Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Communicative Gemini finds frustration in every direction this week: patients, colleagues and friends and family all seem out of sorts and unable to comply with simple requests. Fear not, they’ll be back on track by Friday!

Cancer

Trust your gut always — but especially BEFORE you try that soup from the cafeteria!

Leo

Summer loving Leo longs for ‘rollover minutes’ for nursing…come in early enough on Monday and it won’t matter if you’re late on Friday! Go ahead and make this happen and we’ll all applaud you!

Virgo

For the ultimate in infection control, stay home! It’s advice scrupulous Virgo is tempted to take themselves, not just offer up to persistent visitors…but it’s hard to be a working nurse and not get too close to sick people.

Libra

Technically, failure to take the patient’s Ativan yourself isn’t a med error. No need to document.

Scorpio

Not normally known for the warm and fuzzy advice, this week Scorpio provides critical emotional support to a colleague in need. You might not know what a difference you’re making, but you’re making a difference!

Sagittarius

If you have two men standing in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range! Laugh often this week, Sagittarius — even when it’s silly! You need the smiles!

Capricorn

If the cereal’s in the refrigerator, where’s the milk? Perhaps a little time recharging the batteries and getting some sleep is in order!

Aquarius

Sensitive Aquarius is buoyed up by unexpected compliments this week: try spreading the joy and giving those around you some props!

Pisces

If four out of five patients are suffering from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

Aries

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. And all this time you thought it was medicine!

Taurus

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Relax, Taurus. There’s no sense sweating the big stuff, either.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Faced with choices on how to handle a difficult co-worker, you discover that conventional wisdom is to ‘kill them with kindness’.  Please bear in mind that killing someone with kindness does NOT mean inflicting blunt trauma with stuffed animals…even if the stuffed animal is wearing scrubs and a tiny stethoscope!

Cancer

Realizing the scope of your responsibility as a nurse can be overwhelming — but take a step back and make sure you’re not taking responsibility for things that are completely beyond your control!

Leo

Remember that you can learn from everyone — and sometimes what they’re teaching is that ignorance is bliss!

Virgo

Don’t keep your mind so open that your intelligence falls out!  This week will present you with opportunities to change how you view nursing — and how nursing views you.  This is either exciting or terrifying.  Good luck!

Libra

Courage and fortitude aren’t just for heroes, Libra — or maybe they are, and you’re more heroic than you’re giving yourself credit for.  Bear in mind that victory is  measured in small steps, such as those that take you from the parking lot into work!  Hang in there — you can do it!

Scorpio

Want to lose 25 pounds in a hurry? Try emptying your pockets, Scorpio!  You seem to be experiencing pockets/glove compartment/storage facility confusion again!

Sagittarius

If only Home Care meant going to care for Homes…

Capricorn

The grass is always greener across the fence; the patients always nicer on another shift, the workload always less in another facility, the surgeon always less psychotic…well, no.  They’re pretty much the same everywhere, but you knew that, didn’t you, Capricorn? Delight in the here and now, and let daydreaming dwell on more pleasant things than work!

Aquarius

Spiritual discoveries delight sensitive Aquarius, especially discovering that your cell phone is missing, meaning there’s not a ghost of a chance you’ll be called in!

Pisces

Celebrate the positives this week, Pisces: you have a great opportunity to cheer up some colleagues who really need it and in the process will make yourself feel better!

Aries

Giving report can be the most challenging part of the day: try jazzing it up by adopting the mannerisms of your favorite journalist! What if you were Anderson Cooper? Jane Valez? Bill O’Reilly? Really old school? Pretend you’re Edgar R. Murrow!

Taurus

You are always teaching: remember that student nurses are watching, whether you know it or not. The next generation of caregivers has YOU for an example. So make sure they learn how to hide in the bathroom or dodge NM phone calls from the best!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Astonishingly naive questions surprise you this week; it’s up to you to decide if they’re delightful or disturbing.

Gemini

Look before you leap is generally a good idea, but when you hear that bedpan hit the floor…probably safe to go for it!

Cancer

Help your colleagues stay motivated by singing them cheerful songs, early in the shift. Sometimes it’s hard to hear early in the morning, so make sure to sing really loud. View as a bonus the extra workout you’ll get fleeing their ‘enthusiastic response’! Much of the advice you get this week will be as helpful as this horoscope; act accordingly!
Leo

Seven times you will ask the new resident to clarify what they mean, seven times will they answer. Will understanding result? Such is the mystery of medicine!

Virgo

Resist the urge to hand starch to the next patient who complains of limp nodes. If for no other reason than it’s really hard to find starch anymore.

Libra

This week, you will have to tragically disappoint a patient and let them know that a GI Series has nothing to do with military baseball.

Scorpio

Someday, a genius will develop a sedative delivered topically; right now, we applaud the ground breaking work you’ve been doing in this area with your Louisville slugger!

Sagittarius

While charting, if you find yourself typing Deficient knowledge d/t being a complete egotistical jerk and not realizing it just remember to embrace the power of the backspace key.

Capricorn

No good deed goes unpunished, Capricorn. Also, look out for surprising green puddles of unspecified fluid to appear in the least likely places.

Aquarius

Be forgiving, Aquarius, especially toward your colleagues. That will be challenging early this week, but by the end of the week, you’ll want some compassion yourself.

Pisces

It’s funny how patients who are otherwise completely oriented lose track of reality when they’ve got something to complain about. This week will make you fond of CYA charting and find you chanting document, document, document.

Aries

Technically, you can’t create a ‘low census’ by moving all the patients to the floor…don’t count on that to give you much needed time off!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Embrace the freedom of “Outside the scope of my practice” this week, Taurus…it will save you from arranging cab rides for distant relatives, distracting Baby-Daddy while the husband is visiting, and figuring out who will do the best job grooming the patient’s Pomeranian, FiFi Princess Superstar!

Gemini

Why do we see tentacles in your future? Oh… oh, dear. This week, uhm, you… no, it doesn’t matter. Just hang on. And don’t wear skirts.  Especially you male nurses!

Cancer

Quitting smoking is easy, Cancer — most people do it dozens of times!  Having patience with those facing a difficult challenge is one of your toughest tasks this week: tap into those reserves of compassion, empathy, tranquilizers…whatever you need to get through!

Leo

Looking for a confidence boost, Leo? Take a moment and reflect on how far you’ve come in the past five years: you have done amazing things, touched people’s lives, and made the world a better place.  Hold that head up high: you are AMAZING!

Virgo

You strive always to put yourself in the other person’s shoes: bear in mind that we don’t all make our way through this world walking. Expand your paradigm of understanding — but remember to be kind to yourself, none of us gets everything right off the bat.

Libra

Check the Martyr Monitor: are you trying to be all things to all people at the expense of your own happiness? We’re seeing some red flags, and perhaps your colleagues are too: the best nurses take care of their own needs!

Scorpio

Quick: who said, “If you’re going to be wrong, be wrong with confidence – most people won’t notice the difference?” No, it’s not the surgeon you’re assisting — but you keep on telling him it was the patient who wrote “Don’t Cut This Off” on every limb, appendage, and bare piece of skin.

Sagittarius

Define this term: The scenario that develops when you fail to prevent one physician from giving a set of orders that will irritate the other physician? Clue: The answer’s not Tuesday but it will sure feel like it!

Capricorn

Strange how the patients who have families who are never satisfied with ANYTHING also have very low self esteem. It helps to remember this week that you’re not the only one who’s performance is being judged; you’re the nurse, but the patient has to suffer and then recover in the way the family deems best — even if that has no relationship to reality at all! This realization makes the day easier — but it doesn’t help as much as a day off does!

Aquarius

Remember, those poor decision making skills you’re being so critical of play an integral role in ensuring you job security!

Pisces

The visitor who is sicker than the patient is ALWAYS the one who wants to discuss the patient’s care in great, close-proximity detail.

Aries

You can always tell the psychologist in any group of doctors: they’re the one watching how the patients react when the doc walks in the room! This week, you get to revel in the great knowledge you have of the doctors’ schedules, how quickly they’ll write orders and other thrilling bits of information nurses have special access to…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

A great nurse is licensed to practice in many states: state of confusion, state of exhaustion, state of amazement.  You are a shining example to all nurses everywhere this week Taurus with your versatility!

Gemini

Asking for support is tough but necessary: eliminate feelings of overwhelm with the support of peers and colleagues.  Or, failing that, you can always consider asking for advice and then doing the polar opposite: sometimes that’s the only way to use ‘helpful’ criticism from peers!

Cancer

Biohazard protection to look for snacks in the unit fridge? Necessary — and not the most unpleasant surprise you’ll have this week.  Good luck, Cancer!

Leo

When a patient reports an allergy to scorpion venom, do not ask how they respond to other blindingly obvious items: they may feel the need to test the possibilities!

Virgo

Someone has to keep doctors from killing their patients — that’s why there are nurses.  That being said, it’s probably not a good idea to find an old Posey just before rounds….

Libra

People (and patients!) who think they know everything are especially annoying to those of us who do.  Smile and nod and the week will pass quickly.

Scorpio

Turn your annoying colleague onto the beauty and adventure of remote medical support: perhaps they will send you postcards from their new gig in the Himalayas — and even if they don’t, you’ll have the joy of knowing you helped someone achieve a dream job.  Isn’t that enough, Scorpio?

Sagittarius

A heated discussion on dress codes for nurses gets you accused of skirting the issue.  Don’t be afraid to hold strong opinions Sagittarius! You are one smart cookie and it’s okay to let the world know.

Capricorn

Integrating patient preferences into care plans is tricky when your patient believes in the therapeutic use of meth.  Think of it as a learning experience, Capricorn!

Aquarius

Is it better to be happy or right? This week you are forced to choose — but trust your gut and know that the risk is worth the reward!

Pisces

Helpful family members are the bane of your existence: watch them ‘quiet’ noisy monitors and pumps, remove ‘uncomfortable’ IVs and stomp on what’s left of your sanity. All, of course, while trying to make your life easier.

Aries

Write it down, write it down, write it down. If you don’t need your own notes for CYA purposes, you can use them later in the Great American Novel.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Your appreciation for humanity’s inventiveness and creativity will be sorely tested this week, Aries, as the manifestations of that creativity lead to conditions you’ve never seen before. Who knew you could injure yourself that badly making a Mother’s Day card?

Taurus

Working with Martyr Mary, the super nurse who never “needs” a break, makes Taurus nervous — but don’t forget, self-care and appropriate boundaries are the most important nursing skills you have.

Gemini

You know, Gemini, there are other ways to let your colleague know she’s being too catty besides giving her a plate full of Meow Mix. Are they as funny? Perhaps not…but you might want to think this one through.

Cancer

Preserving patient dignity this week? Accomplished. Holding onto your own? A little trickier, as your chart indicates a high potential for slapstick humor and vaudeville style slips and trips: watch your footing this week, Cancer!

Leo

Attempts at patient education are frustrating Leo this week, who finds themselves tempted to use the Lecture of Last Resort: Whatever you think of doing, DO THE OPPOSITE. You’ll live longer!

Virgo

Not saying that you’re burned out, Virgo, but you might want to check to see if your foot prints are ashy and smoking! Take the time this week to care for yourself and recharge some very depleted batteries!

Libra

Libra’s patience with patients wears thin this week, particularly when asked if plans to go to school to become a doctor are in your future. Luckily, projectile vomit from an unexpected source derails that train of thought: being a nurse means learning to recognize blessings in unexpected places!

Scorpio

The treatment you tolerate is the treatment you will receive this week, Scorpio. Normally assertive to a fault, you find yourself feeling unusually vulnerable this week. Just remember: never let them see you sweat. Slipping in a chunky puddle, covered with body fluids of an undetermined origin, or wearing whatever combative patient just flung at you in your hair like a meaty hair ribbon, fine…but sweat? No way!

Sagittarius

Kudos to you Sagittarius, for managing to get an entire weekend off watching House and Scrubs approved for continuing education credit!

Capricorn

Apparently, there is no protocol to remove a physician’s head from their behind. You can stop searching now.

Aquarius

Adrenaline junkie Aquarius ponders a change this week: going from nights to days or days to nights is likely to produce novelty but not the excitement you’re craving. Don’t worry: Idiot Season starts soon, and you’ll have more than enough excitement on your unit!

Pisces

You know what they say about opinions, Pisces — yet everyone keeps asking for yours. Become the mirror and reflect, reflect, reflect: they don’t want to know what YOU think, they want to know what THEY think!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

The patient’s family who whistles at you to get your attention has the audacity to be shocked when you complete the metaphor and bite them…so exercise restraint, Aries, no matter how tempting it may be. This too shall pass.

Taurus

You discover a never-fail cure for insomnia: three doubles in a row means no more sleepless nights!

Gemini

Maintaining boundaries is important, Gemini. Take the steps needed to protect your emotional and physical resources. We recommend the “Stick your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LA!” really loud method. It’s guaranteed to stop people from telling you more than you ever wanted to know.

Cancer

The days of restraining patients may be behind us, but restraining visitors? There’s an idea with merit, Cancer…just be tactful in how you present it to administration.

Leo

Look for the positive, Leo! The practice you’ll get wearing your poker face this week will allow you to clean up the next time you attend an all-night card game!

Virgo

Who knew that “If I go in that room again, one of us isn’t coming out alive!” wasn’t a movie quote but something overheard on your very unit, Virgo? It’s just like living in Hollywood! Watch out for the paparazzi!

Libra

The one great thing about a Code Brown at the crack of dawn: the day is only going to get better!

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing that you see, hear, or encounter this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

Folks who tout the value of simple language have clearly never had a chance — or a reason — to use the word prurulent.

Capricorn

Did you know that being on your feet all day can produce very close veins, Capricorn? This week will be full of patients giving YOU helpful medical advice. Make sure you learn how to prevent the dreaded fleas bite us!

Aquarius

Go-Lytely shakes your faith in truth in advertising this week, Aquarius. We hope you can make it through.

Pisces

Do not purge the nurses’ station of snack foods unless you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE that they don’t belong to anyone. You’d be amazed how fond some people are of three week old Cheetos.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Nervous about a new responsibility, Aries needs to take a deep breath and remember: this is not the first time you’ve been nervous, but you’ve made it every time thus far.

Taurus

You have to be able to care for yourself, Taurus, before you can care for others. Steal a moment to stop, breathe, center, and then it’s back to full speed ahead.

Gemini

You will be hounded for medical information by everyone you know and their best friend as a ‘bug’ sweeps through the town. If you can hold out until Wednesday before informing every one they have inflamed hypochondrial glands and a severe case of Iwantddayoffitis, we shall applaud your self restraint as a work of art.

Cancer

Relationships issues outside of work make the calm, peaceful surroundings of the ER at full throttle on the busiest night of the year seem a welcome respite. Hang in there; this too shall pass. Kind of like a kidney stone, but not as fun.

Leo

The patient who was ‘once a nurse!’ turns out to have answered phones in the animal hospital while volunteering in high school, many decades along. Learn to take your lack of surprise at this news as a mark of sophistication, and not an inarguable sign of burn out. It’s better that way.

Virgo

Minds are like parachutes, true, Virgo. They only work when they are open. But in one critical way minds are unlike parachutes, and you WILL get in trouble if you try to throw them out of an airplane. Especially if they’re not yours!

Libra

Does a hypochondriac want to have their ache and eat it too? Your week is full of tough questions, Libra, but relatively few terrible puns.

Scorpio

Not everyone is a complete idiot, Scorpio. Sometimes, parts are missing!

Sagittarius

Search the hospital directory for the psychiatric chiropractor, Sagittarius. That’s where you can send folks to have their attitudes adjusted!

Capricorn

No gift quandries for Capricorn: you already know what to give the man who has everything. Antibiotics!

Aquarius

Attempting to add more veggies to their diet, Aquarius remembers that chocolate is made from cocoa beans and is, hence, a vegetable. There will be much rejoicing, and salad will never be the same again.

Pisces

Never iron a four leaf clover, Pisces, but especially not this week! You don’t want to press your luck!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Sometimes that learning curve is a vertical line, Aries! Try to remember your student days and be compassionate. You weren’t born knowing everything, either.

Taurus

One way that computerized charting is just like old school paper charting: one misplaced cup of coffee can ruin your whole day! Be careful where you put your cup, Taurus!

Gemini

Never underestimate the power of one well placed whoopie cushion to change the entire tone of the day!

Cancer

Resist the temptation to ask your patient if they want fries with that, as they rattle of a list of things that they expect the nurse to do…they’ll likely say yes!

Leo

Patient education is particularly challenging this week, Leo. We recommend saying “Don’t DO THAT!” in a very loud voice until the message gets through.

Virgo

Setting boundaries is good, Virgo. You’ll know you’re overdoing it when you wake up family members to check their vitals — and YOU’RE still sleeping!

Libra

Consider treating the more terrible parts of the day as a game: for example, how many diseases/disorders/really bad ideas can you diagnose using only your nose?

Scorpio

Calling in Search and Rescue to find out what happened to those meds you were promised would be ‘right there’ is probably excessive, Scorpio. Understandable, but excessive. And the pharmacy would never forgive you.

Sagittarius

It’s always five seconds after you empty the bedpan that another stool sample is needed!

Capricorn

Capricorn finds themselves in ‘stealth nurse’ mode this week, to keep from having anyone who knows you, or anyone you know, or anyone they know, from asking you very detailed, very intimate medical questions. There’s a limit to what you really want to know about great-aunt-Agnes’ neighbor’s son’s girlfriend’s urinary tract.

Aquarius

Patient advocacy is job number one for Aquarius this week, followed shortly by resolving a great deal of paperwork confusion, which turns out to be job number Q!

Pisces

If you work with a lumberjack injured on the job, do you check for post treematic stress?

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Pisces

Normally Patient Pisces finds it hard to tolerate tales of emergencies that have endured for six months…right up until this morning!…and relatives who know what the patient ‘really’ needs.

Aries

It’s a fine line, deciding where a pre-teen’s desire to dress like Lady Gaga requires medical intravention. Good luck helping finding it – or persuading the patient’s parents that demonic possession isn’t a recognized diagnosis anymore.

Taurus

This week will have you thinking longingly of the relatively calm, peaceful environment other nurses enjoy; such as corrections nursing or in front line field hospitals. The situation should calm down mid-week, but make self care a priority in the mean time.

Gemini

Document, document, document.

If that isn’t a clue about how this week’s going to be, it’s the same word repeated three times.

Cancer

The fact you stopped and took the time to listen to someone transforms their entire week. Later this week, someone will do the same for you.

Leo

Creative problem solving skills come in handy this week, Leo: tap into your inner inventor and amaze even yourself! Perhaps the self-warming bedpan need not be a dream any longer!

Virgo

Have confidence in your colleagues, Virgo. Maintaining professionalism can be hard when you’re truly tested, but rest assured, you’re not the only one seeing the clear picture here. This stress will pass by the end of the week, and it is likely you’ll be able to view one colleague in particular from a new perspective.

Libra

Just remember, you’re not the first person to make that mistake. You may be the first person to make that mistake to such a degree that it requires six staff members, a lion tamer, three penguin handlers, a television news crew, and an insightful analysis by Nancy Grace, but you’re not the first person to make the mistake, and that’s what matters! Keep yur chin up!

Scorpio

Play! Have fun! Tell terrible jokes! You are a source of delight to those around you this week — or at least an unexpected chuckle!

Sagittarius

Would forcibly removing a cell phone from a patient’s ear be an advance or a step backwards in facilitating therapeutic communication?

Capricorn

No matter how many times you see a patient swallow a suppository, it never becomes routine, does it, Capricorn?

Aquarius

A “No Diversion” policy doesn’t mean you can’t play your DS during break — we won’t tell and a little first person shooter action might actually relieve some of that stress!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!