Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge

I’m having a real problem. I have a patient who just HATES me, and this is LTC, so we’ll be together for a while. Every time I see her, something goes wrong — and she’s full of outrageous requests. She called 911 because we didn’t get her another blanket fast enough!

You should hear her: “That nurse Jenny is no good! She’s terrible!” Something’s wrong — the movie in the day room was boring? “That Jenny did it, she’s terrible!”

The other nurses are starting to call me Terrible Jenny!

I don’t want to hate this woman, but I’ve got to admit I cringe every time I see her or hear her voice. I can’t afford to leave, and she’s not going anywhere. What can I do?

Signed,

Not So Terrible Jenny

Dear Not So Terrible Jenny,

There’s nothing as horrible as feeling like we’re letting our patients down. Especially when they clearly let us know what they want. Your patient wants you to be terrible — if she didn’t, she wouldn’t keep saying it! — and yet you don’t have it in you to be truly wretched to her.

That creates internal conflict, I know. Counseling, exercise, and a healthy spiritual practice helps. So do Mojitos, but don’t drink them at work, you’ll get in trouble.

Own your terrible-ness, even if you don’t have a lot of it. When you see her in the morning, say, “Good Morning! I’m Jenny, your terrible nurse for the day! What would you like me to screw up for you?” Emphasize how happy you would be just to wreck her day, so she could at long last be happy, being miserable.

Be aware that this can help your patient achieve clarity about what kind of treatment they prefer.

Of course, not every nurse prefers such invasive intraventions, and we have to respect that. If this is true for you, I’d go with option B, which is changing your name tag. (Or your name, but that’s rather a hassle.) Your patient never looks at your nametag: once they know a name, it’s STUCK in there like an adhesive foley. But visitors read name tags, as do some administrators (which is another part of the beauty of this plan) If she’s complaining about Jenny, and your name tag says Marianne, you’re off the hook!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’ve just discovered I’m pregnant.  Now, I’ve been a nurse for a while, and I’ve seen how the other nurses treat pregnant colleagues — it’s all nice up front, but  nasty nasty behind the back.  I don’t want that — so I’ve kept it quiet.  But I won’t be able to keep it quiet for long.  What’s the best way to stop my co workers from treating me any differently than they have up until now?
Signed,

Stressed in Spokane

Dear Stressed,

To really believe that your fellow nurses will treat you differently if you’re pregnant means you must believe they’re not talking behind your back now.  Come on.  You know these people.

Leopards don’t change their spots, but they will generally shell out for a nice romper, some onsies, or even a Diaper Genie if you play your cards right.  Assume that they’re going to be annoyed and irritable — that’s their nature, and you’ll only stress yourself out trying to change it.  Meanwhile, enjoy the daylights out of being pregnant.

Can’t go in the isolation room?  Don’t go in — JOYOUSLY!

Too far along to turn the 500 pound patient who insists on groping every woman within reach?  Shucks! Make sure to cheer supportively from the sidelines.

Have to vomit suddenly, despite the fact Dr. Annoying Face is right there?  Make sure you get a picture afterward for the baby book!

Some times in your life are special, and you shouldn’t let the actions of the people around you dictate your enjoyment of them.  Don’t worry about cranky faces and nasty attitudes — as soon as you’re not pregnant, they’ll have something else to be cranky and nasty about.  That’s the nature of the beast.  You go have fun.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll serve as an example that others will emulate.

By the time you’re back from maternity leave, they’ll be so happy to see you (and share the workload!) that they’ll even smile at all your new Mommy stories.

For a while.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I saw you were talking about some of the pros and cons of being married to a nurse, and I had to share this little tidbit. You see, my husband of 25 years is nurse, and he’s getting to that age where really he doesn’t like to do anything he doesn’t want to. I was working back to back doubles one weekend, and when I left for work, he was seated in his recliner, in front of the TV, remote in hand, some chips and soda strategically nearby.

When I returned after this very long, very taxing shift — HE WAS STILL THERE! Hadn’t moved — despite the fact that it had been raining like crazy, the back door was open, there was a puddle inside the house you would have needed a sailboat to cross, and there was a note on the front door that FedEx had tried to deliver a package but no one was home.

So being the calm, reasonable nurse that I am, I asked him what was up, and how he’d spent the last, oh twenty hours or so.

To which he replied “Comfort measures only!” and toasted me with his soda.

That’s what you’re in for, you know, when you marry a nurse. I do recommend a NERF gun for moments like these; it conveys the sentiment without doing lasting damage.

Signed,

Not a Newlywed Nurse

Dear Not A Newlywed,

Did you see the new Nerf six-shooters? One on each hip — it gives you a dozen shots at a go!

Water guns aren’t bad either — and you already have all that ‘ammo’ inside your back door!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I think I’ve finally met the man of my dreams — but there’s a problem  He’s a nurse too, and everyone — family, friends, colleagues — is saying a relationship between two nurses is doomed from the start.

What do you think?

Signed

Love Struck on Long Island

Dear Love Struck,

That’s a tough question! I know nurses who have been happily married for decades and nurses whose relationships were shorter than Gary Coleman.  I’d say it depends largely on the nurse in question.

But there are some definite pros and cons to dating a nurse when you’re a nurse.

Pro: They’ll understand your crazy schedule.

Con: Because they have a crazy schedule too — good luck finding time to actually be together!

Pro: You’ll always have someone around to help you out when you’re not feeling well.

Con: You really have to be very sick to impress a nurse. “You call that sick? I’ve seen more impressive vomiting from a catatonic patient — look, the proof is still on my shoes!”

Pro: Nothing shocks a nurse, so no matter what ‘floats your boat’, they’ll likely go along with it.

Con: Unless they’ve seen the x-rays that result after that particular boat-floating practice goes wrong.

My advice? Go for it: if the man of your dreams is a nurse, you know he’s got a brain, some measure of compassion, and enough get up and go to make it through nursing school! Barring that, you can swipe his scrub tops when yours are dirty!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m coming to nursing as a second career.  My first career, if you could call it that, was working in a body art studio.  I’ve got numerous tattoos, but most of them don’t show.  There’s a string of orchids down my forearm that ends above my wrists that shows if I’m in short sleeves.  They’re pretty and fairly tasteful if a bit on the large side.  Will this keep me from getting a nursing job?

Signed, Inked in Illinois

Dear Inked,

Tattoos have become more and more mainstream.  I recently watched a show about a cardiologist who had a large demon holding an anatomically correct heart in his clawed hands done on his back, and no one told that guy he was out of a job.

Yeah, I know. Like anyone could tell a surgeon anything, anyway!

I hate to tell you “It depends”, but It Depends.  In some areas, having large tattoos may make you more employable,  not less.  Some hospitals may want you to cover your tattoos — although I’d shy away from the ever popular “Stick a bandage on it” method — wrapping up ink that large will leave you looking like you’ve had major surgery, not a random scrape!

Many nurses have tattoos, you know.  You just don’t see them.  There’s the very popular  “Doctors who will NEVER touch me” list that many nurses have done on their chest, along with DNR orders and “Don’t Cut This Off!”.

There are some tattoos you probably should avoid getting.  “Diverting in My Favorite Diversion” would be right out, in my opinion.  Square needles? “Tourniquets for All Head Wounds!”  These are images that just don’t inspire confidence in your nursing skills.  Try to keep that in mind when going under the needle.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m a new nurse, and as new nurses are wont to do, asked my preceptor how I could be doing better. She told me I could try moving a little faster, which floored me — it seems like I NEVER stop moving! How can I speed it up?

Signed,

Slow Poke in Philly

Dear Slow Poke,

Ah, the classic question from new nurses everywhere — how do I go faster? There’s so much to do, and it all has to be right, and that’s enough stress without the speed.

Efficiency experts will tell you that you can have two out of any three of the following qualities: fast, accurate, and inexpensive. Now, take a look at your paycheck. With what they’re paying you, you’re already committed to the inexpensive portion of the equation! That means you have to choose between right and fast.

Choose right. Speed will come in time.

Of course, if you’re impatient — and of course you’re impatient, this is a question about needing to go faster — may I recommend taking a trip to the local skate park for inspiration? Roller blades will fix all of your problems. You simply glide from call to call, zooming along at a million miles an hour, and if someone complains, you refocus them on the nifty new trick you’ve just learned. I’ve personally found that a great grind along the edge of the crash cart will leave even my most ardent critics speechless.

You may not be able to go faster. The trick then becomes LOOKING like you’re going faster. Some nurses call this multi-tasking, and I’ve noticed that it works best for them (as a diversionary tactic, I don’t know how well it works when it comes to actually getting things done) if they narrate everything they do as they do it. “And now, I’ve got to go pour Mr. X’s meds but first I have to check 224 and call Dr. J to clarify that order and sign up to cover the holiday and also schedule an appointment to have Wilbur, my prized Maltese Sheepherding Dog, trained to appear in the next Westminster show, which I’m fitting in after volunteering at the medic’s tent at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.”

If you trip them, they’ll fall down and create clearance in the hallway, allowing you to move past them. I guarantee it’ll look like you’re getting things done faster once you’re IN FRONT of these multi-tasking nurses. You’ll be traveling faster than the speed of sound, and who can complain about that?

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I work in a LTC facility. One of our patients was (once upon a time) a nurse, and she must have been a good one! She’s ready and eager to help — more than once, we’ve found her bringing blankets to or pouring water for other patients.

Which is great, until it comes time to provide more ‘involved’ care. We’ve had to stop her from ‘assisting’ other patients, up to and including giving baths. She’s confronted staff about medication before, and wouldn’t you know it, sometimes she’s right? But obviously we can’t let her keep on providing care: how do we handle this without hurting her feelings?

Signed,

Wish I Had A Chance to Work With Her Back In The Day

Dear Wish,

Tell her it’s all administration’s fault. She’ll believe it in an instant. Everything else in her experience will have taught her to believe this!

That being said, it’s hard to stop a good nurse. So she’ll likely keep on keeping on. It might be better to work with her than against her: if you ask her to help with certain tasks, that might occupy her and keep her from providing more hands on care.

But I wouldn’t count on it.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

My NM has been reading your magazine, and now she’s trying to incorporate humor into everything she does.

Thanks a lot!

This woman is absolutely,  positively not funny.  She’s trying, so hard that it makes it even worse.  She tells jokes badly, she keeps forwarding ‘funny’ emails, and if I see one more cartoon posted in the nurses station I’m going to scream.

How do I get her to stop –  without hurting her feelings or jeopardizing my job?  Is there a way to make her funny?

Signed,

Not Laughing

Dear Not Laughing,

Who dumped the bedpan in your corn flakes?  You’ve got a NM who’s trying to lighten the mood and make your life better and you’re complaining?

Tell you what.  You come work here, in my spot, with a NM who thinks just because she’s got a fancy-pants degree and all kinds of education she knows something about nursing, and an administrator who thinks it’s funny to ‘award’ us with doubles right before the holidays…

Hold on.  I was getting a little steamed up there.

Your NM isn’t funny enough? Show her how it’s done.  She tells a stinky joke? Tell a better one.  She’ll be thrilled; she’s trying to get you all a little happier, you know.  The cartoons are terrible? Find better ones.  Tap into your slapstick side.  Do some interpretive dance down the hallway.  Wear a clown nose.  Channel your inner Patch Adams and clown around, for goodness sake’s!

Then your NM won’t try so hard to make you laugh.  You’ll be doing it for her.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

P.S. It is true that some people just aren’t naturally very funny. But looks aren’t everything.

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

Can you explain to me why people persist in asking me medical questions if they’re not going to listen to the answers? My aunt calls me CONSTANTLY about her diabetes and high blood pressure — then keeps right on eating Big Macs and slurping down milkshakes!

Why bother asking? It’s not like I have a ton of free time and I don’t like wasting it!

Signed,

Annoyed in Albany

Dear Annoyed,

Why does your aunt ask you instead of her doctor? Well, for one, it’s cheaper than paying for an office visit and ignoring what the doc has to say! She doesn’t have to drive to the office, make an appointment, or deal with insurance paperwork.

In fact, I’ve got a few questions for you myself…

Seriously, you can help your aunt cut down on calling you by charging her a small fee every time she calls. (I recommend $20 — just like a co-pay!) And make sure to only take her calls when it’s a time convenient for you. That’ll cut down on your resentment at being ignored…and all those $20s can fund your own retail therapy program!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

How do you handle visitors who won’t observe isolation precautions? I’m writing to you after going rounds with a determined man who SCREAMED at me that donning a mask to visit his friend (who happens to have TB!) was an insult, not only to him but to “The Lord God who protects his faithful!”

Signed,

Perplexed in Philly

Dear Perplexed,

There are some people in this world who you want to keep from exposing themselves to potentially fatal diseases. Other people, well, if that’s what they really want to do…

You can offer the education, but you can’t make them learn. Maybe they’ll listen the next time they see you. Of course, then they might be the patient and not the visitor!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

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