Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Leo comes into her own this week, bursting with energy, enthusiasm, and…oh, wait. Have you been mainlining chocolate covered espresso beans AGAIN?

Virgo

The pt c/o stool in their blood is undoubtedly going to be a hard stick — and you’ll want to make sure you’ve got a needle big enough! Preparedness is the watchword for the week.

Libra

Be patient with a colleague, Libra. Stopping to think is one thing … getting started again is the hard part!

Scorpio

Since healthcare is supposed to be all about customer service now, are you entitled to ask for a receipt from your patients? Careful, Scorpio — sarcasm can get you in trouble this week!

Sagittarius

Did you hear about the GI patient who couldn’t pass gas when people were around? He says it’s because he’s a teacher — or rather, a private tutor.

Capricorn

Patient allergies are a source of much consternation this week, Capricorn. Just remember that patient who ’suddenly’ developed a lactose intolerance. Of course, being extremely wealthy, she only drank milk from cows who were treated humanely, brushed hourly, you know— extremely pampered cows. What’s wrong with the patient? Turns out she was drinking spoiled milk!

Aquarius

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Aquarius, nothing this week will seem the least bit odd or unusual to you.

Pisces

Try Charlie Brown’s philosophy this week, Pisces: Dread only one day at a time!

Aries

Some people inspire us with their actions, and others by their absence. Sending ‘friendly’ visitors to the waiting room — or even home! — may be the best thing you can do for your patients this week.

Taurus

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Gemini

When the patient protests, “That’s not how they do it on House!” Gemini finds joy and liberation in answering, “And that’s why you’re still alive today!”

Cancer

Experience is that marvelous thing that allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cancer!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Shouldn’t there be a RR for nurses? Somewhere lovely, after the shift’s done, where cell phones don’t work, and people who enter asking you anything besides “Is that enough chocolate or would you like more?” spontaneously combust?  Cancer’s inquisitive nature and a busy week has you searching for this wonderful place — let us know if you find it!

Leo

Knowing that all bleeding stops…eventually…and that ignoring a problem can, in fact, make it go away rather permanently is part of being a nurse.  It doesn’t however apply to interpersonal relationships with colleagues, friends, and random people you know! Speak up and take care of yourself NOW!

Virgo

When the obnoxious caller rings for the third time in two hours demanding to know how Mom is doing, tell them — substituting information about your own Mother.  This is a great solution, unless, of course, your Mother has passed away.  Use your judgment, people!

Libra

The good news, Libra, is that management has your back.  The bad news is that they’re considering it as the next sharps storage unit! Document, document, document.

Scorpio

It’s well known that a very fine line separates “Hobby” from “Mental Illness” — but this week, you’re not worried about that line — you’re dazzled by what your patients do for recreation!

Sagittarius

Did you hear about the butcher down in the ER? Backed right up into the meat grinder. Not only is he in really rough shape, but he’s behind at work!

Capricorn

Capricorn fears when security is called to pediatrics. Nerves settle down when it is revealed all the trouble was simply a three year old resisting a rest.

Aquarius

What happens to GI specialists when they die? Generally, we barium. May the winds of change be a source of delight to you this week, Aquarius!

Pisces

The simplest explanation is often the best one, which is good to keep in mind when taking patient histories! It’s amazing how often and awkwardly people will fall, particularly in states of undress…

Aries

What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside! Aries, don’t get caught up in details to such a degree that you miss the big picture!

Taurus

If a patient’s refused medication, do the pills go to whoever calls dibs on them first? This can be an interesting discussion — particularly if the right ‘concerned visitors’ are around!

Gemini

Patients convinced of your superior nursing skills want you to diagnose what’s wrong with them based on the stool sample they conveniently brought from home, in the underpants they happened to be wearing. Tell them you only read tea leaves and tarot cards – anything else requires the MD’s personal attention!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Creative Cancer combines the attending doctor’s phone with a dog shock collar — if the call’s not returned in 5 minutes, ZAP! Okay, not really…but the idea’s worth raising at your next “Patient Satisfaction” meeting.

Leo

Let sleeping dogs lie, Leo – and if your pain level 14+ patient is snoring through the worst of it, well, perhaps that’s a sign.

Virgo

Make a student nurse’s day: explain why you don’t give the sleeping pill and laxative at the same time BEFORE they do so.

Libra

Isn’t it telling that doctors call what they do ‘practice’? Normally tactful Libra has a hard time holding their tongue this week, but remember: discretion is the better part of continued employment!

Scorpio

Make dietary’s day this week: call them to confirm that vegetarians can in fact eat animal crackers.

Sagittarius

Your future depends on your dreams, Sagittarius! You know what that means: naptime!

Capricorn

The family that sticks together should bathe more often! Capricorn has a challenging week, unless of course your sense of smell and gag reflex have already been removed.

Aquarius

Knock, knock, knock. Document, document, document. If someone tells you something three times, it’s clearly very important! So don’t forget, Aquarius, to knock on the door. Otherwise you’ll get an eyeful you’re just not ready for — and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been a nurse!

Pisces

Requesting a consult for an exorcist may be justified, Pisces, but remember it won’t be a popular decision. Besides, you know they don’t take the patient’s insurance.

Aries

Forget the Barefoot Bandit: you want law enforcement to capture whoever’s been stealing all of the blankets from your unit. Somewhere, someone has a building crammed full of industrial bedding…and they strike ONLY when you need just one more pillow for the crankiest patient EVER!

Taurus

Your paranoia is absolutely no guarantee that they’re not out to get you, Taurus. Conspiracy theories are addictive: watch out that you don’t become a drama-seeker!

Gemini

Coastline nurses know sharks won’t attack lawyers: it’s professional courtesy!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Clear communication is highly valued by time-strapped Gemini this week. The only trick is finding the current administration-approved method of saying, “What in the world do you think you’re doing?” Good luck with your quest!

Cancer

The visitor who insists that they’re an OR nurse and more than capable of assisting with wound care hits the floor hard after getting a glimpse under the bandage. Cynical Cancer will not find this surprising.

Leo

The heat is on, Leo! Summertime brings out the best in you…and the more creative, innovative injuries, illnesses, and attempts at self medication among your patients. Enjoy exploring what you’d never thought possible this week, except for Monday, which will be distressingly normal.

Virgo

This week will have you pondering the feasibility of developing a debilitating allergy to NG tubes as a cause for workman’s comp…the worst of what’s inspiring this will pass after Wednesday.

Libra

Nurses need to listen to their bodies, Libra! When your body tells you that it’s time to head to the beach with a pile of trashy novels and a cooler full of iced beverages, grab those sunglasses, get the sunscreen and go…who cares that you’re scheduled for another 13 hours? A week of wishful thinking goes by faster if you give yourself even a few minutes of R&R here and there — you need the break!

Scorpio

Never judge a book by its cover, Scorpio — although you might be forgiven a little skepticism when the book your patient is carrying is “101 Ways To Make Big $ Selling Hospital Supplies on eBay!”

Sagittarius

The loftier the sentiment expressed in the patient’s tattoo, the greater the likelihood of visitor-induced drama. Words to live by this week, Sagittarius!

Capricorn

Working with a nurse determined to ‘eat their young’ and find yourself on the menu? Try drenching yourself with hot sauce prior to your shift. You shouldn’t be the only one on the unit with heartburn!

Aquarius

Dreams do come true, Aquarius. Particularly that recurring dream you have about falling asleep in the waiting room and being woken up by an irate manager wearing a chicken suit. Well, maybe not the chicken suit part — but it might be a good idea to catch up on your rest!

Pisces

Your 350 pound patient sitter just sat on a frail LOL – so much for extra help making work easier! Take care to completely articulate expectations whenever possible this week.

Aries

Why is it people who have such flawed judgment and bad decision making skills spend so much time worrying about what you do, Aries? A frustrating week could be in store unless you head it off at the pass. Humor helps. Taking a week’s vacation helps more.

Taurus

The four food groups are NOT Doritos, M&M’s, Coffee and Cold Pizza. Nutrition counts, Taurus: you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you take care of others. Also you’ll feel better when you eat better! Low energy levels can be restored, particularly after a mid-week commitment to self-care.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Medical expertise confronts you at every turn, leaving Gemini wondering why so many health and wellness experts need to see the doctor so often!

Cancer

Redundancy rules this week. Teenage boys sampling Dad’s Viagra provide the proof that you can have too much of a good thing. Excitement subsides after Thursday, or really, as soon as you can put some ice on that.

Leo

A lavender, gem-studded stethoscope may not be your style, Leo — but it won’t ‘wander off’ with such regularity, either!

Virgo

The teenage patient who can text 3,500 words a minute with a broken arm needs help wiping herself. Strangely, there’s no app for that!

Libra

That nice person you met on a rare night out clubbing seems strangely familiar – and then you remember wrestling them into restraints after an ETOH on board really bad day. So much for your social life, Libra!

Scorpio

Sleepy Scorpio has low energy this week — and having a patient wander off does provide such a comfy bed…

Sagittarius

L&D Sagittarians need to be kind and NOT let new parents know that delivering the baby is actually the easiest part of parenting.

Capricorn

Boy, you can always tell when a 1,000 Ways to Die marathon has aired, can’t you?

Aquarius

This week, you will see a surgeon apologize. Resist the temptation to build a shrine at the spot to commemorate the event — no one will believe you anyway!

Pisces

Proud Pisces keeps calm while others melt down. Your sudden allergic reaction to drama will serve you well this week.

Aries

Your creativity is pushed to the limit this week, Aries. Can you make emergency formal wear out of chux, tape, and a box of extra small gloves?

Taurus

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Taurus, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Why is it that silence is golden for everyone else — but for you, absolute quiet is a sure sign of disaster? Luckily, chaos prevails through Thursday.

Cancer

Being knocked on the noggin with a lamp leaves your patient feeling lightheaded. Good luck charting that without cracking a grin!

Leo

Can one be simultaneously snoring and experiencing level 12 pain? Anything is possible, Leo, especially on Tuesday!

Virgo

Your tendency to ’squirrel away’ extra supplies against inevitable shortage serves you well, Virgo, until your colleagues discover your ’secret stash’ and start talking about calling the camera crew from Hoarders…

Libra

Despite what this week leads you to believe, terminal stupidity is not contagious!

Scorpio

Just remember that when a report sounds too good to be true, it means you’ve got a frequent flier with wandering tendencies and a spouse who thinks they are the patient and deserves all your time and attention.

Sagittarius

Surprising talents displayed by your patients inspire and amuse…except when they terrify and confuse…

Capricorn

Stormy weather dominates your stars, Capricorn, but its unclear if it’s meteorology or metaphor you’re facing. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to keep an umbrella handy.

Aquarius

Sometimes that gut instinct is your mad nursing skills and insight, Aquarius, and sometimes, it’s just food poisoning.

Pisces

Ogling a stranger’s veins may be tacky, but isn’t it easier with summer fashions, Pisces? Rejoice in the little things. They are the source of happiness!

Aries

The only certain way to achieve change, Aries, is to swallow a handful of quarters and wait. Patience is required!

Taurus

It is sometimes difficult to discern the difference between therapeutic touch and a much needed thwap upside the head, isn’t it, Taurus? This week you’ll find some nursing intraventions more tempting than others.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Communicative Gemini finds frustration in every direction this week: patients, colleagues and friends and family all seem out of sorts and unable to comply with simple requests. Fear not, they’ll be back on track by Friday!

Cancer

Trust your gut always — but especially BEFORE you try that soup from the cafeteria!

Leo

Summer loving Leo longs for ‘rollover minutes’ for nursing…come in early enough on Monday and it won’t matter if you’re late on Friday! Go ahead and make this happen and we’ll all applaud you!

Virgo

For the ultimate in infection control, stay home! It’s advice scrupulous Virgo is tempted to take themselves, not just offer up to persistent visitors…but it’s hard to be a working nurse and not get too close to sick people.

Libra

Technically, failure to take the patient’s Ativan yourself isn’t a med error. No need to document.

Scorpio

Not normally known for the warm and fuzzy advice, this week Scorpio provides critical emotional support to a colleague in need. You might not know what a difference you’re making, but you’re making a difference!

Sagittarius

If you have two men standing in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range! Laugh often this week, Sagittarius — even when it’s silly! You need the smiles!

Capricorn

If the cereal’s in the refrigerator, where’s the milk? Perhaps a little time recharging the batteries and getting some sleep is in order!

Aquarius

Sensitive Aquarius is buoyed up by unexpected compliments this week: try spreading the joy and giving those around you some props!

Pisces

If four out of five patients are suffering from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

Aries

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. And all this time you thought it was medicine!

Taurus

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Relax, Taurus. There’s no sense sweating the big stuff, either.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Faced with choices on how to handle a difficult co-worker, you discover that conventional wisdom is to ‘kill them with kindness’.  Please bear in mind that killing someone with kindness does NOT mean inflicting blunt trauma with stuffed animals…even if the stuffed animal is wearing scrubs and a tiny stethoscope!

Cancer

Realizing the scope of your responsibility as a nurse can be overwhelming — but take a step back and make sure you’re not taking responsibility for things that are completely beyond your control!

Leo

Remember that you can learn from everyone — and sometimes what they’re teaching is that ignorance is bliss!

Virgo

Don’t keep your mind so open that your intelligence falls out!  This week will present you with opportunities to change how you view nursing — and how nursing views you.  This is either exciting or terrifying.  Good luck!

Libra

Courage and fortitude aren’t just for heroes, Libra — or maybe they are, and you’re more heroic than you’re giving yourself credit for.  Bear in mind that victory is  measured in small steps, such as those that take you from the parking lot into work!  Hang in there — you can do it!

Scorpio

Want to lose 25 pounds in a hurry? Try emptying your pockets, Scorpio!  You seem to be experiencing pockets/glove compartment/storage facility confusion again!

Sagittarius

If only Home Care meant going to care for Homes…

Capricorn

The grass is always greener across the fence; the patients always nicer on another shift, the workload always less in another facility, the surgeon always less psychotic…well, no.  They’re pretty much the same everywhere, but you knew that, didn’t you, Capricorn? Delight in the here and now, and let daydreaming dwell on more pleasant things than work!

Aquarius

Spiritual discoveries delight sensitive Aquarius, especially discovering that your cell phone is missing, meaning there’s not a ghost of a chance you’ll be called in!

Pisces

Celebrate the positives this week, Pisces: you have a great opportunity to cheer up some colleagues who really need it and in the process will make yourself feel better!

Aries

Giving report can be the most challenging part of the day: try jazzing it up by adopting the mannerisms of your favorite journalist! What if you were Anderson Cooper? Jane Valez? Bill O’Reilly? Really old school? Pretend you’re Edgar R. Murrow!

Taurus

You are always teaching: remember that student nurses are watching, whether you know it or not. The next generation of caregivers has YOU for an example. So make sure they learn how to hide in the bathroom or dodge NM phone calls from the best!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Astonishingly naive questions surprise you this week; it’s up to you to decide if they’re delightful or disturbing.

Gemini

Look before you leap is generally a good idea, but when you hear that bedpan hit the floor…probably safe to go for it!

Cancer

Help your colleagues stay motivated by singing them cheerful songs, early in the shift. Sometimes it’s hard to hear early in the morning, so make sure to sing really loud. View as a bonus the extra workout you’ll get fleeing their ‘enthusiastic response’! Much of the advice you get this week will be as helpful as this horoscope; act accordingly!
Leo

Seven times you will ask the new resident to clarify what they mean, seven times will they answer. Will understanding result? Such is the mystery of medicine!

Virgo

Resist the urge to hand starch to the next patient who complains of limp nodes. If for no other reason than it’s really hard to find starch anymore.

Libra

This week, you will have to tragically disappoint a patient and let them know that a GI Series has nothing to do with military baseball.

Scorpio

Someday, a genius will develop a sedative delivered topically; right now, we applaud the ground breaking work you’ve been doing in this area with your Louisville slugger!

Sagittarius

While charting, if you find yourself typing Deficient knowledge d/t being a complete egotistical jerk and not realizing it just remember to embrace the power of the backspace key.

Capricorn

No good deed goes unpunished, Capricorn. Also, look out for surprising green puddles of unspecified fluid to appear in the least likely places.

Aquarius

Be forgiving, Aquarius, especially toward your colleagues. That will be challenging early this week, but by the end of the week, you’ll want some compassion yourself.

Pisces

It’s funny how patients who are otherwise completely oriented lose track of reality when they’ve got something to complain about. This week will make you fond of CYA charting and find you chanting document, document, document.

Aries

Technically, you can’t create a ‘low census’ by moving all the patients to the floor…don’t count on that to give you much needed time off!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Embrace the freedom of “Outside the scope of my practice” this week, Taurus…it will save you from arranging cab rides for distant relatives, distracting Baby-Daddy while the husband is visiting, and figuring out who will do the best job grooming the patient’s Pomeranian, FiFi Princess Superstar!

Gemini

Why do we see tentacles in your future? Oh… oh, dear. This week, uhm, you… no, it doesn’t matter. Just hang on. And don’t wear skirts.  Especially you male nurses!

Cancer

Quitting smoking is easy, Cancer — most people do it dozens of times!  Having patience with those facing a difficult challenge is one of your toughest tasks this week: tap into those reserves of compassion, empathy, tranquilizers…whatever you need to get through!

Leo

Looking for a confidence boost, Leo? Take a moment and reflect on how far you’ve come in the past five years: you have done amazing things, touched people’s lives, and made the world a better place.  Hold that head up high: you are AMAZING!

Virgo

You strive always to put yourself in the other person’s shoes: bear in mind that we don’t all make our way through this world walking. Expand your paradigm of understanding — but remember to be kind to yourself, none of us gets everything right off the bat.

Libra

Check the Martyr Monitor: are you trying to be all things to all people at the expense of your own happiness? We’re seeing some red flags, and perhaps your colleagues are too: the best nurses take care of their own needs!

Scorpio

Quick: who said, “If you’re going to be wrong, be wrong with confidence – most people won’t notice the difference?” No, it’s not the surgeon you’re assisting — but you keep on telling him it was the patient who wrote “Don’t Cut This Off” on every limb, appendage, and bare piece of skin.

Sagittarius

Define this term: The scenario that develops when you fail to prevent one physician from giving a set of orders that will irritate the other physician? Clue: The answer’s not Tuesday but it will sure feel like it!

Capricorn

Strange how the patients who have families who are never satisfied with ANYTHING also have very low self esteem. It helps to remember this week that you’re not the only one who’s performance is being judged; you’re the nurse, but the patient has to suffer and then recover in the way the family deems best — even if that has no relationship to reality at all! This realization makes the day easier — but it doesn’t help as much as a day off does!

Aquarius

Remember, those poor decision making skills you’re being so critical of play an integral role in ensuring you job security!

Pisces

The visitor who is sicker than the patient is ALWAYS the one who wants to discuss the patient’s care in great, close-proximity detail.

Aries

You can always tell the psychologist in any group of doctors: they’re the one watching how the patients react when the doc walks in the room! This week, you get to revel in the great knowledge you have of the doctors’ schedules, how quickly they’ll write orders and other thrilling bits of information nurses have special access to…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

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