Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

The holiday season surrounds Sagittarius with good tidings and cheer — if only you could take a moment to stop and enjoy them! Midweek worries melt away as a special event approaches: relax, you’re stressing more than you need to.

Capricorn

No, Capricorn, that’s not Christmas fudge the new admit is covered in. Your optimism is a beautiful testament to the power of the holiday season, though!

Aquarius

They say nurses eat their young, and we know your tummy’s rumbling, but you’re making the unit nervous carrying around that bottle of barbecue sauce!

Pisces

At some point between Tuesday evening and Thursday afternoon, the continual holiday music being played in your facility will drive you completely bonkers, at which point you will have no alternative but to do a soft-shoe dance routine down the hall! Be prepared.

Aries

The truth will be revealed this week, Aries, and although you might not like it at first, it will turn out to be the best gift you get all season.

Taurus

Ever notice how the changes that are supposed to make your life easier, your charting faster, your patient satisfaction higher, and your thighs thinner actually make things more complicated in the long run? The trick is to design a system that would change everything back to the simple, efficient way you used to do things and then sell the administration on it…

Gemini

Frustration and anger disappears this week in a sudden burst of laughter. Invite joy into your life, and all the troubles that have been plaguing you will fall into their proper perspective. (Although calling in in order to watch the entire season of SCRUBS probably won’t endear you to your co-workers!)

Cancer

Is there a problem you can’t fix, Cancer? You’re called for all kinds of situations this week: TV remotes that don’t work, lights that burn out, spills in the hallway, clogged toilets, and more — and that’s before that silly life-saving stuff you call work!

Leo

On a rare moment away from work, a random stranger will ask you a deeply involved, very personal medical question. As much as it is an imposition on your time, it is your sworn duty to inform them of the 73,000 Deadly Serious Diseases that manifest exactly the symptoms being described and urge them to the hospital before their limbs fall off. If and when the patient sees you after the fact, deny ever having the conversation. This will perk up an otherwise relatively boring week.

Virgo

What do you know? They were out to get you. This week, you’ll be picking up the pieces of someone else’s mistake, correcting other people’s errors, and generally saving the day. It’s a good thing you’re Super Nurse!

Libra

Your charts are full of inspiration and artistic expression, Libra…that’s why you can’t stop singing carols all day long. But you might be rendered speechless by a surprising development on Thursday.

Scorpio

The newest non-invasive stress test? Mention to your patients that there’s only 11 days til Christmas! That’ll get that pulse rate right up! It’s Scorpio’s week for innovative health care techniques.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Just soak up the absolutely astonishing entertainment value and you’ll be great .

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

While “Too stupid to live” might be technically accurate, it’s not the most politically correct thing to write on your patient’s chart, Sagittarius. You’ll be happy you exercised restraint when you discover exactly who that idiot is related to!

Capricorn

There’s been an outbreak of Hilton Syndrome at your facility; that toxic, highly contagious condition that leads patients to believe they’re actually staying at a luxury hotel and not in a hospital. Symptoms include requests to plump up pillows, open and shut curtains, and make the room mate’s monitoring equipment beep less often (actually, if it’s not too much trouble, could you just shut that off…) Your patience will be tested, Capricorn, but you are made of stern stuff and shall do well, aside from one wobbly moment on Thursday.

Aquarius

Frustrations mount early in the week, Aquarius, and needless stupidity angers you. Mitigate stress by taking time out to do things that make you happy. A brief respite will provide the much needed recharge your batteries are longing for!

Pisces

Entitlement is the issue of the week, Pisces, as manifested by your very wealthy patient’s meltdown when you have no medication samples to give them. Make it work for you: after listening to that nonsense, you’re surely entitled to a quick ten minute break to restore your sanity!

Aries

This week provides you with an opportunity to educate your fellow nurses. How else would they know you can do a triple somersault after slip-sliding through a puddle housekeeping ‘missed’ and still land on your feet? I don’t know if they’re going to believe your claim that you did an assessment at the same time, but it’s worth a shot!

Taurus

Six romantic proposals this week, Taurus, and only five of them from people who didn’t realize those gowns can actually be tied closed… You’re the belle (or babe!) of the ball.

Gemini

Cleanliness is next to Godliness…so the next time you go on a mission to find some kind, any kind, of cleaning supplies for the unit, try looking next to the chapel! If they’re not there, perhaps they’re sold in the store down the road from the Church or Synagouge. It’s worth a shot…

Cancer

When the patient presents with an ambition deficiency, a list of convenient allergies, and nebulous, unspecified pain, you get one point. When they tell you they’re allergic to male nurses (if they’re male) or female nurses (if they’re female), it’s another point. And so on and so on, until they’ve accumulated enough points to win a free trip back home! (Or your shift ends, whichever comes first!) If anyone questions your score-keeping, tell them Bravo is filming you for a new reality TV show.

Leo

Negativity swirls around your facility this week, Leo, but you’re not going to buy into that. You’re going to walk away from the gossip, side step the back biting, and ignore all of the nonsense. Or you’re going to learn to be really, really discreet. One of those two things will definitely happen.

Virgo

Just because you’re paranoid, Virgo, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Document, document, document. Tape record reports and double check EVERYTHING. Once you’ve driven everyone around you crazy, you’ll be fully qualified to take on a fact-position for a major media outlet. We hear Fox news needs someone.

Libra

Appearances are deceiving, true, but sometimes it’s okay to trust your judgement. This week will present you with an interesting opportunity to put this to the test. (Yes, we’re talking about selecting snacks from the unit holiday party…what did you think we were talking about?)

Scorpio

As much as your fellow nurses are annoying, it’d be nice to SEE some of them as you run from call light to call light, crisis to crisis. Understaffing makes it easy to appreciate other’s good sides and ignore those annoying traits. So when everyone gets over the flu/vacation/holidays/the economic downturn, make sure you let them know how much you appreciate them!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Really.  For true guidance, you want the i Ching.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Scorpio

You’ve heard of vicarious trauma? Now’s the time to explore vicarious joy, Scorpio. Turn those keen eavesdropping skills on in search of the joy — and give yourself permission to laugh at other people’s jokes, smile at their stories, and so on. (Okay, you can be subtle about it…this time.)

Sagittarius

Communication troubles occupy Sagittarius this week. Some hospitals are moving toward distributing iPhones to make in facility communication easier, but not yours. Nope, you lucky thing! Your administrator saw the promo for “The Men Who Stare At Goats”, thought it was a documentary, and ordered you all to begin developing your psychic communication skills! Good luck!

Capricorn

It’s hard to tell who’s feeling worse this week, your colleagues or your patients! We understand you’re trying to stay healthy, Capricorn, but setting up isolation protocols at the nursing station is sure to ruffle some feathers.

Aquarius

Document, document, document. If it all turns out to be unnecessary, you’ll have improved your typing skills. And if it is necessary, well, you’ll be glad you had it written down.

Pisces

Joy is to be found in the small moments this week, Pisces. The way a patient squinches up their face when you stick them…it’s exactly how they’ll look when they’re 110! Stuff like that. Enjoy them.

Aries

This week, you will once again refrain from strangling the co-worker who remarks it would be nice if someone did something about keeping the unit tidy for a change. And this is good karma, which is all that will save you from tripping face first over someone’s trash and breaking your nose. Congratulations!

Taurus

Your stars show that you’ll leave one little scrap of paper maybe on the floor and someone who can’t be bothered to watch where they’re going will trip on it and all kinds of drama will result. Unless, of course, you could distract them BEFORE they trip and avoid the entire accident. Maybe it would be wise to engage them in some sort of activity — maybe straightening up the unit?

Gemini

A clean desk is a sign of an untidy mind. Gemini revels in the creative clutter of the workplace this week, a veritable productive flutter of charts and orders and restocked supply cabinets. That is, of course, until the second hour of the workweek. It’s all down hill from there, we’re afraid.

Cancer

Supportive family members are great. That way, when Granny decides to take a leap up out of bed, do an Olympic-worthy dive, and start heading for the floor, they can catch her! This week will be an exercise in seeing the positive.

Leo

Attention loving Leo will enjoy this week, where every patient has their finger permanently pressing on the call button, every caller wants to know how “Mom” is doing, every order needs clarification and there’s a doctor with lots of Very Important Questions that have to be answered STAT!

Virgo

You will encounter unexpected hostility today, Virgo; remain calm and stick to your guns. It might take some doing to convince your drug seeking patient that you gave them their meds or your insistent visiting family that Grandma really *doesn’t* need to get up and stretch her legs — but you can do it, and you’ll carry the day!

Libra

Never underestimate the power of one well-placed whoopie cushion to improve a unit meeting.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Scorpio

Flexibility and nerves of steel are required to handle the many changes that surround you this week, Scorpio! We know how much you “LOVE” change — but look on the bright side: H1N1 inspired visitor restrictions cut down on the number of annoying family members you have to tolerate!

Sagittarius

The nursing shortage occupies your attention Sagittarius — whether it’s an attempt to discern why you can’t find a job or how the winners who work on your unit DID!

Capricorn

Administration-type experts have decided the best way to alleviate pandemic-induced stress is to offer nursing staff the opportunity to attend classes and complete stress-management exercises — in other words, more work! Don’t be surprised when the powers that be reveal themselves less than enthusiastic about your alternate plan of playing paintball in radiology.

Aquarius

Projectile vomit? No problem. Slimy diarrhea explosion just before you sit down to your lunch of chili and beans? You don’t even blink. But the news that Kate Gosselin is planning on returning to nursing since the whole TV thing isn’t working out so well? It’s enough to make a nurse queasy — good luck holding onto that lunch!

Pisces

Frustrations melt away when you discover the secret to getting everything done: just ignore all those pesky patients with their codes and medications and need for human contact, and you’ll find the paperwork practically does itself! Pisces struggles with time management this week, but don’t sweat it: you’re one nurse who DOES have their priorities in order!

Aries

A sweet outlook on life makes the days fly by, Aries…but you’ll want to test your blood sugar and make sure that you’re fully oriented to reality at least a few times.

Taurus

Be open to possibilities, Taurus. Set aside your cynicism and pre-conceived notions. That way you can experience the delight of fresh discovery as humanity reveals its more — inventive — side of itself to you this week.

Gemini

If you’re getting ideas for NEXT Halloween’s costume from this morning’s admissions…well, points for creativity any way. This week your chart is full of inspiration and artistic endeavors. We just can’t guarantee that that particular wound really will look good in latex.

Cancer

If you are a psychiatric nurse, Cancer, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual to you.

Leo

Interpersonal communications are difficult, Leo, but that has nothing on the problems you’ll have with monitors, pumps, computers and phones. You’ll begin to think it’s you, but it’s not…it’s just technology failing in the face of your magnetic personality!

Virgo

Hold onto your dreams and ideals, Virgo…they’re what keep you going in the face of drama, pathos, and administration initiatives. Well, that, and watching out for slippery surprises on the floor!

Libra

Given the chance, Libra, where would you go and what would you do? Don’t be afraid to dream big: this week holds the potential to make life-changing decisions! Or, barring that, there’s a pretty good payout on the state lottery…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Libra

Respect is a reciprocal relationship. Hold firm to your boundaries in a week where doctors demand to be handled with kid gloves, patients tell you you’re the most sadistic being to ever walk the face of the planet, and there’s just nobody who can fill four understaffed shifts but you. Things improve marginally after Thursday, but it will be hard not to let the doctors get your goat.

Scorpio

More than three surprising things will happen this week, Scorpio! We hope you’re prepared. Remember that you don’t have to handle everything alone: draw on appropriate resources and share the load as much as possible.

Sagittarius

What’s worse, Sagittarius – a patient who unhooks everything to go for a smoke — or the one who comes back and tries to hook themselves back up before you notice? Understanding the full range of possibilities makes it easier to keep perspective in what is likely to be a rough week.

Capricorn

Watchful and wary, Capricorn has a week full of near-misses and what-ifs ahead. Clear communication is essential; there are parties who have their own agendas. Remember that when a visitor just ‘happens’ to have Grandma’s pills in their hand…

Aquarius

You’re surrounded by sick people this week, Aquarius — runny noses, high temperatures, horrid coughs as far as the eye can see — and that’s just your co-workers!

Pisces

Nothing bonds nurses like sharing anti-anxiety medications…I mean, chocolate and coffee! Look forward to a week full of bonding opportunities!

Aries

Memories dominate your stars this week, Aries: did you remember to sign out that chart? Did you remember to log that order? Did you remember to disable the call light in bed six? Keep track of the important details and life will be easier.

Taurus

There is only one thing you can control, Taurus, and that’s your attitude. Hold onto that through a week full of twists and turns, and you’ll be just fine.

Gemini

When in doubt, snap the incriminating picture of your NM when you see her out on the town. It makes getting that vacation time much easier. More ethical Geminis might choose to delete the pic — but you don’t have to let anyone know that, do you?

Cancer

Never underestimate the power of one well placed whoopie cushion to change the mood, Cancer. This week is your chance to shake things up a bit; create joy and laughter whenever possible. Your smile will make a difference.

Leo

What does a 375-pound, 6-foot tall male nurse do to stop others from ‘borrowing’ his stethoscope? Why, he gets one in bright pink! Innovative thinking appeals to creative Leo; go outside of the box to get your way!

Virgo

Fresh beginnings always cheer you up: If you can’t shake these doldrums, go to the nursery and check out all the babies. If that doesn’t do the trick, listen to them cry for a while — and rejoice that your patients at least can say what’s wrong!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Libra

It’s a very fertile time for Libra, which could mean creativity and inspiration abound. It could also mean something else, which your L&D colleagues could clue you in on. Contrary to popular belief, not everything is contagious!

Scorpio

Short-tempered Scorpio will have a rough time this week, as all of your patients have received extensive medical training from Oprah’s Dr. Oz and know from obsessive watching of Scrubs what life in the hospital is SUPPOSED to be like. Relief arrives as season premieres give way to reruns.

Sagittarius

End of the world fervor makes your normally calm, sedentary unit a little more chaotic than usual. Point out that the Mayans have predictions right up to the year 4870 and see the waters calm. (This strategy has the added benefit of being true!)

Capricorn

Yes, it is tempting — but calling in a search and rescue team for the doctor who doesn’t return his pages is a bit over the top. Wait another fifteen minutes just to be sure before you call!

Aquarius

A long-lost acquaintance will turn up in a surprising situation. This may be uncomfortable, but professionalism will carry the day. Sudden onset amnesia might make both of you more comfortable!

Pisces

Animals abound in your chart, Pisces, so be ready! You might have a patient who insists that their companion chimpanzee helps with chronic depression or an emergency admit who brings some little buddies along for the ride. It’s hard to tell from here — but after Wednesday, you’ll know!

Aries

Have compassion for the new nurses, Aries. You were young once too, and needed help. You may be more intimidating than you realize. Offer assistance: it will be gratefully accepted.

Taurus

Time away from the job reveals unexpected surprises: food can be served (and consumed!) while hot! Bathrooms can be accessed when needed, without several hours delay! Revel in these discoveries — but don’t try to tell anyone at work, they’ll never believe you.

Gemini

Conversations surrounding immunizations are likely to grow a little pointed; sidestep the sharp language and let others needle each other. You don’t need the aggravation this week!

Cancer

Doctors are examining a new condition during which nurses develop an inability to hear their phone ring when they’re away from the job. Volunteering for the study might provide some extra income, but likely won’t smooth any thing over with your NM; decide wisely!

Leo

Seeking creative challenges, Leo may find themselves open to a new hobby. Try figuring out what your patient’s tattoos are supposed to be — or once were!

Virgo

When your patient tells you their profession is Medical Marijuana reviewer and they have a long and convenient list of medical allergies, it’s hard not to be cynical. Don’t beat up on yourself too much for lost naivete: it’s probably the last place you left it!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

Feeling slightly melancholy this week, Virgo? No surprise, considering your charts: bittersweet recollections of things you used to do before you became a nurse haunt you. Try not to think about those wonderful days when you slept, or ate at normal meal times, or celebrated a holiday on the same day as the rest of the world…like all things, this mood will pass. Probably by Thursday.

Libra

Alleviate tension by treating yourself well: have a friend massage stiff neck and shoulder muscles, steal some time to watch your favorite TV show or read. These measures will help you deal with having the DON as your patient…or worse, their Mother in Law!

Scorpio

You’ve heard of ER shopping? Now patients are bargain hunting for regular procedures. Even though it’s tempting, we don’t recommend you tell your frequent fliers about the Buy-One-Opinion-Get-Another-One-Free promotion your *favorite* practice is supposedly running…you know they’ll track that tidbit right back to you!

Sagittarius

Tired of political chatter from your patients? Your stars are full of debate and drama; we recommend not wearing your “You! Out of the Gene Pool!” t-shirt to work.

Capricorn

We know you’ve been plagued by decorating worries, Capricorn — but this week holds an unexpected joy. The projectile vomit delivered by bed four is EXACTLY the shade of green you need for your floor tiles. Just don’t tell the guys at Home Depot what they’re trying to match!

Aquarius

Oh, Aquarius. You thought you’d left the Swine Flu behind you. And now you’ve got a patient convinced they’ve caught the Panda-demic from their toddler’s black and white plushie. Kudos on keeping a straight face! This week will be strong with the funny; enjoy it if you can!

Pisces

Your wandering patient can not and should not be used to test your new ‘find my car keys’ gadget. Although there’s nothing barring you ethically from adapting the technology, finding venture capitalists, creating a new product and enjoying untold riches…in which case, please remember your favorite horoscope caster! The stars are ripe for innovation, creativity, and financial bliss.

Aries

Minimally invasive procedures are strongly preferred by most patients. Good thing, since your eagle-eye assessment will pick up on many often-missed conditions like chicken pox, measles, and mumps. Your chart is full of spots: I’d make sure all your immunizations are up to date — or at a minimum, avoid Dalmatians!

Taurus

Interpersonal communications are high priority, Taurus: many misunderstandings can be avoided through clear communication. Although we’re with you — few concepts are apparently as tricky to get as NPO means Don’t Eat Anything!

Gemini

When your patient shows you the doctor’s Facebook page, don’t look. There are some sights you just can’t un-see — and trust us, the pic from his beach getaway is one of them!

Cancer

Time management is an issue this week, Cancer: the experts recommend delegating as many tasks as possible, which would be lovely if you had someone to delegate tasks to! We’re working on the device that will allow you to be six places at once: until then, hang in there!

Leo

What’s that spring in your step, Leo? Is vacation on the horizon? Do you actually have days off on the schedule? Or is the secret joy in your heart romantic in nature? Those around you sense something is up — but you’re right to play it close to the vest: letting too many people in on the news will jeopardize your happiness.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

We know an apple a way keeps the doctor away, Virgo…but even buying out the produce department of every grocery store for a thousand miles won’t keep you from running into trouble with your ‘favorite’ doc. Remember: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. The real question is, why do you want all those flies?

Libra

Your entrepreneurial spirit takes center stage this week, Libra: custom masks to coordinate with scrubs through flu season may be the next big thing…

Scorpio

It’s going to be a great week, Scorpio! Use your therapeutic communication skills as often as possible: either you’ll gain great insight into everyone around you or they’ll find you so annoying that they leave you alone and you get some much-needed peace and quiet! Either way, you win!

Sagittarius

Trust us. Nothing you find in the hospital gift shop will convince your sweetie that you didn’t forget their special day. Make the detour on the way home and get something else: it’ll be totally worth it.

Capricorn

This is your week for unexpected gifts, Capricorn. You just have to learn to recognize them. Moments like the in-service on circumcision counseling for new parents being unexpectedly cut short? Enjoy them!

Aquarius

Carefully progress through delicate conversations early this week, Aquarius, and the remainder of the week should be smooth sailing. Be too forthright right off the bat, and headaches will follow you all the way to the weekend.

Pisces

Be open to unexpected opportunities, Pisces: that rambling patient who is intent on telling you every moment of their life history in real time may actually be a time-traveler sent back from a catastrophic future to save humanity from itself. Or, conversely, telling your NM that you think that’s the case may get you the week off!

Aries

The good luck continues for Aries this week. Share some of your cheer by telling funny stories to coworkers and colleagues: they can use the lift.

Taurus

A patient is brought in with chronically rolling eyes, which sounds horrible until you discover she’s 15. Sometimes we pathologize ‘normal’ behavior. Your exceptional good sense will help you keep perspective!

Gemini

Something strange is going on, Gemini, be ready for anything. This includes boating accidents for those of you in the land-locked Midwest, skiing difficulties in the desert, and more…Remember to take notes: writing a best selling memoir is a vital part of your retirement plan!

Cancer

Mental acrobatics are required to keep on top of everything required of you this week, Cancer: you’re the star in the Cirque du Soliel of charting! A quick wit and prophylactic doses of Tylenol make it bearable — as does the knowledge that smooth sailing awaits once this week is over.

Leo

Career planning never stops: you find yourself assessing options and planning your next five years this week, Leo. Even if nothing is changing, this is an exciting time: you’re determining your destiny!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Virgo

The beginning of the week is not unlike swimming through quicksand, Virgo: you move a lot but there’s not a lot of progress going on. Luckily, change of shift admissions, wandering patients, and a doctor with his own view of reality will provide that shot of adrenaline you need to get moving!

Libra

Your chart is full of green this week, Libra. Perhaps your facility is determined to reduce its carbon footprint, maybe your patients have od’d on ganja, or lime green projectile vomit is in your future. Still, it’s an auspicious time for financial concerns: ask for a raise, or if you’d like something less unlikely, buy a lotto ticket!

Scorpio

Mechanical challenges perplex you, Scorpio. Trust your instinct: if you think the smart hoist isn’t supposed to be groaning quite that much, shut it off: it’s always better to take more time than to fill out incident reports!

Sagittarius

A recent Finnish surgery indicates that winter may be a contributing factor in Type 1 Diabetes. However, your suggestion of sending all of your patients away to warmer climates was sure to be rejected. Kudos on your follow up “What about just me then?” — it shows the innovative thinking you’re renowned for.

Capricorn

Everyone has a talent. This week, you’re going to meet the world’s power pooping champ!

Aquarius

Swine flu preparations deliver stress of epidemic proportions. This week will calm down after Wednesday; until then, try pretending that none of this is happening.

Pisces

This week provides you with many opportunities to practice your therapeutic communication skills. We’re sorry.

Aries

This week is exponentially better than last week, Aries! Everything you touch turns to gold, which admittedly has limited clinical applications. Enjoy the good times: if you discover the powers that be are secretly spraying Ativan through the building’s ventilation system, say nothing!

Taurus

Imaging this: A clueless patient delivers a stool sample from their kitchen. That feeling of disbelief and speechlessness you imagine? Will be very familiar this week.

Gemini

Given the opportunity, Gemini, what would you be doing with your life? This is a question you’ll ask yourself this week; the answer might pleasantly surprise you.

Cancer

Communication is critically important, Cancer, particularly when you need to make that resident understand that what he’s prescribing may, in fact, kill your patient. You’ll win kudos on getting the point through loud and clear; and fearful respect for your delivery style, which involves literally hammering the point home. Okay, that last might be wish fulfillment, but stick to your guns: you know you’re right.

Leo

Leo may be feeling melancholy as summer slips away and autumn arrives. But with back to school comes a new crop of student nurses: if you start warping their minds NOW, they’ll be fully prepared for the way the world really works by Thanksgiving break!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Toothless terrors fill your charts, Leo: either you’re being plagued by pediatrics or propositioned by those who have discovered the Kooler side of Kodiak.  This unpleasant encounter will be balanced out by surprising changes in your work environment; a silver lining may lurk where you least expect it.

Virgo

Mechanical challenges abound this week, Virgo.  Luckily, you’ve got a swiss army knife, six rubber bands, a paper clip and enough scotch tape to sink an aircraft carrier — and if you need inspiration, the patient in bed four appears to be watching the McGyver marathon!

Libra

The health care debates are enough to make anyone cringe, Libra, but you’re likely to wish for something as calm and rational in your own life this week.  Tempers flare and patience is thin: sticking your fingers in your ears and saying “La la la, I’m in my happy place!” may help but won’t win you any points with administration!

Scorpio

This week’s tip: Never muse aloud why some patients are so fascinated by their bowel movements or lack thereof — you’ll be in earshot of someone who will make it their life’s mission to explain it all to you. In detail.

Sagittarius

Unexpected visitors to your floor cause great anxiety; however, your calm, cool, collected and in control attitude wins the day. Of course, you could also hide behind some handy curtains and let someone else deal with the headache; that works too.

Capricorn

Sweet dreams, Capricorn! You’re in need of R&R; a quick snooze sounds like heaven just about now. Your stars are full of references to dreams, night-time activities and a side order of sleeplessness; if you work overnights, get the lasso ready: someone’s going to try to wander off on you.

Aquarius

No. You can NOT volunteer to sit on the Death Panels everyone’s talking about. If they are real, the criteria is cost-cutting, not “Who’s too annoying to live!” The frustration you’re feeling will lessen after Thursday.

Pisces

Pisces rocks the house this week: you are SUPER NURSE! Be careful: if there are TV cameras around, you may wind up as A&E’s next reality drama.

Aries

You’ve been too hard on yourself, Aries: not everything can be controlled, and sometimes outcomes aren’t what we’d like them to be through no fault of our own. Brighter days lay ahead, if you can just hold on now.

Taurus

Don’t answer the phone. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t answer the phone. (Looking at the schedule and learning how many colleagues simply aren’t available this week might reveal why silence is truly golden.)

Gemini

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to discover where all the supplies have gone. Like the quest for the Holy Grail, this may prove ultimately fruitless, yet lead to exploits that will win you fame through the ages.

Cancer

Look at the bright side, Cancer: when you discover those two patients engaged in *intimate activities* in the bathroom, at least you’ll witness something previously thought to be physically impossible. We’re not sure if you should try it at home, though…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

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