Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Nervous about a new responsibility, Aries needs to take a deep breath and remember: this is not the first time you’ve been nervous, but you’ve made it every time thus far.

Taurus

You have to be able to care for yourself, Taurus, before you can care for others. Steal a moment to stop, breathe, center, and then it’s back to full speed ahead.

Gemini

You will be hounded for medical information by everyone you know and their best friend as a ‘bug’ sweeps through the town. If you can hold out until Wednesday before informing every one they have inflamed hypochondrial glands and a severe case of Iwantddayoffitis, we shall applaud your self restraint as a work of art.

Cancer

Relationships issues outside of work make the calm, peaceful surroundings of the ER at full throttle on the busiest night of the year seem a welcome respite. Hang in there; this too shall pass. Kind of like a kidney stone, but not as fun.

Leo

The patient who was ‘once a nurse!’ turns out to have answered phones in the animal hospital while volunteering in high school, many decades along. Learn to take your lack of surprise at this news as a mark of sophistication, and not an inarguable sign of burn out. It’s better that way.

Virgo

Minds are like parachutes, true, Virgo. They only work when they are open. But in one critical way minds are unlike parachutes, and you WILL get in trouble if you try to throw them out of an airplane. Especially if they’re not yours!

Libra

Does a hypochondriac want to have their ache and eat it too? Your week is full of tough questions, Libra, but relatively few terrible puns.

Scorpio

Not everyone is a complete idiot, Scorpio. Sometimes, parts are missing!

Sagittarius

Search the hospital directory for the psychiatric chiropractor, Sagittarius. That’s where you can send folks to have their attitudes adjusted!

Capricorn

No gift quandries for Capricorn: you already know what to give the man who has everything. Antibiotics!

Aquarius

Attempting to add more veggies to their diet, Aquarius remembers that chocolate is made from cocoa beans and is, hence, a vegetable. There will be much rejoicing, and salad will never be the same again.

Pisces

Never iron a four leaf clover, Pisces, but especially not this week! You don’t want to press your luck!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Sometimes that learning curve is a vertical line, Aries! Try to remember your student days and be compassionate. You weren’t born knowing everything, either.

Taurus

One way that computerized charting is just like old school paper charting: one misplaced cup of coffee can ruin your whole day! Be careful where you put your cup, Taurus!

Gemini

Never underestimate the power of one well placed whoopie cushion to change the entire tone of the day!

Cancer

Resist the temptation to ask your patient if they want fries with that, as they rattle of a list of things that they expect the nurse to do…they’ll likely say yes!

Leo

Patient education is particularly challenging this week, Leo. We recommend saying “Don’t DO THAT!” in a very loud voice until the message gets through.

Virgo

Setting boundaries is good, Virgo. You’ll know you’re overdoing it when you wake up family members to check their vitals — and YOU’RE still sleeping!

Libra

Consider treating the more terrible parts of the day as a game: for example, how many diseases/disorders/really bad ideas can you diagnose using only your nose?

Scorpio

Calling in Search and Rescue to find out what happened to those meds you were promised would be ‘right there’ is probably excessive, Scorpio. Understandable, but excessive. And the pharmacy would never forgive you.

Sagittarius

It’s always five seconds after you empty the bedpan that another stool sample is needed!

Capricorn

Capricorn finds themselves in ‘stealth nurse’ mode this week, to keep from having anyone who knows you, or anyone you know, or anyone they know, from asking you very detailed, very intimate medical questions. There’s a limit to what you really want to know about great-aunt-Agnes’ neighbor’s son’s girlfriend’s urinary tract.

Aquarius

Patient advocacy is job number one for Aquarius this week, followed shortly by resolving a great deal of paperwork confusion, which turns out to be job number Q!

Pisces

If you work with a lumberjack injured on the job, do you check for post treematic stress?

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

The one thing CLEARLY left out of health care reform legislation? Funding to buy headache relief for all the health care workers who get to listen to patients from every side of the issue discuss it this week.

Taurus

Surprising appreciation for what you do makes your day: there are still people out there who think nurses ROCK and when it comes to you, they’re right! Enjoy a great week, Taurus!

Gemini

If you throw out your shoulder hurling things at the TV every time Nurse Jackie or Dr. House does something wrong, do you get workman’s comp? This week is full of mysterious questions, Gemini. Maybe you should switch to the Wii instead…

Cancer

No matter how you stuff the ballot box, Cancer, the new mandated scrub color is not going to be “Retro 60′s Psychadelic Neon” Sorry.

Leo

For future reference, Leo, the preferred way to question an order is not: “Are you absolutely INSANE?” This bit of information may be handy this week.

Virgo

Etiquette issues worry you, Virgo, as you try to figure out the best way to include everyone in your festive activities. Consider changing the paradigm: If you hold the party for an entire week, that should allow most people a chance to check it out. The best plans have no downside.

Libra

Is it technically wrong to send the confused UPS guy to Labor and Delivery?

Scorpio

Rumors and innuendo surround you, and you can’t believe what you’re hearing. The story didn’t go that way at all when you told it!

Sagittarius

You find yourself puzzled, Sagittarius, over choices other people make. It’s true, people can be confusing. Just try remembering that some people don’t realize that 1,000 Ways to Die isn’t technically educational television.

Capricorn

Watch the news carefully this week, Capricorn: it’s amazing who you’ll see on there.

Aquarius

If your retirement plans include the following words: bank robbery, winning lottery ticket, printing press — you may want to consider making some financial changes. Money weighs heavy on your mind, but you have the power to change your current situation — without robbing the bank.

Pisces

Enthusiasm and optimism go a long way, but ultimately, they don’t cover the fact that someone doesn’t necessarily know what they’re doing. Trust your judgment and give that advice you’ve been holding back for fear of overstepping. It could make all the difference in the world.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Normally Patient Pisces finds it hard to tolerate tales of emergencies that have endured for six months…right up until this morning!…and relatives who know what the patient ‘really’ needs.

Aries

It’s a fine line, deciding where a pre-teen’s desire to dress like Lady Gaga requires medical intravention. Good luck helping finding it – or persuading the patient’s parents that demonic possession isn’t a recognized diagnosis anymore.

Taurus

This week will have you thinking longingly of the relatively calm, peaceful environment other nurses enjoy; such as corrections nursing or in front line field hospitals. The situation should calm down mid-week, but make self care a priority in the mean time.

Gemini

Document, document, document.

If that isn’t a clue about how this week’s going to be, it’s the same word repeated three times.

Cancer

The fact you stopped and took the time to listen to someone transforms their entire week. Later this week, someone will do the same for you.

Leo

Creative problem solving skills come in handy this week, Leo: tap into your inner inventor and amaze even yourself! Perhaps the self-warming bedpan need not be a dream any longer!

Virgo

Have confidence in your colleagues, Virgo. Maintaining professionalism can be hard when you’re truly tested, but rest assured, you’re not the only one seeing the clear picture here. This stress will pass by the end of the week, and it is likely you’ll be able to view one colleague in particular from a new perspective.

Libra

Just remember, you’re not the first person to make that mistake. You may be the first person to make that mistake to such a degree that it requires six staff members, a lion tamer, three penguin handlers, a television news crew, and an insightful analysis by Nancy Grace, but you’re not the first person to make the mistake, and that’s what matters! Keep yur chin up!

Scorpio

Play! Have fun! Tell terrible jokes! You are a source of delight to those around you this week — or at least an unexpected chuckle!

Sagittarius

Would forcibly removing a cell phone from a patient’s ear be an advance or a step backwards in facilitating therapeutic communication?

Capricorn

No matter how many times you see a patient swallow a suppository, it never becomes routine, does it, Capricorn?

Aquarius

A “No Diversion” policy doesn’t mean you can’t play your DS during break — we won’t tell and a little first person shooter action might actually relieve some of that stress!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Try to eliminate unnecessary tasks from your week, Pisces.  Some things, you just don’t need to bother with.  If you have trouble figuring this out, consult with the teenaged boy who comes to the ER having ‘sampled’ Dad’s Viagra…

Aries

Learning to ‘let it go’ is good.  Practicing ‘letting it go’ while moving the patient…not so good!

Taurus

If all your colleagues are under 5′, are you short staffed? This week will give you an opportunity to ponder what words REALLY mean.

Gemini

Optimistic Gemini is sure that being a floating nurse involves a lovely pool in the Caribbean.  Maintain your boundaries fiercely and don’t let anyone disillusion you about this: trust us, you won’t like what THEY think it means.

Cancer

You’ve got a drug book in your pocket, and your colleague has Twilight in hers. We recommend therapeutic application of the forehead to the nearest flat surface. We’ll let you decide exactly who’s forehead is used.

Leo

When the patient wants to be transferred to the Acute floor because ‘they have better looking nurses there, duh!’ remember that it’s not technically OK to adjust his physical condition to make the transfer appropriate. This will be difficult for Leo, who can generally resist anything EXCEPT temptation.

Virgo

Instead of putting tracking devices on nurses, Virgo, what would happen if they went on people who are really hard to find: say that doctor who NEVER answers his pages, the mysterious disappearing sitter, or your patient who is determined to go walkabout?

Libra

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints, Libra! Tell your colleagues you’ve lost your teeth and you’ll be right here waiting for housekeeping to return them — and THEN you’ll be ready to leap right back into all of the action. With any luck, it’ll be a week or two before anyone realizes you don’t actually wear false teeth…

Scorpio

The Dali Lama said it best: Compassion is the radicalism of our time. Everyone is capable of compassion, and yet everyone tends to avoid it because it’s uncomfortable. Scorpio, who is more than down with uncomfortable, spends much of this week exploring compassion.

Sagittarius

When you get the patient who rages that “I pay your salary!” try pointing out that you’re really overdue for a raise and a benefits review. It won’t work, of course, but the look on their face is enough to make it worth it…especially as financial concerns loom large on the horizon.

Capricorn

If there’s such a nursing shortage, why are you surrounded with annoying colleagues? Maybe you could ship them somewhere where they’re NEEDED! Mind you, getting them in that Fedex box will be challenging. Not impossible, but challenging.

Aquarius

Every nurse goes through the phase of self-diagnosis, sure they’ve contracted something horrible from their patients. But Aquarius, it really, really, really helps if you remember gender precludes you from some conditions! Don’t stress EVERYTHING :-)

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

You’ll find yourself needing some alone time this week, Pisces. Let your colleagues help you achieve solitude by throwing a handful of retractable fine point sharpies down the hall, away from the nursing station.

Aries

Recent news has many nurses watching the weather forecast with anxious eyes. Creative Aries doesn’t stress: why worry when you can commandeer the administration’s office and turn it into emergency housing/party pit/hot tub?

Taurus

Frustrations about for Taurus this week, especially centered around the ‘customer service’ model of health care. It makes it tough when we just can’t return defective units to the manufacturer for a replacement!

Gemini

No interest you will ever have, no passion, no ambition, will ever match your LOL’s fascination with her bowels. Imagine all that determination applied to solving the world’s problems!

Cancer

This week brings the return of Mrs. Grouchalot, the patient who knows you can’t do anything right. And guess what? While she was away, her daughter married the DON’s son!

Leo

Social Leo feels the need to isolate this week, at least until JCAHO goes home. Try tying a bell on an inspector, and keep moving away from the ringing.

Virgo

If your peds patient’s parent tells you their child has a temp of 350 because they ‘felt as hot as the oven’ under no circumstances eat the baked goods they bring to the nurses’ station as a thank you.

Libra

There is no I in TEAM, Libra. You know what that means? It’s okay to let someone else volunteer to head the committee.

Scorpio

The beginning of the week is going to be particularly rough — for you and those around you. (Might not want to tell your patients that!) Be proactive and fight off the bad mood. You influence more people than you know. One smile can transform multiple days! Surprising influences crop up on the 5th, perhaps from a visitor or patient’s family member.

Sagittarius

You’ve got it going on! Nothing is going to phase the Sagittarian nurse this week. Projectile vomiting? No big deal Three codes in thirty seconds? You can handle it — you’re SuperNurse! Just be advised: there aren’t a whole lot of phone booths anymore. You’ll want to be more discerning about where you choose to change into your tights and cape.

Capricorn

Thinking of abandoning the hustle and bustle of the ER for the relative calm of psychiatric nursing? Looking for greener pastures in geriatrics? This is a positive time for change, Capricorn — if you want to make a move in your personal or professional life, the 3rd is a great time to start!

Aquarius

They tell you to trust your gut — and here you are with IBS! Don’t let doubt get in your way, particularly when it comes to making difficult decisions. You’ve got wisdom, insight, and intuition: use this week to practice trusting your judgment. This is particularly true on Friday, when you may be needed to make a difficult call.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Asking “What were you doing to that dog before he bit you?” may not be part of the standard rabies control protocol, Pisces, but this week, you might understand why it should be.  Congratulations on another successful week saving humanity from itself.

Aries

If the patient calls to see if the ER is ‘too busy’ before they come in with their emergency, the only possible answer is “Oh  my God a bus just crashed through the front door hold on!”  Or so I’m told.  You would never do such a thing, would you, Aries?

Taurus

There are questions in this world you don’t want the answers to, Taurus.  Like why someone would want the foreign object retrieved from an uncomfortable location back — they didn’t want it when they had it!  But if you get an answer to that mystery, let us know.

Gemini

If a patient has a vowel obstruction, does that mean they can’t say A, E, I, O, or U?

Cancer

Weighty issues have been on your mind, Cancer.  Whether it’s your own personal quest for fitness or your own personal quest for a patient-turning strategy that works on people who weigh more than your car, you’ve been doing some heavy thinking.  Stop it and go for a walk.

Leo

Taking histories is a special delight for you this week, Leo, as you learn that your patient has no previous history of suicide.

Virgo

Word play delights you, and you spend much of a shift musing aloud if something that’s been bothering someone for six years can truly be deemed an emergency.

Libra

If you remove the pizza the NPO patient had delivered from his room, is it REALLY wrong to swipe a piece,or REALLY REALLY wrong? Does it matter if it’s double pepperoni with extra cheese? This week will be full of moral quandries, Libra, try to stay strong.

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

This week, you have a chance to introduce a patient to that radical new health care innovation: SOAP!  Future generations will have to see if the trend toward cleanliness is anything more than a fad, but the roommate is pretty happy with you.

Capricorn

A surprise encounter will have you rethinking your entire career path.  Be careful on Wednesday.

Aquarius

Feelings of sorrow and regret plague the beginning of the week, but give way to the wonder of realizing you really do make a difference midweek.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Make life easy for yourself and your fellow nurses: use camouflage bandages on combative patients! It’s logical and effective!

Pisces

Your inventive spirit is admirable, Pisces, but we’re not sure it’s a great idea to base your idea for a new g-tube unclogger on a bug zapper!

Aries

Laughter is the best medicine — quick, hold that square needled syringe up to the patient’s TV and see if you can’t capture some of that Comedy Central special. Maybe that’ll help adjust that attitude of theirs!

Taurus

Do nurses who eat their young get indigestion?

Gemini

Rumors from the unit grapevine have you nervous: remember to consider the source! Still uncertain? Try this: in confidence, share a totally fraudulent piece of info with the biggest gossip on the unit. See how long it takes to come back to you — and how different it appears this time around. Still worried?

Cancer

The patient who has all of these nurses and doctors and medical gurus in their family for the entire duration of their stay on the unit turns out to be the exact same person who has no one to help them at home. Don’t let the shock knock you over!

Leo

Just for fun, record the ‘night sounds’ on your unit and see if you can get the crew from MonsterQuest to believe you’ve got a Yeti in your backyard. Wouldn’t watching their analysts trying to discern the source of ‘those unearthly sounds’ be great?

Virgo

Technically, you can’t tell people you’re a gastroenterologist based upon the character of the people you work with. Something to remember while pondering updating your resume!

Libra

When you start the “how long until the shift is over” countdown at 11 hours, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, it might not be the best day ever. Try holding off on the countdown until after lunch break and see if that changes your workday!

Scorpio

Why is it, Scorpio, that the better it feels to say something, the more likely it becomes that it was the totally wrong thing to say? This week will give you many opportunities to ponder this.

Sagittarius

If a student nurse hits another student nurse with her Fundamentals book, it that a textbook concussion?

Capricorn

A lovely trip down memory lane will let you recall those long ago days when you had a gag reflex.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

It’s sharing season, apparently, as one flu bug after another goes around work. Try wearing a mask at all times and washing your hands 37,000 times a day…unless they let you put your colleagues in isolation!

Pisces

Remember to keep a sense of proportion this week, Pisces! A simple debate — should nurses chew gum on the job or not? — has the potential to elevate your blood pressure to atmospheric levels! Learn to let irritations go; otherwise they’ll just stick around (and get in your hair and under your shoe…)

Aries

Denial…it’s not just a river in Egypt! But for all the luck you’ll have explaining that to the person in question, you might as well book a flight and take them there so you can demonstrate the difference!

Taurus

It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience. It’s all a learning experience.

Gemini

Isn’t it ironic how detox patients can drive one to drink?

Cancer

Appearances are deceiving, which is a fairly distressing piece of knowledge to have if you’re working Triage.

Leo

When people tell you never to surrender your power, Leo, they don’t actually mean you have absolute control of the remote control! Just a little tid bit you might want to take home with you!

Virgo

Calling in an emergency response team for biohazard containment might be a bit of an overreaction to the state of the Nurse’s station. Just saying…

Libra

Warning the patient that they’re about to feel a little prick turns into the most awkward misunderstanding you’ve ever had. Clarity is at a premium this week!

Scorpio

This week you’ll wonder why they just don’t make scrubs the distinctive color of feeding tube contents. That way you’ll never have to worry about stains!

Sagittarius

As your empty IV bag turns out to not be so empty and you take a saline shower, just think, if this was happening in a remote European spa, you’d pay top dollar for this experience…but instead, you’re getting paid (and soggy!)

Capricorn

Credibility is an issue for you this week, as patients fail to believe that the doctor doesn’t actually let you know when they’ll be coming by or that their 3,700 requests for additional pain medication have been forwarded along. Perhaps it would work better if you used sign language or interpretive dance to convey the information!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aquarius

Sidestep controversy at all cost this week. But look where you’re stepping — it might be a slippery slope hiding on the unit floor!

Pisces

He who hesitates is lost ~ but they’re also never the first one responding to a Code Brown!

Aries

Sometimes throwing the visitors out is the best nursing intravention you can do. The fact it’s just so much fun is an added bonus!

Taurus

Sleep is for the weak — as apparently are regular meals and time to use the bathroom! Things calm down momentarily midweek, but become exciting in time for the weekend.

Gemini

It’s hard to orient patients to reality when you don’t know if you’re coming or going, isn’t it, Gemini?

Cancer

It’s amazing the number of people who can drive cars, operate computers and manage complex social lives — yet can’t figure out the bedpan! Reconciling inconsistencies like this will occupy much of this week.

Leo

Observational skills will be put to the test to track down a colleague who leaves tasks undone and call lights unanswered yet amazingly can still update Facebook, plan a vacation, and answer 3,700 calls from home.

Virgo

Advances in technology means nurses no longer have to worry about losing keys or even pens…which leaves only your mind in jeopardy!

Libra

Remember when a chart topper was a #1 song and not what you left on top of your to-do list?

Scorpio

Let your light shine, Scorpio — you can tell people you’re checking them for concussions but we all know it’s your natural brilliance!

Sagittarius

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the restraints! Some weeks are made of days like that.

Capricorn

Graduate at the bottom of your class and they still call you “Doctor”. Good to remember, bad to say out loud, particularly on Tuesday!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!