Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Dear Nurse Marge,

Why are some doctors such ****s?  I’ve only been working on this unit for three weeks, and already I’ve learned to dread dealing with Dr. G.   She’s loud, obnoxious, and so sarcastic you’d never believe it.  I questioned an order because the patient in question had a stated allergy to the medication Dr. G ordered — and got chewed out every which way.  How do I handle this nasty doc?

Signed,

Terrorized in Toledo

Dear Terrorized,

I’ve got one word for you: Blackmail.  Doctors only behave badly because the power dynamic allows them to do so.  They think they’ve got the upper hand.   There’s only one remedy: prove them wrong.

You see, I’ve found that doctors who know I know about their secret pecadillos — from the chronic inability to kick in for the floor’s coffee and snack fun to failings of a more *personal* variety — tend to be much more pleasant and respectful when I call with a question or suggest that their order might, in fact, kill the patient.

Sometimes it’s tricky to accumulate this type of valuable information.  Back when I started nursing, it took years and years to build up the knowledge base that would make even the most fearsome doctors toe the line.  Now, however, we have Photoshop, which can speed up the process immemsely.

Hope that helps!

Nurse Marge

Photo by Christian Schart

CFJT? What, you may ask, is a CFJT?

Dear readers, I am happy to reply.

CFJT is from a story from recent news. A rash of carjacking was occurring at a California airport, the lone carjacker stealing rental cars for a joy ride near the arrivals terminal. The newly arrived, distracted by long hours of travel and luggage loading, simply failed to notice the lone carjacker slipping behind the wheel and speeding away with their ride, as well as any luggage that they had already loaded into the trunk.

This sunny California day, the carjacker struck, nabbing a late model sedan. Before he had left the terminal area, he spied a better target. A rental van, surrounded by ladies with distinctive hair in hues of grey, all garbed in matching pink sweatsuits. Mounds of luggage were being packed in the trunk space. A easy haul.

The carjacker failed to comprehend the meaning of the lettering on the pink sweats: CFJT. (more…)

1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases. (more…)

Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce… myself.
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

Spy, Traitor, Turncoat… I find those descriptors waaaaay too harsh. I prefer the title “Undercover Change Facilitator”.

Allow me to introduce myself- I’m your compatriot deep behind enemy lines, broadcasting in code. I’m Doctor Pat Raymond (and in the JNJ, I’m honored). My mission: Eliminate bad medical manners. I’ll give you insider tips and tricks that you can use today to train your doctors to play nice. I want your work day in medicine, the interactions between nurses and their physicians, to be pleasant, collegial, and, might as well go for the entire enchilada…fun! (more…)

The allergists voted to scratch it

And the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it

but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,

and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception

The opthalmologists considered the idea short sighted

while the pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The psychiatrists through the whole idea was madness

The radiologists could see right through it,

and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,

and the plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter!”

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

but the urologists thought the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The anasthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,

and the cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the whole thing up to some assholes in Washington!

As a pre-med student, I had to take a difficult class in physics.  One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept when a student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.  “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

The professor replied, “It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school!”