Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

Tension and stress can’t be completely eliminated by the use of remote-control cars, but it’s still worth a try.  Tap some of your buddies, and you can set up your own version of the brickyard behind the nurses station!  Hold off on the checkered flags, though — they’re likely to be considered a bit over the top.

Libra

Romantic concerns make it hard to focus on the workplace.  Rather surprising, especially for those of you who are cardiac nurses…it’s all hearts, people!  Things should settle down or blow up completely by Friday.

Scorpio

Don’t ask what that slimy substance your patient is slathering on their wounds.  They believe it will eliminate scarring, and this is one time where it’s just much better to let your know-it-all resident explain about the glories of infection.

Sagittarius

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Sagittarius, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Capricorn

If your completely immobile, pain level 45, unable to wipe her own butt patient can make it to the shower for a quick cigarette, Capricorn, don’t you think you can deal with what’s bothering you? You’ve dilly-dallied long enough.

Aquarius

Those strange rumbling feelings in your stomach? They’re called hunger, Aquarius: this week it will be imperative to eat before your shift — the stars don’t reveal many opportunities for long, leisurely meals during it!

Pisces

A quick slip near the patient’s bed, a deft leap over the tangled IVs, and a tuck and roll to avoid the crash cart and guess what? You’ve made the Olympic Tumbling Team, Pisces! This week holds unexpected opportunities, but it’s important to make the most of them.

Aries

Sweet dreams are yours, Aries — if you can let the job go for a while and sleep! It’s hard to maintain proper boundaries, especially this week. Practice leaving the job at the job if you want family peace and harmony.

Taurus

Confidence becomes an issue for normally stalwart Taurus. Don’t look to patients for reassurance that you’re doing a good job — you’re only as good at the last pain killer! Real validation comes from colleagues and from yourself.

Gemini

You can do anything you set your mind to, Gemini! You feel invincible this week, with the world at your fingertips. Capitalize on this fresh burst of energy to get things done — but don’t take the invincible thing to heart, otherwise, you’ll wind up in the ER with all the other invincible people!

Cancer

Your stars are full of references to memory and nostalgia, Cancer. You may find yourself looking backward, examining old motivations, choices, and situations from days gone by. Don’t get trapped in the history; the future holds more promise. This will be clear by week’s end.

Leo

If your unit had a soundtrack, what would it be? Put together a play list for your team, Leo. This will serve as an admirable distraction from everything else destined to happen this week, and that’s a good thing. Music can soothe the savage soul – and if you can get that hot young resident to dance along, so much the better!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

Feeling slightly melancholy this week, Virgo? No surprise, considering your charts: bittersweet recollections of things you used to do before you became a nurse haunt you. Try not to think about those wonderful days when you slept, or ate at normal meal times, or celebrated a holiday on the same day as the rest of the world…like all things, this mood will pass. Probably by Thursday.

Libra

Alleviate tension by treating yourself well: have a friend massage stiff neck and shoulder muscles, steal some time to watch your favorite TV show or read. These measures will help you deal with having the DON as your patient…or worse, their Mother in Law!

Scorpio

You’ve heard of ER shopping? Now patients are bargain hunting for regular procedures. Even though it’s tempting, we don’t recommend you tell your frequent fliers about the Buy-One-Opinion-Get-Another-One-Free promotion your *favorite* practice is supposedly running…you know they’ll track that tidbit right back to you!

Sagittarius

Tired of political chatter from your patients? Your stars are full of debate and drama; we recommend not wearing your “You! Out of the Gene Pool!” t-shirt to work.

Capricorn

We know you’ve been plagued by decorating worries, Capricorn — but this week holds an unexpected joy. The projectile vomit delivered by bed four is EXACTLY the shade of green you need for your floor tiles. Just don’t tell the guys at Home Depot what they’re trying to match!

Aquarius

Oh, Aquarius. You thought you’d left the Swine Flu behind you. And now you’ve got a patient convinced they’ve caught the Panda-demic from their toddler’s black and white plushie. Kudos on keeping a straight face! This week will be strong with the funny; enjoy it if you can!

Pisces

Your wandering patient can not and should not be used to test your new ‘find my car keys’ gadget. Although there’s nothing barring you ethically from adapting the technology, finding venture capitalists, creating a new product and enjoying untold riches…in which case, please remember your favorite horoscope caster! The stars are ripe for innovation, creativity, and financial bliss.

Aries

Minimally invasive procedures are strongly preferred by most patients. Good thing, since your eagle-eye assessment will pick up on many often-missed conditions like chicken pox, measles, and mumps. Your chart is full of spots: I’d make sure all your immunizations are up to date — or at a minimum, avoid Dalmatians!

Taurus

Interpersonal communications are high priority, Taurus: many misunderstandings can be avoided through clear communication. Although we’re with you — few concepts are apparently as tricky to get as NPO means Don’t Eat Anything!

Gemini

When your patient shows you the doctor’s Facebook page, don’t look. There are some sights you just can’t un-see — and trust us, the pic from his beach getaway is one of them!

Cancer

Time management is an issue this week, Cancer: the experts recommend delegating as many tasks as possible, which would be lovely if you had someone to delegate tasks to! We’re working on the device that will allow you to be six places at once: until then, hang in there!

Leo

What’s that spring in your step, Leo? Is vacation on the horizon? Do you actually have days off on the schedule? Or is the secret joy in your heart romantic in nature? Those around you sense something is up — but you’re right to play it close to the vest: letting too many people in on the news will jeopardize your happiness.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

Did someone tell you this was a holiday weekend? You know what that means: barely contained chaos…and that’s if you’re at home. If you’re working, things will be nuts — challenging, exciting, and well worth while — but nuts! Things calm down after Thursday. A celebration of some sort promises unforeseen delights.

Libra

Nervous energy, frayed nerves, nervous tension: normally balanced Libra has a tough week in store. Don’t worry about losing your last nerve, however: surely someone is standing on it for you!

Scorpio

Just when you thought you’d seen everything, Scorpio, a patient tries to enlist you in their multi-level marketing program (can we say Amway?) en route to the operating room. As tempting as the offer might be, the smart move would be to say “No thanks…” and run!

Sagittarius

Pharmacists are reporting being under an increasing amount of stress. Shame on you, Sagittarius, for your dogged determination to give patients the medication they need at the time they’re supposed to have them! There. That should resolve the unwarranted feelings of guilt you’re likely to be carrying this week. Let it go: you’re a great nurse but that doesn’t mean you can solve all of the world’s problems.

Capricorn

Being open to new adventure is a great characteristic; however you might want to look closely at your personal definition of adventure. It might be time to push the envelope a little further than trying the cafeteria’s ‘special’. (Then again, depending on your cafeteria, maybe not!)

Aquarius

There is no limit to what the human mind can imagine. This week, you’ll see this play out in your unit, where patients and visitors come up with exciting new ways to make sure you never get *bored* and your colleagues dazzle you with something you only suspected possible.

Pisces

When in doubt, write it down. Back to school sales will have pens on sale; stock up.

Aries

A surprising turn of events leaves you in charge of your entire facility for the day. You have the power to hire, to fire, and to straighten things out. Enjoy! Ok, it was a nice pipe dream: your urge to take charge and impose some sort of order will trouble you this week. Focus on changing what you can, and let the rest go. The problems will still be there tomorrow.

Taurus

Truthful Taurus has a tough time with liars this week: whether it’s the patient who ‘forgets’ that they ate a cheeseburger despite being NPO or the charge nurse who claims they never got your vacation request — which you submitted months in advance, in triplicate, taped to a twenty-dollar bill! Stay calm, take deep breaths, and stick to your guns.

Gemini

If you are a psychiatric nurse, Gemini, this week will hold no surprises for you.

Cancer

The best way to beat stress and enjoy life is to develop the ability to laugh at yourself. This is prime time for you to learn that lesson, Cancer: this week will be full of chances to find the humor in some awkward locations. Congratulations — we think!

Leo

This week you’ll get an unexpected compliment. The Power Pudding you delivered did the trick — and those thank yous from the patient…well, they’re not sh***ing you, if you know what we mean! Good job!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

We know an apple a way keeps the doctor away, Virgo…but even buying out the produce department of every grocery store for a thousand miles won’t keep you from running into trouble with your ‘favorite’ doc. Remember: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. The real question is, why do you want all those flies?

Libra

Your entrepreneurial spirit takes center stage this week, Libra: custom masks to coordinate with scrubs through flu season may be the next big thing…

Scorpio

It’s going to be a great week, Scorpio! Use your therapeutic communication skills as often as possible: either you’ll gain great insight into everyone around you or they’ll find you so annoying that they leave you alone and you get some much-needed peace and quiet! Either way, you win!

Sagittarius

Trust us. Nothing you find in the hospital gift shop will convince your sweetie that you didn’t forget their special day. Make the detour on the way home and get something else: it’ll be totally worth it.

Capricorn

This is your week for unexpected gifts, Capricorn. You just have to learn to recognize them. Moments like the in-service on circumcision counseling for new parents being unexpectedly cut short? Enjoy them!

Aquarius

Carefully progress through delicate conversations early this week, Aquarius, and the remainder of the week should be smooth sailing. Be too forthright right off the bat, and headaches will follow you all the way to the weekend.

Pisces

Be open to unexpected opportunities, Pisces: that rambling patient who is intent on telling you every moment of their life history in real time may actually be a time-traveler sent back from a catastrophic future to save humanity from itself. Or, conversely, telling your NM that you think that’s the case may get you the week off!

Aries

The good luck continues for Aries this week. Share some of your cheer by telling funny stories to coworkers and colleagues: they can use the lift.

Taurus

A patient is brought in with chronically rolling eyes, which sounds horrible until you discover she’s 15. Sometimes we pathologize ‘normal’ behavior. Your exceptional good sense will help you keep perspective!

Gemini

Something strange is going on, Gemini, be ready for anything. This includes boating accidents for those of you in the land-locked Midwest, skiing difficulties in the desert, and more…Remember to take notes: writing a best selling memoir is a vital part of your retirement plan!

Cancer

Mental acrobatics are required to keep on top of everything required of you this week, Cancer: you’re the star in the Cirque du Soliel of charting! A quick wit and prophylactic doses of Tylenol make it bearable — as does the knowledge that smooth sailing awaits once this week is over.

Leo

Career planning never stops: you find yourself assessing options and planning your next five years this week, Leo. Even if nothing is changing, this is an exciting time: you’re determining your destiny!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Hypochondriac hunters who’ve heard that DEET contains neurotoxins will flood your facility and tie up the phones this week, Leo, not realizing that anyone who willingly spends time sitting in a duck blind at four am wearing camouflage drinking lukewarm coffee already has brain damage issues to worry about.  Try not to let them bug you.

Virgo

The only things that will go wrong this week are those things not under your immediate, direct control. Whether this is good news or a horrific vision of the future is up to you.

Libra

Increasing life expectancies is supposed to lead to happier people: this comes from researchers who have never worked a day in a geriatric ward in their life.  Issues with the chronologically-challenged plague you this week, but hang in their: these folks have been around long enough to know where all the bodies are buried…let them tell you stories and you might learn some very valuable information.

Scorpio

Stress management dominates your charts, Scorpio: take some time to take a nap, indulge in favorite activities, and get some laughs. Although it might be smarter not to do this at work — particularly if the favorite activity is throwing darts at surgeons. 

Sagittarius

Be open to all possibilities, Sagittarius, including the possibility that you’ll get to use the bathroom at some point before the end of your shift!

Capricorn

Smiling at your patients can make them feel better, Capricorn…but smiling as you tell them they’re already maxed out on pain meds and can’t have anything for a few hours? That could be hazardous to your health. We recommend track shoes, to deliver bad news quickly and flee the room.

Aquarius

This week will present you with an unexpected opportunity to learn about your co-worker’s reaction to stress.  Strategic use of video cameras may allow you to capitalize on this: we understand America’s Funniest Videos pays $100 for every clip they use.

Pisces

Pisces who are looking for work may find this week particularly encouraging: possibilities lurk in unexpected corners.  Already employed? Keep your ears open: a promotion or positive change is likely, particularly after Wednesday.

Aries

Keep smiling, Aries: it’s the only way to keep people from knowing you have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

Taurus

Your attention to detail leads to an unpleasant discovery this week, Taurus, leaving you with a difficult choice to make.  Try to balance the need to CYA with compassion for a co-worker; at the end of the day, you’ve got to trust your gut.

Gemini

Confusion surrounds you Gemini!  Effective communication MIGHT help, but we rather doubt it: luckily, your week will be so busy everyone will have the situation sorted out before you know it.  The situation will resolve after Friday — which is great news if you have the weekend off!

Cancer

Never underestimate the power of a bad idea, Cancer!  You’ll see the strength of stupidity this week, as your patients present you with problems you’d never imagined possible. Just remember: document, document, document!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Patience is the watchword of the day. You might try taping tongue depressors to both the top and underside of your tongue: this will keep you from biting it off. When patients ask about your altered appearance, you can tell them it’s a new kind of supplemental fiber therapy: that’ll keep them from complaining about being irregular!

Virgo

You’ve been admired for your stick-to-it quality, but this week, your patients will seem determined to make things adhere to you! Fast feet MAY help you dodge projectile vomit, flying bedpans and globbulous matter of an undetermined nature, but we wouldn’t bet on it.  You may want to re-think your devotion to the white uniform concept…

Libra

An open mind is not the same as an empty mind, Libra: be careful not to scoff at those things you find less than logical or rational this week. Surprising news will make you reconsider long held positions before the week is through.

Scorpio

The old man muttering about how blue dogs bite wasn’t in need of the full rabies protocol, Scorpio…slow down and make sure you understand all of the facts before you start to fix the problem. Impatience is your greatest challenge, until Friday, where fashion becomes problematic.

Sagittarius

Surprisingly sweet-natured this week, Sagittarius, you find yourself handling the challenges life hands you well. Suspicious co-workers may snag a blood sample and run the labs, suspecting diabetes! Don’t worry: this won’t be a recurring problem.

Capricorn

Generally, it’s better for the voices outside of your head to be louder than the voices inside your head, Capricorn, but this week you’ll be wishing for the opposite. Earplugs help, but only minimally.

Aquarius
If you are a psychiatric nurse, Aquarius, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Pisces
The inservice where the administration is talking about how WONDERFUL it will be when all medical records become digitized is probably not the time to point out the doctors who still haven’t figured out their own cell phones. Just saying…

Aries

Beauty captivates you this week, Aries: your imagination and heart are transfixed by a vision both unexpected and inspiring. Treasure this moment, it will help you remember why you do what you do in a week unusually filled with gastro intestinal upset.

Taurus

Focus on the front line: everything immediately in front of you this week Taurus will be immediately important. It’s a go-go-go environment, but you’re more than prepared: you may even enjoy the faster than usual pace. Or you’ll be too busy to notice how stressed you are! The situation calms down by Thursday.

Gemini

Entirely too many funny things will happen this week, Gemini: mirth and laughter surround you, if you are open to joy. Jump start the fun by sharing jokes with the people around you: they could use the lift in spirits.

Cancer

Yes, you can tell that cranky patient, doctors, nurses, and everyone associated with their care is just ‘making it up as they go along’. What other way is there to make it up?

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Euphoria’s natural as your birthday approaches, Leo: the start of a new year is always an exciting time. Remember to hold onto common sense while charging full speed ahead: sometimes those wet floor signs are there for a reason! Slips and pratfalls may form the basis of slapstick humor…but we’re guessing that’s not how you want to celebrate your natal day. Exercise caution while having fun.

Virgo

Motivation dominates your charts this week, Virgo: why do you choose to do what you do? Attention to detail and a passion for patients are easy answers, but you need to dig a little deeper. What’s really driving you? You’re not going to be content until you find the answer to this question.

Barring that, flip through random charts until you find a diagnosis that fits you :-) You’ll feel better when you have a label.

Libra

Elegant negotiations surround you this week, Libra, as your patients struggle with family members who want them to change their medication/refuse their medication/take their medication. Enforcing visiting hours helps tremendously…as do transparent ear plugs that block the majority of the pleading (which is already falling on deaf ears) from troubling you!

Scorpio

Your ability to recognize innovation is unparalleled, Scorpio. But your ‘baloney’ detector is equally fine tuned: when that visitor tells you the box of syringes he’s attempting to purloin are for a needle exchange program, trust your judgment. Your expression alone will make sure he gets the point.

Sagittarius

Is it mild traumatic brain injury when the patient’s been hit in the head with a jar of non-spicy salsa? It is while pondering this medical mystery that you develop a sudden craving that can only be solved with tacos. Looking at your stars, all we can say is skip the refried beans!

Capricorn

Financial woes concern you, Capricorn: not necessarily directly, but in the lives of those near and dear to you. Try to balance sympathy with prudence: your first urge is to help everyone else out, but you need to make sure your own situation is secure.

Aquarius

While you might normally be concerned by the sight of someone hiding under the bushes in front of your facility, chanting, “You can’t see me, you can’t see me!” you don’t have to fret this time. It’s just the head of your unit, trying to avoid a budget meeting.

Pisces

Stay away from the cafeteria. Pack your lunch. Sidestep the vending machine. Do whatever you need to do this week to ensure food safety: a gastro-intestinal horror show lies waiting in the wings if you don’t.

Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone knows nurses don’t have time to eat.

Aries

Aries is strangely joyful this week: a return to basics may sound boring but give you great joy.

Or, it could just be the new scrubs. Whatever floats your boat!

Taurus

Researchers tell us that there’s a direct relationship between intelligence and rates of knee injury. Apparently, the dumber you are, the more likely you are to hurt yourself. Taurus will read this news and immediately begin planning a career move to the research arena, because you’ve known this particular bit of information FOR YEARS!

Gemini

Fluid and changable are words that generally appeal to Geminis — but not when it comes to personal boundaries. In a week where everyone wants something from you, make sure you’re not overextending yourself.

Cancer

Here’s a great idea, Cancer, seeing as you’ve let yourself get roped into yet another committee: Make up mock surveys, six to eight questions, and go around interviewing everyone. Ask what you REALLY want to know about them…how much money they make, how many times they’ve been married, how many martinis they’ve had before coming to work in the morning…when they balk, glare at them and say “It’s on the SURVEY…” Not only will you get some great insider info, but you’ll never be asked to work on the holiday party planning committee again!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes Just for Nurses

Cancer

It’s not just organ recipients who worry about rejection, Cancer! Feeling particularly thin skinned this week? Try to remember that many slights are inadvertent; there’s no larger force at work out to make your life miserable. Well, except for JCAHO. They are out to get you.

Leo

Some people meditate to lower their stress levels, or exercise, or medicate tension away. Not you, Leo! This week you funnel lots of nervous energy into creative endeavors: we’re not sure the world is ready for a five-part stage show set in a renal center, but if anyone can make it work, it will be you!

Virgo

Crazy is as crazy does, Virgo. Just something to keep in mind this week: you may want to look at your own behavior before you’re too critical of patients…or administration!

Libra

A clear perspective allows Libra to take in the blindingly obvious with ease this week; perhaps the mystery of Grandpa’s missing medications could be best solved when considering the arrival of his sulky, silent teenaged grandson…who departed without saying a whole lot of anything. Steer clear of intrigue in those areas of your life that really matter: trivial matters allow you to exercise your brain power without causing irreparable rifts.

Scorpio

Never say never, Scorpio. This week allows you to try exciting new things. The route to adventure is clearly marked! Of course, it is identical in appearance to the route to disaster, so choose carefully…

Sagittarius

Sagittarians familiar with the basic concepts of reincarnation may find themselves wondering exactly happened in the past lives of colleagues and patients to justify their present condition. While that’s entertaining, focus on the here and now — or you might come back as a charge nurse!

Capricorn

If it crunches when you step, DON’T LOOK DOWN. The stars aren’t clear about what all you’ll be stepping in, but from here, trust us: you really don’t want to know.

Aquarius

In between a rock and a hard place — that’s where you’ll find your sense of humor this week, Aquarius: great tension and stress will calm down mid-week, allowing you to laugh at what seemed traumatic earlier. Well, that, or finding the boss’s kareoke performance on YouTube…

Pisces

Insomnia is on the rise, meaning more middle of the night runs to the ER or calls to the nurse hotline. As tempting as it might be to ask your patient WHY they decided that 2 am was the ideal time to remove the bee’s nest from the attic, trust us: some answers, you can live without! Curiosity killed the cat — and it can do quite a number on an unwary RN!

Aries

Stretching your wings, testing your options, considering other avenues: usually decisive Aries finds themselves on the edge of a major life change. Don’t fear the cautious approach: sometimes diving headlong into a new project results in a neck brace!

Taurus

Your 98 year old patient’s relative is worried that allowing them to eat meat will increase the chance they’ll get dementia. We had something witty to say about this, but we forgot what it was. Looking at your stars, you might find yourself in a similar situation: eloquence is not your strong suit this week…when in doubt, leave it out…you can slip the pt. a steak after visiting hours are over!

Gemini

Playing video games increases brain health…or at least that’s what the resident will tell you when you track him down to clarify an order. Forgo the temptation to show him your favorite sport (kickboxing!) if for no other reason than he might know about your World of Warcraft addiction.

Horoscopes Just for Nurses

Cancer

Your bubbly personality is the whole reason you’re asked to give so many sponge baths…really! In a quest for efficiency, you can fill a water gun with shampoo (and delousing soap!) but be advised that that’s *not* actually what some of your patients were hoping for!

Leo

Stormy and short-tempered, you are a real joy to be around this week, Leo. Destress soon, or risk ruining your health: either you’ll code out or your long-suffering coworkers are going to hit you upside the head with a bedpan!

Virgo

Verbatim charting of the doctor’s orders may be entertaining, Virgo — until the MD sees that you recorded his wish not to be called unless the patient spontaneously combusts. Minimize stress for yourself by using a little of that Virgo perfectionism to learn how to write exactly like somebody…anybody…else when making these entries!

Libra

Video games feature prominently in your stars, Libra…we’re not sure if it’s the new Cardio Health Wii that’s got you so pumped or the fact that pediatric patients can track their blood sugar on the Nintendo DS. But we do know that administration’s not going to buy the hours you’re spending playing World of Warcraft as continuing education credit or independent research! Nice try!

Scorpio

In a week that has more ups and downs than an elevator, you remain a source of calm stability. This either means you’ve been taken by aliens and replaced with a lifelike replica, or you have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Either way, good on you! You’re serving as an inspiration to everyone around you!

Sagittarius

If you are a psychiatric nurse, Sagittarius, nothing this week will seem unusual to you.

Capricorn

Feeling a little discouraged about financial issues, Capricorn? Recent news indicates that taller people earn more money: we advocate strapping on the super high heels to rake in the big bucks…

Aquarius

Researchers have discovered that abruptly stopping pain medication results in increased pain reported by patients. Savvy Aquarius sees an opportunity: if you act now, you can get a grant to research if abruptly dropping heavy rocks on patient’s feet has the same effect!

Pisces

Complimentary medicine does not mean congratulating your new patient on their projectile vomiting abilities, Pisces — although we must agree, drenching the annoying resident in green chunky bits o’ breakfast is indeed worth ten points! A little tact might be in order — residents tend to stick around longer than their patients!

Aries

A playful spirit and natural sense of wonder fills your days, Aries: kudos for celebrating what’s good in life, in the face of what would normally be an overwhelming week. When in doubt, Relentless Optimism in the Face of All Reality is the way to go!

Taurus

Into every summer, some rain must fall, Taurus. And it seems like this week, into every shift, a patient’s going down…your stars are calling for plush floor coverings to be installed EVERYWHERE to make for soft landings. Failing that, you could use the paperwork you’re behind on to cushion the fall. You see — rainclouds DO have silver linings!

Gemini

Your listening skills will take center stage this week; an acute ear can be the best diagnostic tool going. Unless, of course, that’s the psychic hotline your patient has on the cell phone — that’s where the insider info is. Who needs ultrasound imaging?

Horoscopes Just for Nurses

Cancer

Your stars are full of anxiety and worries for the future, Cancer — and it’s not just the potential ban on Vicodan and Percocet that’s got you freaking out.  Experts recommend exercise and meditation to relieve stress: we suggest disconnecting all of the call lights to achieve the same result!

Leo

There’s a drive on to create ‘greener’ hospitals, Leo — but they mean reducing the facility’s carbon footprint — not finding innovative new uses for your recent ‘Code Brown!’  Ten points for originality — but don’t be surprised if your suggestions aren’t implemented.

Virgo

Frustrations abound this week, Virgo: you struggle to keep your temper in check.  Remember, especially those of you who are training/preceptoring/mentoring that the official description of nursing is NOT “Saving Patients From Their Doctors” — at least not where admin can hear you!

Libra

Researchers have discovered that drinking five cups of coffee a day has reversed some signs of Alzheimer’s in mice.  Coffee loving Libras rejoice — until that pesky Libra logic forces you to ask: what, exactly, do mice have to remember?

Scorpio

Contratrian Scorpio has a real challenge this week: Is the fact your doctor is performing e-mail consultations with his patients bad medicine — or a lovely way to ensure you see him less? Rest assured, your high-tech doc is just as adept at ignoring texts as pages!

Sagittarius

Children dominate your stars this week, Sagittarius.  Pediatric nurses may be plagued by parents worried about puberty arriving too soon, too late, or not at all…whereas the rest of the profession is innundated by supposedly adult patients acting like cranky toddlers.  In other words, situation normal!

Capricorn

It’s West Nile season, but not for you, Capricorn…you’ve got a boutique, informed, assertive, special snowflake who is sure she’s got the first documented case of East-by-Southeast Nile Virus.  This will require one-on-one, not to mention a sitter and continual family support: better take those prophylatic doses of Tylenol now, before the FDA gets their hands on them!

Aquarius

The Fourth of July may have been and gone, Aquarius, but your chart is full of fireworks!  Be wary of interpersonal conflict — but willing to let yourself go with love: sometimes the risk is worth the reward!

Pisces

At some point this week, one of your patients will be masturbating in an unexpected location. If you’d like to avoid thoroughly unpleasant surprises (for according to your stars, it WON’T be the patient who bears an uncanny resemblence to the good looking contestant from “So You Think You Can Dance”) avoid going anywhere unexpected.

Aries

Great news Aries!  Doing your charting this week will inspire you to write the Great American Novel: you just have to make your plot half as ridiculous as your charts, and your characters a little more in touch with reality than your patients…no one would believe your reality if you dressed it up as fiction!

Taurus

Your patients think you’re an angel — but don’t start polishing that halo just yet!  An uncharacteristic — or at least underutilized — mishevious streak gets hold of Taurus this week: pranks, hi-jinks, and groan-worthy jokes are the result.  Laugh it up: you could use the break in the tension that’s been surrounding you, and everyone else could use the smiles as well!

Gemini

Be open to new relationships — although not necessarily with the skeevy patient who tries to grab your butt while you’re taking his vitals!  That’s safe to sidestep…perhaps your nimble footwork will gain you a secret admirer!