Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

Toothless terrors fill your charts, Leo: either you’re being plagued by pediatrics or propositioned by those who have discovered the Kooler side of Kodiak.  This unpleasant encounter will be balanced out by surprising changes in your work environment; a silver lining may lurk where you least expect it.

Virgo

Mechanical challenges abound this week, Virgo.  Luckily, you’ve got a swiss army knife, six rubber bands, a paper clip and enough scotch tape to sink an aircraft carrier — and if you need inspiration, the patient in bed four appears to be watching the McGyver marathon!

Libra

The health care debates are enough to make anyone cringe, Libra, but you’re likely to wish for something as calm and rational in your own life this week.  Tempers flare and patience is thin: sticking your fingers in your ears and saying “La la la, I’m in my happy place!” may help but won’t win you any points with administration!

Scorpio

This week’s tip: Never muse aloud why some patients are so fascinated by their bowel movements or lack thereof — you’ll be in earshot of someone who will make it their life’s mission to explain it all to you. In detail.

Sagittarius

Unexpected visitors to your floor cause great anxiety; however, your calm, cool, collected and in control attitude wins the day. Of course, you could also hide behind some handy curtains and let someone else deal with the headache; that works too.

Capricorn

Sweet dreams, Capricorn! You’re in need of R&R; a quick snooze sounds like heaven just about now. Your stars are full of references to dreams, night-time activities and a side order of sleeplessness; if you work overnights, get the lasso ready: someone’s going to try to wander off on you.

Aquarius

No. You can NOT volunteer to sit on the Death Panels everyone’s talking about. If they are real, the criteria is cost-cutting, not “Who’s too annoying to live!” The frustration you’re feeling will lessen after Thursday.

Pisces

Pisces rocks the house this week: you are SUPER NURSE! Be careful: if there are TV cameras around, you may wind up as A&E’s next reality drama.

Aries

You’ve been too hard on yourself, Aries: not everything can be controlled, and sometimes outcomes aren’t what we’d like them to be through no fault of our own. Brighter days lay ahead, if you can just hold on now.

Taurus

Don’t answer the phone. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t answer the phone. (Looking at the schedule and learning how many colleagues simply aren’t available this week might reveal why silence is truly golden.)

Gemini

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to discover where all the supplies have gone. Like the quest for the Holy Grail, this may prove ultimately fruitless, yet lead to exploits that will win you fame through the ages.

Cancer

Look at the bright side, Cancer: when you discover those two patients engaged in *intimate activities* in the bathroom, at least you’ll witness something previously thought to be physically impossible. We’re not sure if you should try it at home, though…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are intended for entertainment purposes only!

Horoscopes Just for Nurses

Cancer

It’s not just organ recipients who worry about rejection, Cancer! Feeling particularly thin skinned this week? Try to remember that many slights are inadvertent; there’s no larger force at work out to make your life miserable. Well, except for JCAHO. They are out to get you.

Leo

Some people meditate to lower their stress levels, or exercise, or medicate tension away. Not you, Leo! This week you funnel lots of nervous energy into creative endeavors: we’re not sure the world is ready for a five-part stage show set in a renal center, but if anyone can make it work, it will be you!

Virgo

Crazy is as crazy does, Virgo. Just something to keep in mind this week: you may want to look at your own behavior before you’re too critical of patients…or administration!

Libra

A clear perspective allows Libra to take in the blindingly obvious with ease this week; perhaps the mystery of Grandpa’s missing medications could be best solved when considering the arrival of his sulky, silent teenaged grandson…who departed without saying a whole lot of anything. Steer clear of intrigue in those areas of your life that really matter: trivial matters allow you to exercise your brain power without causing irreparable rifts.

Scorpio

Never say never, Scorpio. This week allows you to try exciting new things. The route to adventure is clearly marked! Of course, it is identical in appearance to the route to disaster, so choose carefully…

Sagittarius

Sagittarians familiar with the basic concepts of reincarnation may find themselves wondering exactly happened in the past lives of colleagues and patients to justify their present condition. While that’s entertaining, focus on the here and now — or you might come back as a charge nurse!

Capricorn

If it crunches when you step, DON’T LOOK DOWN. The stars aren’t clear about what all you’ll be stepping in, but from here, trust us: you really don’t want to know.

Aquarius

In between a rock and a hard place — that’s where you’ll find your sense of humor this week, Aquarius: great tension and stress will calm down mid-week, allowing you to laugh at what seemed traumatic earlier. Well, that, or finding the boss’s kareoke performance on YouTube…

Pisces

Insomnia is on the rise, meaning more middle of the night runs to the ER or calls to the nurse hotline. As tempting as it might be to ask your patient WHY they decided that 2 am was the ideal time to remove the bee’s nest from the attic, trust us: some answers, you can live without! Curiosity killed the cat — and it can do quite a number on an unwary RN!

Aries

Stretching your wings, testing your options, considering other avenues: usually decisive Aries finds themselves on the edge of a major life change. Don’t fear the cautious approach: sometimes diving headlong into a new project results in a neck brace!

Taurus

Your 98 year old patient’s relative is worried that allowing them to eat meat will increase the chance they’ll get dementia. We had something witty to say about this, but we forgot what it was. Looking at your stars, you might find yourself in a similar situation: eloquence is not your strong suit this week…when in doubt, leave it out…you can slip the pt. a steak after visiting hours are over!

Gemini

Playing video games increases brain health…or at least that’s what the resident will tell you when you track him down to clarify an order. Forgo the temptation to show him your favorite sport (kickboxing!) if for no other reason than he might know about your World of Warcraft addiction.

Horoscopes Just For Nurses!

Cancer

This week will be full of temptations for you.  Try hard to resist!  While calling a cab for the PITA patient who wants to go AMA because you won’t give his freshly-showered self a bed bath MIGHT be helpful, it’s probably contraindicated on the care plan!

Leo

Financial pressures dominate your stars, Leo.  Prudence and careful watching of the budget should get you through the week — or you could try filing a counter-suit that litigious pt who threatened to sue you every 2.2 seconds of your 10 hour shift. The grounds? Pain and suffering — not to mention a massive headache remedy bill!

Virgo

When the previous shift greets you with apologies and prophylactic ativan, you know what type of week it’s going to be!  Keep your chin up, Virgo: the end of the week holds great promise!

Libra

Libra longs for organization and structure this week, perhaps in an effort to squash feelings of being out-of-control.  You might get your unit to go for the color coded scrubs, but the effort to assign beds based on how annoying the patient is likely to be won’t go too far…

Scorpio

Gossip and innuendo fill your floor this week, Scorpio.  It’s not enough to ignore the back-biting: stand your ground and squash the negativity.  Unless, of course, they’re talking about someone you don’t like…It might have worked for Dorothy Parker, but we don’t advise it for you!

Sagittarius

Time management would be a snap, Sagittarius, if it wasn’t for all this pesky work that kept interrupting!  Try to go with the flow: your stars show heightened levels of tension early in the week, but the situation shall straighten out by Wednesday.

Capricorn

Spotting sleeping sitters makes you envious Capricorn — but we assure you, there’s no where you can hide out and grab a quick 40 winks that isn’t within earshot of the call light.  Visiting family members help you boost your energy levels: there’s nothing like a quick sprint away from “Grabby McGrabhands” to get you on edge.

Aquarius

Feelings of tension and stress are not alleviated when your latest admit comes accompanied by 4 security guards and enough chains to get an 18 wheeler through a snowstorm.  Remember: appearances CAN be deceiving, but they don’t HAVE to be.

Pisces

You will change someone’s life this week: potentially a patient’s, but more likely a colleague or peer facing burnout. Helping them helps you find clarity on a situation that’s been troubling you. Generosity of spirit is its own reward…but OT paychecks seem awfully tempting.

Aries

You know what “Do you really want to do that, Doctor?” means, and your charge nurse knows what it means, and it looks like the patient even knows what it means…but trust us, the Doctor doesn’t know.  Communication difficulties can be resolved through persistence…or you could try therapeutic application of your hand to his forehead!

Taurus

Confidence and composure trump actual nursing skills this week, as you’re faced with a number of *unique* situations.  Kudos on your calm, cool, collected nature — or your ability to hold it all together until you get to the bathroom!

Gemini

Solving scheduling problems takes up much of your week, Gemini — but we may have your solution: Time Travel!  If you can just figure out how to be two (and sometimes three) places at once, you’ll have a no-stress week!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for entertainment purposes only.

Gemini

The week starts well, Gemini. Be careful midweek: your stars speak of loss. We’re not sure if it’s a missing chart, renegade keys or a patient gone walkabout — but diligent searching will ensure you find what you’re looking for.

Cancer

Memory issues loom large this week, Cancer. Don’t forget to check who’s covering BEFORE you call with that 2 AM question. Dr. Crankypants might be taking a vacation and not appreciate your mid-morning call. The situation improves by Wednesday.

Leo

Perception is everything, Leo — that’s why one patient’s 10+ pain level leaves another patient sleeping soundly. Make sure your perception is accurate — it’s easy to go astray, particularly midweek.

Virgo

Financial pressures mount mid-week, Virgo, leading you to load up on the OT. Your charge nurse might love you for picking up all the extra shifts, but be careful: an exhausted nurse is NOT a good nurse.

Libra

Choices surround you, Libra: so many options that you may feel overwhelmed. Should you answer Mr. McBuzzy’s call light for the fifth time, stop your wandering patient before he hits the elevator –without a gown! — or admit defeat and take your screaming bladder to the bathroom? Choose wisely!

Scorpio

Surgically removing the cell phone from your patient’s ear may be tempting, Scorpio — but you really need to put that scapel down. Staying patient is a challenge this week, but the weekend holds great promise.

Sagittarius

Timing is everything. Practice your observation skills this week, Sagittarius. With a little dedication, you should be able to time your break a critical split-second before the projectile vomiting starts.

Capricorn

Just when you thought you’d seen it all, Capricorn, life hands you an unexpected surprise. Tuesday promises to be particularly thought provoking: look for an opportunity to reconnect with your core values.

Aquarius

Did you know, Aquarius, that many common health conditions can be addressed with chanting, herbs, and the strategic placement of crystals? Your week will be full of surprising information, generally delivered by know-it-alls. Fight the urge to point out that alternative medicine that works is called medicine: you never know who knows who.

Pisces

A surprisingly sophisticated smuggling operation is bringing bacon double cheeseburgers and filterless Camels to the Cardiac unit, Pisces. You can admire the inventiveness while deploring the self-sabotage: consider it an exercise in looking for the silver lining.

Aries

What are you waiting for, Aries? Hesitation has never been your style, yet you’ve been keeping something bottled up inside yourself. It’s time to let it out — unless you’re planning to let the administration know what you think of their latest initiative.

Taurus

Try to see the best in everyone this week, Taurus. Admittedly, this can be hard when you’re assisting colonscopies…but we know you can put the worst behind you.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for entertainment purposes only.

Gemini

This should be a great week, Gemini: the stars are smiling on you.  Enjoy every moment: you deserve it!

Cancer

Do you know the three most dangerous words in the English language, Cancer? “Hey, Watch this!”  Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES say those words this week.

Leo

Midweek, you will remember why you became a nurse.  An encounter born out of a clerical mistake will have a very positive outcome: not all charting errors are bad!

Virgo

Amazingly, stupidity knows no bounds.  This week will offer you much that is mock-worthy, but be be careful, oh so cynical Virgo, lest you become part of the problem!

Libra

Let sleeping patients lie, Libra!  How else are they supposed to let you know they’ve got 10+ pain? It’s the deep, contented snoring that gives it away!

Scorpio

Feeling daring, Scorpio? Reckless adventure appeals, especially on Thursday.  That being said, we DO NOT recommend giving an honest reply when your patient says “What do you think I should do?”

Sagittarius

Fashion becomes a pressing concern this week, Sagittarius.  We’re not sure if that means you need to iron your scrubs or if your patients will be particularly elegant in those gowns…either way, remember that appearances matter!

Capricorn

Quick, Capricorn: You have an unexpected afternoon off.  Do you:

A) Sleep

B) Sleep

C) Sleep

Don’t despair!  Your energy levels should be back to normal after Wednesday.  You say this is normal? Don’t despair anyway: it’s too much work, and you’re already tired.

Aquarius

Financial pressures weigh heavy on your mind, Aquarius.  But when you start mentally assessing what your patient’s piercings would bring at the scrap metal yard, it’s time to step back and regroup!

Pisces

Your calm and gentle nature leads people to confide in you, Pisces — which is great with patients, not so great with co-workers.  You may find out more than you ever wanted to know.  Discretion and boundaries are very important this week, especially on Tuesday.

Aries

Step softly, Aries, but carry a BIG bedpan!  You’ll need it, as this week promises to hold some big…challenges!  Most of these challenges won’t be wholly unfamiliar to you.  Things should start looking up by Thursday.

Taurus

Technically, Taurus, vodka IS a clear liquid.  Instruction issues loom large in your stars: make a special effort to strive for clarity this week, especially after Tuesday.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for entertainment purposes only.

Taurus

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Taurus, absolutely nothing this week will surprise you.

Gemini

Every rule needs an exception. This can be a problem for surprisingly legalistic Gemini, who wants every contingency accounted for. Easier said than done — who know the patient would confuse Super Glue and eye drops?

Cancer

“When in doubt, cut it out!” may indeed be the surgeon’s motto, but a wise nurse knows better than to share that with their patients. Prudence and caution are necessary this week, particularly on the 28th.

Leo

Once in every lifetime, Leo, will come a moment of stunning, perfect clarity, when you know that you’re fulfilling your purpose, reaching your destiny, and being the best you can be. That moment will not arrive this week.

Virgo

Never underestimate bureaucracy! Virgo finds herself pitted against mountains of paperwork and red tape this week. We recommend a flame thrower PRN…but we don’t work with you ;-)

Libra

Your stars are full of references to writing and record keeping this week, Libra. Either you’re going to have charting issues out the wazoo or you’re finally going to finish writing that shocking tell all expose novel!

Scorpio

Gastrointestinal distress is symptomatic of many things, Scorpio — but your sinking stomach is likely related to having too many tasks undone. Tuesday and Wednesday are great for playing catch up!

Sagittarius

Great news will delight you this week — especially when you’re expecting the worst! Sometimes the red sticky mass on the patient’s abdomen is just the Jell-O they’re ‘saving for later’! One can always hope…although we don’t recommend taste-testing to make sure.

Capricorn

Are you in over your head? Feeling overwhelmed? This will pass, Capricorn — particularly if you turn to a trusted colleague for help. If that doesn’t work, try hiding behind the crash cart.

Aquarius

Just because you can easily eat popcorn out of a clean bedpan doesn’t mean everyone can, Aquarius! Slow down and think things through this week. On the positive side, you’ll never be asked to bring snacks for the unit again!

Pisces

When your shift begins to resemble an episode of Scrubs — and there’s not a camera crew in sight! — you’ll know you’ve reached the week’s high point. Savor the moment, Pisces!

Aries

Compassion is both a gift and a burden. This week promises you the opportunity to experience both ends of the spectrum. Strangely, your stars are also filled with romance and passion: good on you, Aries — love surrounds you this week!

Horoscopes just for nurses!

Taurus

Children feature prominently in your stars this week, Taurus. Maybe you’re envying their youthful energy. Maybe they’ve commandeered Grandma’s wheelchair and are staging NASCAR races int he hall. Don’t get caught betting on the outcome!

Gemini

Never say never, Gemini! A surprising opportunity opens up this week — but the risk may be too great. Weigh all choices carefully, especially on the 22nd.

Cancer

You’re an inspiration, Cancer! Whether you’re preceptoring, mentoring, ‘buddying’, or just (unknowingly) being an example to those around you, your words, actions, and especially attitude will greatly affect others this week. Shine on, you crazy diamond!

Leo

Infection control is your friend, Leo. We get that. But trying to maintain a sterile field around the coffee pot is probably an exercise in futility.

Virgo

Memories! Once you had them, but you’ve been so busy, Virgo, that you’ve forgotten where you’ve put them. Never fear: it’s not early onset dementia. You’re suffering from “Trying to do too much” syndrome.

Libra

Balance is an elusive goal this week for normally even-keeled Libra. Wild extremes will be the order of the day, for you and for your patients. Be careful it’s not YOUR BP that’s 310/215!

Scorpio

Three great things will happen this week, Scorpio. It’s up to you to decide if the wandering patient who decided to ‘help’ the maintenance crew repainting your unit is one of them. You never know: you may have discovered the next Monet!

Sagittarius

Abundance surrounds you this week, Sagittarius. It might be an abundance of flu symptoms among your co-workers, or surprise triplets for the L&D set. Just in case, buy a lottery ticket this week. Hey, you never know!

Capricorn

While breathing is indeed a good thing, hiding out in a corner with the O2 and a wet cloth on your forehead probably won’t win you any points. We know you want to — but hang in there! Things will get better by Wednesday.

Aquarius

Diplomacy works marvels, Aquarius! For example, when the resident asks if you’re questioning her order, you could point out you’re fine with the parts of the order that won’t kill the patient! Positive reinforcement like that can work marvels in any relationship!

Pisces

Yawns are contagious, just like smiles and bad moods. You probably knew that. But what you didn’t know is that this week, dietary is doing an experiment with chili and the contagion vector of flatulence! We recommend the liberal use of vacation time until the outbreak is contained.

Aries

Never underestimate the power of one bad idea to change your entire shift! Your stars are full of misguided brilliance this week, Aries: we recommend a prophylactic does of headache remedy now!

Horoscopes just for nurses!

Taurus

For future reference, NOTHING you read tattooed on a patient’s body is actually good advice.  I realize it is far too late now, but you might want to keep this in mind going forward.

Gemini

You thought break dancing was yesterday’s news? There’s a ETOH-enabled patient down in the ER determined to bring it back.  The upside? Not your patient.  The downside? Not the best dancer you ever saw.

Cancer

You can’t cure stupid, Cancer, but darned if you don’t keep trying!  Innovative strategies like reverse lobotomies might offer hope — but be careful you don’t get caught practicing medicine without a license.

Leo

Unexpected obstacles slow your progress this week. Whether it’s extra beds in the hallway or administration’s latest ‘directive’, you can overcome it, Leo!  Just remember to keep smiling.  Mood stabilizers help too.

Virgo

Fearless leaders create great change, Virgo — but so do manipulative backstabbers.  Be careful: every word can be twisted, but careless words spin furthest.  On the upside, documenting the paranoia you’re feeling right now? Can serve as a case study for CEU purposes.

Libra

What could be more wonderful, Libra, than having a nurse for a patient? Having a NURSING DIRECTOR for a patient!  Get ready, Libra: conflict and frustration loom large in your stars this week.

Scorpio

It’s a question of degree, Scorpio…remember that throughout this taxing week.  Unless, of course, you’re on L&D, where no one is just a ‘little bit’ pregnant.

Sagittarius

Don’t feed Slim Jims to the seeing eye dog, Sagittarius.  He’s on a low-sodium diet!  Good hearted gestures go consistently awry this week.  Save all that good will until Thursday.

Capricorn

After this week, you will never look at an alarm clock the same way again.  The experience might be traumatic now, but years from now? This will be one of your best ‘war stories’.

Aquarius

Smoky influences cloud your stars, Aquarius.  Turn to a trusted peer for clarity and sometimes brutal honesty.  Don’t be angry with them: accurate assessment is critical in order to effect a cure!

Pisces

Good news, Pisces!  Mr. Romantic in Bed 3 has confused a Foley order for Foreplay.  Now he wants to get married!  Aren’t you a lucky nurse? He won’t believe you have a partner — better pull the old “I’m married to my career” card.

Aries

When the surgeon says “Well, this is a first,” you have two choices: Look away and miss the excitement — or pay very close attention, which will make subsequent court appearances interesting…your choice, Aries!

Horoscopes just for nurses!

Aries

Monday and Tuesday are going to be a little rough, Aries: a little internal dissatisfaction — or maybe it’s that that cafeteria sandwich wasn’t as fresh as it might have been. By midweek, though, you won’t be thinking about your stomach: you’ll receive excellent news!

Taurus

Did you know that an IV tube can double as a jump rope?  It’s true.  Or you can fashion a lasso out of one, and keep an escaping doctor from catching the elevator before clarifying that last mumbled order you’re supposed to implement.  That’s the type of creativity that makes you a stellar nurse, Taurus — and the macramed hammock you’ve fashioned out of Ace Bandages rocks! A great week for innovation and inspiration!

Gemini

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Gemini, nothing about this week will be unusual for you.

Cancer

Not everything goes right all the time, Cancer.  Trust the stars.  It’s not personal that your EKG machine is suddenly scrawling out The Da Vinci code, or that your favorite patient decided today was the day to go walkabout in search of a smoke. The situation will start looking up by Friday, Saturday at the latest.  Meanwhile, try to get a copy of that EKG readout: we hear Bantam’s looking for a new best seller!

Leo

Cyanosis is one thing, Leo, but you’ve got no reason to be so blue.  Yeah, the week starts off rocky, but you’ve got to let those good spirits circulate through your system and fight off the mid-week blahs.  By the weekend, you’ll be ready to party!

Virgo

The stars say you should take some time for yourself this week, Virgo.  But all these pesky patients, with the call lights and the seizures and the sudden inability to breathe…what are you gonna do?  Make the most of your time off the clock to recharge those batteries!

Libra

Communication, communication, communication.  Are you sensing a theme, Libra?  If the answer to that is yes, be happy: it’s the only clear communication you’re likely to get this week.  That’s going to make patient assessment a real joy.  Always ask one more question: someone’s holding back vital information from you.

Scorpio

Scorpio, it’s not them. It’s you.  Sure, the patients might have a few legitimate complaints — but that vague, lingering sense that something’s really wrong?  Go get it checked out. Once you know you’re not actively dying, you’ll be fine.

Sagittarius

Be nice to bacteria.  It’s the only culture some people have.

Remember that this week, Sagittarius.  If nothing else, you can smile at the bacteria.  That little joke should get you through till Wednseday, at which point, you’ll have plenty to smile about.

Capricorn

Capricorn is going to have a week of worldliness — or so the stars tell us.  Determining what that means is another story.  Will you be searching for a translator for your patient who only speaks an obscure Estonian dialect — or will you finally win big in the unit pool and be able to take that cruise to Jamica? Only time will tell!

Aquarius

Be careful, Aquarius.  You can chip a tooth biting someone’s head off, and you know the dental plan doesn’t cover cosmetic work.  Biting your own tongue isn’t much good either.  Maybe this would be the week to consider chewing gum.

Pisces

Pisces is a leader this week.  You’re in charge, you’re in control –even that obnoxious surgeon who doesn’t look anyone in the eye is listening to what you’ve got to say about the patients.  Be careful, though. On the 18th, someone is going to notice your take-charge attitude, and try to pawn off administrative duties or extra work on you: don’t let it happen!

Horoscopes just for nurses!

Aries

Something’s wrong with your normally easy-as-pie patient, who comes to you cranky and out of sorts. You’re determined to find out what it is. While your motivation is admirable and your determination to solve the mystery at all costs is the stuff nursing legends are made of, don’t expect too much in the way of thanks from your patient, who wants to be left alone to watch TV. The 20th promises exciting change, and the 22nd will be entirely too exciting unless you take it easy!

Taurus

Taurus, you’re in for a week of discovery! Not everything you’re going to learn will be pleasant — in fact, that seemingly charming colleague you’ve been wondering about will prove to be a headache and a half. The watchword for the week is responsibility: luckily, that’s something you’re more than comfortable with! Be careful on the 20th: your willpower won’t be strong. Don’t give in to the temptation to give your annoying resident’s pager number to the OCD patient and tell them it’s the Check-the-Time-Again hotline. It’s not a good idea.

Gemini

What’s more fun than a bowel obstruction, Gemini? Not your week, which is destined to move slowly, iuf at all. At least until the 20th, when some intergalactic fiber hits the stars, and you come into your own. Be willing to change your point of view on the 22nd: Fresh perspective is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Cancer

Not that I’m a qualified diagnostician, Cancer, but you couldn’t be blamed for thinking everyone around you has presbycusis, conductive hearing loss, or the more common ailment, CHS — can’t hear sh*t! No one’s paying attention to you, and miscommunication is the order of the day. The situation will start to improve on the 20th, so stop chasing everyone around with those Q Tips!

Leo

Where are you going, Leo? Travel looms large in your stars, as does personal growth and learning. You know what they say about those learning experiences; always wear your helmet! Be wary of doubts and insecurities — they can stop you from achieving. The 22nd is a day of introspection and priority-setting. Don’t stay in self-triage too long!

Virgo

Strap in, Virgo — you’re taking a gerry chair ride on a roller coaster track! Up and down, down and up: one day you’ll love being a nurse, and the next, you’ll be contemplating a calmer, more soothing career, like disarming bombs or testing hang-gliders. St. Patrick’s day is going to be EXHAUSTING: Everyone may be Irish on the 17th, but they’re not all coordinated: great news if you’re working the ER.

Libra

Libra, are you suffering from Genius Interruptus? This rare yet taxing syndrome plagues those who are high energy and very creative — yet experience frustration when brilliant plans completely fail to come together. Don’t throw in the towel too soon: the only cure for Genius Interruptus is to keep at it. Make sure you’re being brilliant because you want to be — not for the appreciation of others, for they’re going to be slow to praise you this week.

Scorpio

Athlete’s foot is no problem. Bunions and hammer toes don’t both you. There’s not a plantar’s wart you can’t handle — yet feet loom large in your charts this week, Scorpio, as you have to move delicately to avoid stepping on anyone else’s toes. Normally, we’d tell you to recruit friends and allies to help you keep on point, but this week, you shouldn’t even ask. You’ll just wind up with your foot in your mouth — especially on the 22nd.

Sagittarius

Guess what, Sagittarius? That patient sitting there complaining of a racing heartbeat and chest pain might have just forgotten to mention the three lines of coke they snorted earlier this afternoon. Your diabetic with sugars somewhere slightly north of 8 million neglected to remember the cheesecake breakfast they enjoyed. Incomplete information is par for the course — but you’re Super Nurse, and you’ll get the whole story!

Capricorn

Capricorn’s got it going on this week! We’re not promising that you’ll heal people with a touch of the hands and a friendly smile, but your patients are going to feel remarkably better after you spend time with them, and your colleagues will be buoyed up by your bright smile and cheerful spirit. If you want something, this is the week to ask for it. Be financially prudent on the 22nd: if you want to blow all your money on hot new scrubs, pick a different day.

Aquarius

Monday’s going to be rough, Aquarius, but the rest of the week looks good. Constructive influences loom large: be willing to listen to more experienced nurses who have advice to share. There’s no law that says you have to follow that advice — simply listening gains you a valuable connection and perhaps an opportunity.

Pisces

Awesome responsibility rests in your hands, Pisces, each and every day. With that in mind, is it surprising that you’ve let responsibility for your own destiny slip right out of your hands? Resolve that you determine your future and enjoy a very productive week — or let mere chance rule you and have a less promising outlook.