There Seems To Be Some Dispute About The Diagnosis Here

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Boning Up on Our Definitions

Q: What is the definition of a holistic orthopedic surgeon?

A: They consider the whole bone.

Seen on A Bulletin Board Near You

JNJ Saves You Money!

Don’t you hate it when everyone you know asks you the best way to cure their bunions, gout, stomach ache and more? Here’s one way to stop that problem — and you don’t have to spend a dime:

doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer,” and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Illustrating the Value of Clear Patient Communication

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of seventy years. She decided she could not bear to be alone and so would take her life. Being a prudent woman, she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered, “It’s just below your left breast.”

So the widow went home and took out her late husband’s gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.

That Gown’s Not Going to Help

ETOH not on board?

Every night, a good old boy named Bubba goes to the store, buys a six-pack and goes home to drink it in front of the TV.  One night, after his sixth can, the doorbell rings.   Bubba staggers out and opens the door.  Outside on the porch is a 6-foot tall cockroach.  Bubba is shocked when the cockroach elbows its way into the hall, grabs Bubba by the neck and throws him halfway up the stairs.  When Bubba comes around, the cockroach is gone and he reckons the pain is from too much beer.

The next night, Bubba has just finished his fourth can of beer when the doorbell rings again.  He weaves his way to the door and there outside is the 6-foot tall cockroach again.  It punches him in the head, kicks him in the ankle and when Bubba regains consciousness again –  no cockroach.

The third night, after only two cans of beer, the doorbell rings.  Bubba, practically sober, warily opens the door and the cockroach is there again.  It hits him with a baseball bat, bites himon the arm and kicks both of his kneecaps.  Once more it vanishes.

Now worried, Bubba vows not to drink again and is shocked when the next night, utterly sober, he has the living daylights beaten out of him by this 6-foot tall cockroach on the doorstep.

Bubba goes to the doctor to explain what’s been happening and the doctor listens.  “Doctor,” he moans.  “What’s the matter with me?”

“Don’t worry,” reassures the doctor.  “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”

All of Life’s Answers Are There If You Look For Them

From FriendsofIrony.com Here at JNJ, we always say a Friend of Irony is a Friend of Ours!

Off Label Applications

“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” the doctor told the retiring husband who tipped the scales at more than 250 pounds. “I don’t want you to swallow them,” he added. “Just spill them on the floor twice a day, and pick them up, one at a time.”

We Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

During a recent change-of-shift report, I heard an IV infusion pump alarm. I asked one of our nurses’ aides to go into the room and press the ‘pause’ button to stop the alarm. Our infusion pumps flash a message describing the problem, like ‘air in the line’. When the aide returned to the nurses’ station, I asked her what the pump was saying.

In earnest, she replied, “It was saying, ‘beep, beep, beep.”

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