Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Q: What would you call a new health food cereal for impotent men? (more…)

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. ” How are you grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing?” he says,  ” I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!”

By now, you’ve heard the news. A nationwide public health emergency has been issued by the Department of Health and Human Services due to the recent outbreak of Swine Flu. The first cases were reported in Mexico City, but the virus is spreading quickly. Symptoms of Swine Flu include high fever, aches, and an uncontrollable desire to roll in the mud.

Here at JNJ, we know that early identification and recognition of Swine Flu symptoms are the best way to prevent an epidemic. How do you know if your facility is about to be the next ‘hot spot’? Look for these five ‘red flags’: (more…)

The doctor said I was suffering from depression.  “If it was me,” he said, “I’d go home and take my wife out for dinner and a few drinks.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I’m picking his wife up at six-thirty!”

From the fertility clinic:

Why does it take 25,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

They don’t want to stop and ask for directions!

How do you save a doctor from drowning?

Start by taking your foot off of his head…

Actual chart notes you have to see to believe:

1. The patient refused autopsy. 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a week. 

6. On the second day the knee felt better and on the third day it disappeared. 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly, also appears to be depressed. 

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1999. 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 80-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 

24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

We had a patient, recently off sedation, wake up just in time for one of our residents to do their rounds.  Hoping to assess this lady’s mental status, the resident asked,

“How old are you, Mrs. R?”

Mrs. R, smiled and replied,  “I was born in 1938.”

That wasn’t the text book answer the resident was looking for, so he asked again.  “But how old are you?”

That’s when Mrs. R  looked up and said, “You’re the doctor, YOU do the math!”

He didn’t ask her again!

Several years ago, while working nights in a one room ICU, we had an unusual night when all the patients were sleeping.  We decided to get some practice time with the Rescusi-Annie.  We hauled her up from the practice lab, unpacked her, and laid her in an empty bed. (more…)

Doctor Well, what seems to be the matter?

Patient When I called on the phone, I gave the nurse all my symptoms.

Doctor What harebrained advice did she give you?

Patient She told me to come see you!

By Blair Mignacco, RN