — and luckier for it!

Scorpio

Remember, if you smile *really pretty*, sometimes the ’special visitors’ won’t be able to tell you want to strangle them!

Sagittarius

A patient considerably older than the majority of their teeth will offer you a bit of true wisdom wrapped in a strange package.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Capricorn

Problems never come singly, Capricorn.  They’re like babies from the fertility clinic — some women get twins, some triplets…except you get problems instead of babies, and this week will have you feeling like the OctoMom!

Aquarius

Discovering that the per diem nurse is making way more than you’re bringing home makes you see red — and suddenly every issue in the workplace becomes magnified 100%.   Avoid impetuous decisions this week: sometimes the grass really isn’t greener on the other side of the fence.

Pisces

Impatient and irritable, Pisces is out of sorts this week.  You may find solace in the fact your patients need you and are grateful for the skilled care you provide; you may find solace in cheesecake.  Either way, the change in mood will come from YOU; so get to it.  With determination you can snap this funk by Wednesday.

Aries

The best gift you can give a new nurse is the sure knowledge that you really don’t have it all together, either.  This week, you can present someone with that gift! How kind you are!

Taurus

You thought the holiday season was over, but no: this week, everyone wants to “present” you with their problems.  It’s the gifts that keeps on giving!

Gemini

Rest, relaxation, perfect peace and quiet — all of these are yours to enjoy, Gemini — at least until they figure out how to get you OUT of the staff bathroom!

Cancer

You don’t have to keep struggling to keep your nursing education current, Cancer.  Just retire!  Then you’ll know everything!

Leo

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Virgo

Overhearing other nurses critique your performance makes you fret — until you realize that the things they complain about the most are things they don’t do themselves!

Libra

Weather concerns dominate your day: it’s amazing how the storm that keeps your co-workers home doesn’t stop the patients from coming in!

Scorpio

That buzzing sound in your ear was nothing more than your resolutions zooming by! Way to go! You’ve made it sixteen minutes longer than last year!

Sagittarius

Relentless optimism in the face of all reality will get you far; the ability to smile and nod while family members rail on and on about litigation, crisis, and how Granny has deteriorated drastically since their last visit (last year!) will get you further.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

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