Don’t Be So Sure of Your Diagnostic Skills!
July 26, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
Two interns were watching an elderly gentleman move slowly down the hall.
“I’ll be you $5 he’s had a hemorrhoidectomy.”
“No way. He’s suffering from arthritis.”
They both approached the man to inquire.
“Why are you moving so slowly, Sir?” asked one intern.
The old man replied, “My slippers are too large.”
The Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear in the Emergency Room
July 26, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
10. It’s first come first serve here
9. What side is the appendix on again?
8. Have a seat in the waiting area and try not to scratch it
7. Dr, Have you tried googling it?
6. Open up your mouth and say $50 copay
5. Can you come back tomorrow?
4. That’s probably contagious.
3. No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express
2. This is probably going to hurt a lot.
1. OOOOPS!
Why Med-Surg Won’t Be Catering the Hospital Picnic
July 26, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
see more My Food Looks Funny
Nurse Marge in Charge
July 19, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
Dear Nurse Marge,
The parking at our hospital is terrible. There’s not enough spaces for all of the staff, never mind patients’ families and visitors. It’s been this way for the entire five years I’ve been here, and from all these memos I’m reading about cutting costs and conserving supplies, it’s going to be that way for the foreseeable future. It’s not going to change.
So tell me what do I say to all of the visitors who tell me what a horrible time they’ve had parking? I hear it every single day, from practically every visitor — I’ve had people stop me in the hall when I’m on the way to answer a call light to tell me they had to park two streets over in order to be able to drop in and see their ailing friend. I so want to say, “What would you like me to do about it?” but after five years of nursing, I’m beginning to suspect that the thing I most want to say is the thing I should never say! What do you think?
Signed,
Don’t Blame Me! I Bike!
Dear Don’t Blame Me!
Your instincts are right on, and I want to congratulate you on attaining one of the most important Nursing Skills: The ability to choke off the automatic response that any normal, sane person would give to an inane question.
You might want to try using some of your other nursing skills to address this question. Restating is particularly helpful. Try saying, “I hear you saying that you had a difficult time parking today.” Follow this up with other helpful observations, such as, “The sun appears to have risen in the East this morning!” and “Would you look at this? This glass of water is full of wet stuff!” can provide valuable reinforcement of the basic concept, and help with both comprehension and retention. It’s important that we provide this type of patient education — and people are so very grateful for the insight!
Empathy and limited self disclosure can help. State that you commiserate – and up the ante by sharing how far away you have to park, regularly, in order to make it to care for their relatives and friends. “Sixteen blocks! And there are no trains — not even a cab! You have to run the whole way! Uphill! And bears chase you! I’m not sure if they’re rabid, or if that white foam is just residue from too many Danskins chewed to bits!” It won’t make your visitor feel any better, but it will keep them entertained, and as we know, entertained visitors are visitors who put positive comments on those helpful survey cards that litter the place like so many self-referential doilies.
Learn from the MD’s: When they don’t know, they call in a consult! When that visitor stops you, immediately call in the head of buildings and grounds and perhaps the director of development. Together, you could address that pressing concern — or at least convince the powers that be that some signs addressing the parking situation should be hung sooner rather than later!
Good Luck!
Nurse Marge
Nurse Marge in Charge
July 12, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
Dear Nurse Marge,
I’ve just read a New York Times article about robots replacing classroom teachers — apparently the robot teachers do just as well as the human kind, in some respects. Now I’m worried: do you think we’ll be replaced by robot nurses?
Signed,
Not Ready to Be Replaced
Dear Not Ready,
I want you to do something very difficult now, and think like a hospital administrator. Yes, I’ll wait while you have the lobotomy.
You all set? Now let’s think through the value of robot nurses. Certainly, they may be able to do some of the tasks ordinarily performed by nurses: monitoring vitals, with nifty robot alarms that are programmed to sound when things are too far out of whack; distributing meds, robo-dialing attendings until they at long last give up the battle and pick up the phone.
Computerized charting? No problem: and there’s no need to give report. Robot nurses never need a break! They can simply retain all of the relevant patient information until discharge. Talk about continuity of care!
Robot nurses might have a real advantage with combative, abusive patients. It doesn’t matter if they get punched, kicked, or spit on: the patient is the only one who is going to feel it!
But (and this is the part where you need to think like an administrator!) robot nurses cost money. Lots of money. More than it would cost to hire an experienced RN, with superlative skills, great knowledge, and an uncontrollable urge to work every and all shifts possible. The savings inherent in hiring two or even three flesh and blood nurses to do the work of one robot nurse — well, it makes a nice little cushion in the Administration Holiday Party Fund, if you follow me.
And those abusive patients? They’re likely to sue if they bruise their knuckles pounding on Robo Nurse. You can’t expect the administration to allow that kind of risk exposure!
Finally, robot nurses would require a certain amount of supplies and parameters to work properly. A human nurse has long learned to make do — no gowns? Trade the floor below two boxes of small gloves and four pillows to restock. A robot nurse simply isn’t capable of that kind of initiative. Administrators would be forced into the completely ridiculous position of ensuring that every facility is adequately stocked with supplies, medication, and staff at all times.
Now tell me, do you really think they’re going to let that happen?
Don’t fear our robot overlords just yet. Remember: at any given time, only 1/3 of the vending machines in any hospital actually work — and if you want to know which ones, you don’t ask the computer system. You ask a nurse.
Good Luck!
Nurse Marge
Get a Life by Loretta LaRoche
July 12, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
I was in the airport restroom yesterday attempting to wash my hands while a young child about three years old stood on the counter trying to throw a hand towel into the trash receptacle.
He kept missing, but the mother kept shouting “you can do it, you know you can”, as if she was coaching a future NBA hopeful. He finally made it , which led her to go into high gear with multiple shouts of “Good job, good job, see how special you are”!
Over the years I have heard a plethora of parents using this language. Telling children their special whenever they accomplish even the most ordinary acts has become the new metaphor for parenting.
However, it doesn’t just stop with the rhetoric. Prizes, certificates of achievement and ceremonies that are akin to the Academy Awards are also part of the process to increase feelings of being “special”.
I suspect that some parents are giving their kids a gift if they get out of bed and go to school.
When did the concept of being special become so watered down and what’s the point? I know my mother loved me but I was only considered special when I did something that was beyond what I was expected to do. And even then her praise was analogous to the act. If I washed the dishes she said thank you but she did not jump up and down or do cartwheels across the kitchen floor because that was what I was expected to do.
She did manage to be more exuberant when I graduated from college which made sense since it is a few levels beyond scouring pots and pans.
I don’t remember the good Sisters of St. Joseph going out of their way to make any of us feel special. If you studied, worked to your potential and were courteous, they gave you a pat on the back and told your parents you were a good student. If not you were relegated to icy stares that made your hair fall out.
My piano teacher occasionally told me I had potential, but she never went overboard or tried to book me into Carnegie Hall. She might have if I had extraordinary potential, but she wasn’t about to delude me into thinking I did by telling me I was “special”.
The message was clear, you had to do something pretty amazing to be nominated for a prize, like discover a new planet. Here’s the bottom line, if everyone’s “special”, is anyone really “special”?
Loretta LaRoche writes the Get a Life column for the Patriot Ledger.
Can You Write an Order for a DayPlanner?
July 12, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
The patient demanded, “Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.”
“WHAT?” yelled the doctor. “Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants.”
“Well,” explained the patient, “my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized.”
Take Me Out to the Ball Game!
June 14, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
As part of the community integration goal, the residents of a psychiatric rehabilitation facility went to a baseball game — along with their aide, who prided himself on his “Tell it like it is” approach.
He’d get everyone pumped up, excited about everything. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well.
As the national anthem started, the aide yelled, “Up nuts!” And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down nuts!” And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get something to eat, leaving another aide in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, “Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
Why Was Detox Delayed?
June 14, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
The Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We’d Like to See At the Nurses’ Station
June 7, 2010 by admin · Leave a Comment
10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
9. If at first you don’t succeed…try management.
8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
7. Hang in there….retirement is only 35 years away!
6. Go the extra mile…it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
4. Administration…we waste time so you don’t have to.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
1. Succeed in spite of Administration.
What’s your favorite inspirational saying?
