Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.

So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m a RN who works in a small medical office setting. Many of our patients are quite elderly and not in the best health. I’m really blessed to work with a fabulous doctor and my fellow nurses are great — the best I’ve ever worked with!

The Georgia Germaphobe

Dear Georgia Germaphobe,

You know every office has one: a Typhoid Mary, Virus Valerie, Dysentery Dawn, Bacterial-Infection Betty-Anne — the perpetually ill colleague who just won’t call in. These folks will come to work even while they’re actively coding. You’ll be there, doing CPR for all you’re worth, and they’re on the phone, telling a patient the earliest available appointment is six months away — and that’s only if they can come on Thursday evening, if it’s raining!

While you have to admire the dedication, the truth is that working with these folks can be taxing. That’s why we ask the obvious but wrong question: How can we make them stay home? instead of How can we make them better?

Answering that question allows you to make a positive change. Think about it for a minute. Here you are: an office full of highly trained medical professionals, with years and years of training and experience focused on helping people achieve optimum health. You mean to tell me that working together, you can’t conquer your colleague’s chronic crud?

I don’t believe it. I choose to look instead to management, who have a surefire way to address any impossibility: you must form a committee — maybe even a task force!

The mission of this task force is to totally transform Typhoid Mary’s health.

One member is in charge of nutrition. They must diligently monitor everything Typhoid Mary eats, redirecting her choices as appropriate to options that are nutrient dense and high in Vitamin C. Simply saying “Wouldn’t you rather have an orange?” everytime Typhoid Mary picks up a candy bar can produce quite an effect!

Another task force member keeps track of Typhoid Mary’s physical activity. Regular inquiries about exercise routines is recommended. You can also coordinate with the office manager here: changing up job duties and routines can require lots of extra effort and wasted motion — and we know that burns calories and gets the old circulation system going!

You’ve got a doctor right there! Put him on the task force, and have him check Typhoid Mary’s condition daily. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure — throw Doc on the scale and act accordingly!

Get your most sympathetic and understanding task force member (I’m guessing this wouldn’t be you.) to be in charge of mental health. This person should monitor Typhoid Mary’s moods, listen deeply to her concerns, and provide a supportive therapeutic environment in which Typhoid Mary can exercise a range of healthy decision making strategies.

Each task force member should meet with Typhoid Mary daily, if not hourly!

I don’t know about Typhoid Mary, but after about a week of this treatment, I know I’d be staying home for sure!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.

Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!

Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.

So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’ve just finished orientation at my new job, and it turns out they left out one critical bit of information.  You can’t put anything down in this facility — your pen, your lunch, even your stethoscope — or it will come up missing!  If I hadn’t of walked by the nurse’s station at exactly the right moment, one of the residents was going to walk off with my stethoscope — and when I confronted him about it, he said, “Oh, it looks just like mine!”

When I asked him if HIS stethoscope had MY name written all over it, he just glared at me and stomped away.  I realize that medical school costs a lot of money, but if I had to shell out $250 for mine, can’t I expect him to pay for his? What is wrong with people?

Signed,

Shocked by Sticky Fingers

Dear Shocked,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on achieving Nursing’s First Realization: Orientation doesn’t tell you anything about what the job is really like.  Of course, even the best orientations won’t include the fact that many of your colleagues, whether they’re nurses, doctors, or doctors-in-training, are beset with Swipeitits – a common yet seldom discussed condition that manifests in lost lunches, stethoscopes, and more.

There has been a great deal of ‘research’ into the causes of Swipeitis, but what’s really interesting are the ways you can combat it.  Sometimes it’s necessary to forgo fashion for the sake of security: Pepto Bismol pink stethoscopes get stolen far less often than the traditional black ones. Canary yellow works well too, and don’t overlook acid green’s appeal — or lack thereof.

Get creative in your storage strategy. Think through where you leave things like lunches and bags — forgo supposedly safe locations like employee lockers and the breakroom, opting instead for innovative, little used spaces, such as the storage area for small gloves. That’s got to be perpetually empty, as most facilities haven’t had an adequate supply of gloves since 1931.  Of course, this will mean having to leave the floor to run to your secret storage spot every time you need your stethoscope. In some lights, this could be seen as a drawback…but only in some lights.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.

Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!

Nurse Marge might not have all the answers, but after *ahem* years as a RN in some of the nation’s toughest hospitals, she sure knows how to make up something that sounds right! We get lots of questions here at JNJ, from nurses looking for advice and guidance and Nurse Marge has graciously agreed to answer them for us.

So with that, let’s turn the floor over to Nurse Marge!

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m a new nurse, having just graduated in December and finally landed a job. The problem is this: I’m young (23) and I look even younger than that. I mean, I get proofed to buy lottery tickets! This is turning out to be a problem: no one at the hospital is taking me seriously. Not the doctors, not the other nurses, and not even the patients! Last week, I had one of them ask me to ‘go get a grown up to take care of my Mother’!

Yours, Too Young in Three Rivers

Dear Too Young,

This is a problem? That I should have such problems! I’ve got uniforms older than you…

Seriously, the nice thing about this issue is that it’s self-resolving. You may look young now, but trust me: two years on this job, and you’re going to find yourself being offered senior citizen discounts when you go out to eat.

My advice? Take them. 10% off all these meals adds up!

If you don’t want to wait for the stress induced gray hair to mask your lack of years, here’s some tactics you can take to make your fellow nurses and the occassional doctor take you more seriously. I can’t promise this will work on every doctor, I’m a nurse, not a miracle worker!

First, it’s all about the attitude. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to act seriously. Confidence matters — a lot! Bear in mind that some of your fellow nurses were once in the same boat you are in now: we were all new nurses once. Of course, for some folks, that might mean they’ll have to stretch their mind back to the dark ages to remember that fact — but it’s true, never the less!

Second, the trick to a long career as nurse is to never miss an opportunity. When you’ve got a patient requesting a ‘grown up nurse’ — go find them one. Trust me, that’s not a patient you’re going to enjoy dealing with. Why not make them happy and hook them up with someone of more advanced years than you? Of course, if that nurse you find happens to be the one who gives you the roughest time about being the new kid on the block, well, some lessons just keep on giving, don’t they?

Simply smile, tell them the patient wants a grown up, and ‘You’re the most grown up person on the floor!” I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Have a question for Nurse Marge? Simply email it to her at Cindy@journalofnursingjocularity.com and our fearless editor will pass it along to her! Chances are good she’ll answer it in an upcoming column. Nurse Marge in Charge updates every Monday.

Also: Our lawyers insist that Nurse Marge’s advice and opinions are only that — advice and opinions. Use them at your own risk!

Dear Nurse Marge

Please don’t print my name with this letter. I don’t want my co-workers to know about this situation. But I really need help.

Panicked by Penises!

Dear Panicked,

Honey, it’s not you. It’s them. There are some patients who have a seeming uncontrollable urge to show off their nether regions any time a nurse is around. Trust me: this is happening to your colleagues, too. There are a number of ways to handle this — one nurse I work with does a great, “That’s completely inappropriate” that’s so icy cold we’ve had to treat her patients for subsequent hyypothermia — but my favorite approach is to use humor. Consider trying some of the following:

I’d be happy to look at your penis, sir, but I can’t seem to locate it.

We have a great new program that provides tweezers for exactly that purpose! Here you go!

I’ll be happy to do that — right after we get you assessed for the nerve damage that’s paralyzed both of your hands!

Don’t let it throw you. Every nurse finds her own way to deal with this issue, and that’s good, because it’s sure to keep popping up.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge

I’m hoping against hope that you can help me, Nurse Marge, because I absolutely DO NOT know what to do.  I’ve been a ER nurse for 12 years, so it’s not like I’m inexperienced here, but this situation has me banging my head against the wall.

Here’s the situation. It’s very late Saturday night — very early Sunday morning — and then we get a patient who’s had a very bizarre gardening accident.  It was the type of accident that left the patient with a large cucumber lodged within her backside.  This is why you shouldn’t weed the garden at night, apparently.

But here’s the thing: the patient just happens to be married to my husband’s business partner.  She actually didn’t  SEE me, as far as I know. (She had her face buried in the pillow — and who could blame her?)  I handed her chart off to a buddy, and moved on to another patient, who thankfully had steered clear of the produce aisle.

But here’s the problem.  While the patient didn’t see me, I know for an absolute fact that her husband DID.  He instantly recognized me (we socialize with this couple regularly!) and his face went so red he could have doubled as a sharps container!

I haven’t said anything to my husband…but you know we’re going to wind up hanging out with this couple SOON.  How in the world do I handle this?

Signed,

In a Pretty Pickle!

Dear Pretty Pickle,

For once, HIPAA is your friend!  There’s really nothing you can do in this situation EXCEPT pretend like it never happened.  You saw nothing, you know nothing… you certainly SAY nothing!

Of course, this only works so well.  You know what happened, and THEY know you know what happened.  They’re likely far more mortified by the incident than you’ll ever be.  Make it easy to move past this incident by avoiding conversations or situations that could make them remember what happened.  That’s what  a good friend would do.

For example:

Under no circumstances host a garden party this year.

If you’re having dinner with this couple, it’s okay to decline seconds — but don’t do so by saying, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!”

Avoid the farmer’s market, at least while  you know they’ll be shopping.

It’ll take a little while for this situation to fade from memory — yours, at least — I don’t think SHE’LL be forgetting this incident, ever — but if your friendship is strong enough, and you keep silent and professional at all times, eventually you’ll be able to put the whole incident behind you.

As long as you don’t give in to temptation and buy them a Salad Shooter for Christmas.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

What do you say to patients when they ask “When are you going to become a doctor?” I get this all of the time (it might be because I’m a male nurse but some of my female colleagues get it too!) and I never know what to say!

I’m Good With Being a Nurse, Thanks!

Dear I’m Good With Being a Nurse, Thanks!

Immediately after my lobotomy.

That’s my answer of choice, although you have to be careful not to share it with patients immediately in front of a doctor! The public doesn’t realize that nursing is a highly skilled profession; any opportunity we’re presented to change that image is a good one — provided, of course, you’re not doing any of the seven million other things that come into the typical shift, including the channel-changing, pillow-fluffing, call-light answering, family-member herding that appears to be the lion’s share of the day and that trivial nonsense of saving people’s lives.

I turn to you, my readership: I know you’re funny folks! What do you say when people ask when you’re going to be a doctor?

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’ve got a question for you: cap or no cap? Some of the older nurses I work with say wearing a cap made the patients treat them with respect, while others say they were nothing but a pain in the you-know-where. I’ve never seen anyone actually *wearing* one so maybe they were more inconvenient than they’re worth — what do you think? I’m more than half tempted to get one, but I love that retro style!

Cap Curious

Dear Cap Curious,

There’s a school of thought that says an all white uniform, with the hose and cap and pin, created an impression that absolutely demanded respect. Of course, none of the people who say that are actually old enough to have worn that regalia — or if they are, let’s just say that the years elapsed have allowed a pleasant fog to obscure the fact that while our clothes have changed, our patients have not. The patient who says Thank You and is a joy to work with is still the same — and the obnoxious type that wants to feel you up doesn’t care if you’re wearing nurse white or pediatric purple panda print: they’re going to grope whatever they can reach.

Like the old school look? I say go for it — but don’t forget to celebrate the freedom you have to NOT wear that cap as well. The respect our profession commands comes not from our uniforms but from our performance, and that’s what really matters.

Well, that, and the fact that managing the laundry is much easier when everything’s not white.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

It’s the strangest thing: The nurses I am working with keep getting younger and younger! I’ve only been a nurse a few years, which means I have the *same* amount of experience on the job as my colleagues, but I have decades worth of life experience that they don’t yet. It makes things weird: I’m having a really hard time ‘fitting in’ with my peers, who are just getting married, starting families, and so on. How should I handle this?

Signed: The Old Lady

Dear Old Lady,

Don’t sweat it: those young whippersnappers are getting older every day! In time, they’ll realize the same benefits you have right now: a greater sense of understanding what your patients are going through, experience dealing with the many different types of people who are related to or visiting your patients, and the sure knowledge of exactly what motions will make your sore back already worse.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a lot in common with your colleagues right now:those bonds and commonalities will develop as you work together. It doesn’t matter if your fellow nurse has a toddler and you’re a grandmother — when you’re covering the patient who just doesn’t understand that getting out of bed right now is the worst possible thing he could be doing, you’re going to bond. Look for those opportunities to laugh together: they’ll show up every shift!

Rather than shy away from the age difference, use it as a way to create humor. I tease some of my colleagues about being younger than my nursing cap — heck, I tease ALL of my colleagues about being younger than my nursing cap — and they ask me if Jean Watson was really that saintly in person!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m back to work after having my first baby. He’s perfect, 8 weeks old…that’s not the problem. It’s me. I seem to have lost my mind. I can’t remember ANYTHING. We’re talking perpetual brain fog here. My colleagues say it is common. That I shouldn’t be worried. That this happens to every new mother – but I’m petrified I’m going to make a med error or other mistake. What can I do?

Brain Fog!

Dear Brain…What did you say your name was again?

I don’t want to make light of what’s happening to you. The baby brain fog syndrome is very real, and very troubling, especially for nurses. There’s so much we have to remember, and such serious consequences if we forget.

The thing is, it doesn’t get better. Wander around your unit, and listen to your nurses. Some of them have children who are thirty years old, and they’re still looking for the whatchamacallit they left by the thingie; not the white thingie, the blue thingie.

Chances are, you know exactly what they’re talking about, and you can help them find it. This is because they’re in an advanced stage of what you’re experiencing now; where you move past the discomfort of not remembering things and learn how to get things done anyway. You’re not losing your memory, you’re gaining a new way to view the world.

There’s a name for this, but I’ve forgotten what it is.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge