Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Dear  Nurse Marge,

Why are nurses so bad at taking care of themselves?  We KNOW everything there is to know about keeping healthy and yet so many nurses smoke and drink.  One of my co-workers is a very non-compliant diabetic: she fainted once at work two years ago and even now doesn’t eat the way she should.  It just blows my mind!

Signed,

Common Sense

Dear Common Sense,

Why would people who:

• spend most of their time caring for others
• in an exhausting, demanding environment
• where resources are scarce
• support even rarer
• who have the constant pressure of economic uncertainty hanging over their heads
• schedules devised by “management professionals” throwing darts at the calendar at random
• patients who expect miracle diagnosis and treatment all in thirty minutes or less

while balancing the needs of their family, partner, and pets sometimes fail to take less than ideal care of themselves?  I’ve no idea.

Do you know what comes right after common sense in the dictionary? Compassion.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I’m a new RN, and have been working on my unit for just over a month. Yesterday, I had a patient call out to me from the waiting room that he was having a seizure. I found him, twisting and jerking uncontrollably – and carefully using his feet to push himself away from the wall whenever he got too close to hitting his head against it.

Novice Needs To Know!

Dear Novice,

What would an experienced nurse do? Pretty much what your colleague did. What would an experienced nurse WANT to do? That’s another question.

I’ve always been fond of applause, myself. Faux seizures make me want to put my hands together and clap! Great performances should be appreciated!

Another way to handle this requires coordinating with some of your colleagues. Write numbers on blank papers and hold them up: give them a score! Of course, this means someone has to be the Russian judge…and never award more than a 3 or 4.

The drawback to this method is that it encourages people to try for their personal best! When Ativan and Diluadid are the gold and silver medals in the ER olympics, the competition can get fierce!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

How much do people remember, really, when they’re coming out of anesthesia?

Working in recovery, I’ve heard some incredible things. Most of it’s actually pretty funny. All of the filters come off and people say exactly what’s on their mind: people think our docs are really good looking and they want to run away with them, for example. (That’s when we know they’ve gotten the REALLY GOOD drugs!)

Other times, people come ‘out of it’ talking about their biggest fears: they’re really scared, and of course we do our best to calm them down and comfort them.

But I don’t know what to do about one particular instance where a patient really spilled the beans after her operation.  She was telling me all kinds of things, in great and graphic detail.  Really personal stuff. That’s not the problem: the problem is that she’s a cashier at the grocery store where I shop.

Every time I cash out, she looks at me and I can tell she’s uncomfortable.  I’m thinking it’s because she’s worried about what she  might have said while she was out.  I try to pick another row to check out always — but this makes it look like I’m avoiding her.  I don’t want to have to change grocery stores — but I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, either!  I know they say Versed makes you forget, but I’m pretty sure she remembers.

Help!

Signed,

What Should I Do?

Dear What Should I Do,

Relax.  There’s any number of reasons this woman could be unsettled by your appearance that have nothing to do with what she did or didn’t say while coming out of anesthesia.  It could be as simple as her knowing you knew she had surgery.  We might be used to seeing people in various stages of undress — but that doesn’t mean that our patients are used to being seen that way!

It might not have anything to do with you at all.  She might stare at everybody — or you might look exactly like the girl she used to know two jobs ago, and she’s trying desperately to remember your name.

The best advice is to act like nothing ever happened. If she brings it up in conversation (which is going to be tricky while she’s scanning your coupons!) try my method.  Here’s what I say: “Absolutely I remember you! What a singing voice!  I have to tell you, every time I hear “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” I think of you, singing your heart out and smiling from ear to ear!”

If that doesn’t match what SHE remembers….well, there are worse things.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I work in a LTC facility, and as the holiday season approaches, I’m getting a little nervous about Mister Jones.  You see, Mister Jones is a sweet, sweet man, but he’s got some issues.  And those issues come out swinging as the holidays roll around.  Mister Jones never married, and as soon as the holiday decorations come out, he decides that all he wants from Santa is a bride.

Guess who he’s picked?  For the past two years, I’ve had to tenderly but firmly decline his offer of marriage. He tells me how romantic a holiday wedding could be…much to the delight of my colleagues.  It’s become a running joke (never where Mister Jones could hear it of course!) but frankly, it’s getting a little old. I feel bad for Mister Jones, it’s sad he’s never had anyone, but enough is enough!

What should I do?

Signed,

Bah Humbug

Dear Bah Humbug,

You are overlooking the value of what you have in front of you, Bah.  A single man who WANTS to get married? Forget about foisting off his advances; he’ll never be able to get close to you once you let the more romantically inclined ladies in your facility know about his existence. They’ll surround him completely, and you’ll have all kinds of breathing room!

If you were completely unethical and in need of holiday cash, you could ‘arrange’ some match-making introductions…not that I would ever suggest such a thing…

Or if you’re not ready to set up Mister Jones, you could fall back on the tried and true methods of deceit and misdirection.  Simply pick up a cheap diamond ring (Try Craigslist, legions of the formerly employed are making jewelry sacrifices that make have given the gentleman from the Diamond Exchange severe angina.  I know, I saw him last week twice.) and slip it on for the duration of the holiday season.  If he asks, just mention something about a wonderful holiday surprise and leave it at that.  After the holidays, sell the ring (or keep it: a girl can never have too many diamonds!) and say, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be!”

For extra bonus points, you don’t REALLY have to let your oh-so-witty fellow nurses know it’s all a ruse.  Let them speculate; maybe you’ll get a bridal shower out of the deal. Just rewards, if you ask me.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

This is the first year I’m working Thanksgiving.   I’m not really thrilled about it, but I guess it comes with the territory.  I want to have the best holiday possible even if I have to work.  My co-workers just roll their eyes and say “Good luck with that!”  Can you let me know what to expect? Are they right? Am I doomed to have a dismal Turkey Day?

Signed,

Happy Holidays?
Dear Happy Holidays,

Being away from home on the holidays is tough, but it does have its positives as well.

Look at it this way: any Thanksgiving you spend working is a Thanksgiving you’re not stuck at the table with Uncle Know-It-All and Aunt Isn’t-It-Time-You-Get-Married-Dear?  For some reason, I could never tolerate them as well I can handle Isn’t-It-Time-For-My-Pain-Medication-YET and When-Will-The-Doctor-Get-Here, who NEVER miss a holiday in the hospital.

One of the best things about Thanksgiving in the hospital: You don’t have to cook ANYTHING and all the dirty dishes are someone else’s problem.  You don’t have to worry about the bird being thawed out in time (despite popular rumor, however, it’s really NOT possible to get a last-minute thaw by throwing your frozen gobbler in the MRI!)(Please don’t ask how know I this.)If your unit does a pot-luck meal, there’s no pressure to actually produce home made goodies like Grandma used to make.  Simply buy something attractive from the bakery and tell everyone “It’s better this way. Trust me.”  Nurses will believe you when you say this, while relatives never do.

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

Nurses are supposed to have ‘iron stomachs’ and most of the time, I do.  But if the patient has lice — you can’t get me out of that room fast enough!  I don’t know what it is, but the creepie crawlies in the hair – especially the body hair! – gross me out, sometimes to the point where I lose my  lunch.  Is there something I can do to get over this?  It’s an issue that isn’t exactly uncommon in this area.

Signed,

Creeped Out By Creepy Crawlies

Dear Fed Up,

I’m right there with you.  It really bugs me when a patient has lice.  Just seeing them makes me feel like they’re crawling on me. Of course, isn’t that just the typical nursing experience:  You see bugs, you feel bugs crawling on you.  You look at hot guys in the scrubs catalog, you feel bugs crawling on you.  We just never get a break.

Some nurses are only bothered by very young bugs — they won’t hang around eggs or grubs one nit-picking minute longer than they have to.  Other nurses loathe the aged bugs.  I get that.  Ant-iques aren’t for everyone.

But honestly? I know it’s hard, but we just have to get used to it.  Some of our patients are going to arrive with extra passengers aboard!

Lice are here to stay.  In fact, some people believe that insects are destined to take over the earth.  Haven’t you heard of global worming?

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

What do you do about a constant complainer? One of the nurses I work with complains about EVERYTHING.  She’s in the NM’s face every other minute about this thing being wrong or that thing being wrong…and when she’s not complaining to HER she’s complaining to us. Most of the time it’s stuff we can’t do anything about — like “Why do they send us all these patients on a night when we’re already busy?”

You can’t ignore her, either, or she complains about “Some people think they’re too good to have a conversation!”  It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to listen to this stuff all day long!

Signed,

Enough Already!
Dear Enough Already,

Your constant complainer may be operating under the “The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Oil” premise, which leads foolish people to complain in the belief that this will get them what they want.   However, there’s nothing in that sentiment that specifies the type of oil or the temperature!  You might want to point that out.

At least then she’d have something worth complaining about!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

There’s  this nurse I work with — let’s call her Sad Sally.  Sad Sally is always in a tight spot. She needs gas money, lunch money, money to keep her lights from being shut off.  And she knows I’m a softy, and whenever she’s got a sob story, she comes to me.

At this point, I’ve probably “lent” her close to $200.

Realistically, I’m never going to see a dime of this money.  How do I get her to stop asking me — or how do I say “No” without feeling like a horrible person?  It’s not that the $10 here or there matters all that much; it’s the fact that she needs this money ALL OF THE TIME!

Signed,

I’m Not A Bank!

Dear I’m Not A Bank!

Well, my first thought is you could change your name tag to the sobriquet you’ve used to sign this missive.  Subtle touches like this are particularly effective, I’ve found.

Or, you could act as if you’ve suddenly developed psychic powers the minute Sad Sally approaches you.  “Oh, oh, wait…it is becoming clear to me.  You have a need…a need for bacon!  No.  No, that’s not it. You have a need for a yellow evening gown!  That’s not it either?”  With practice, you can extend your psychic performance for the duration of an entire shift.

Or you could give Sad Sally a way to pay you back that doesn’t involve cash.  This might be the best solution, plus you won’t have to ask your NM for a new name tag.  Here’s how it works:

Someone has to call miserable Dr. X to have him clarify the potentially fatal orders he’s written, even though it’s 3 am…that’s got to be worth at least $10.

Want to swap off the patient who’s last acquaintance with SOAP was the third grade spelling bee?  Knock another $50 off your debt ledger.

Need someone to cover your unscheduled but absolutely urgent day off so you can see Your Favorite Band Ever play live? Call it even!

This can work out really well — Sad Sally has a way to pay you back, and you feel like you’re getting something for the  money.  No one has to be the bad guy!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Dear Nurse Marge,

Annoyed in Albany

Dear Annoyed,

Why does your aunt ask you instead of her doctor? Well, for one, it’s cheaper than paying for an office visit and ignoring what the doc has to say! She doesn’t have to drive to the office, make an appointment, or deal with insurance paperwork.

In fact, I’ve got a few questions for you myself…

Seriously, you can help your aunt cut down on calling you by charging her a small fee every time she calls. (I recommend $20 — just like a co-pay!) And make sure to only take her calls when it’s a time convenient for you. That’ll cut down on your resentment at being ignored…and all those $20s can fund your own retail therapy program!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge